Sponges

We assign value to the things that fall under the school of thought of which we've chosen to view the world through. It is imperative that we then also grow that view both horizontally and vertically.

And occassionally, when we chance upon a different other, we take on the lenses of some one else momentarily, and realise the myriad occurance in perceptions of the human condition, and give thanks that God made us heterogeneous.

At the end of the day, we still oscillate back to the same old school of thought, the one in which we have chosen to be us; that we have defined our identity with. But no one can deny that we've changed - if not transformed, but maybe just a little. That's the beauty of how human interactions allow cross disciplinary ideas to take root - the only way in which we can earn a fraction of how God sees the universe. (honestly, the only way in which humans can move beyond relying too much on a particular discipline to grow a particular aspect of society)

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Falling in love with magazine subscriptions on the kindle. It's amazing(pun) how fast a want translates to a have in a matter of seconds. Oh, but buy me a lifetime of subscriptions please.

1- Choice is an active sought after His will.

22 September 2013

"Where shall we go, to a land faraway?"

You hold the world in Your hand. A world of endless possibilities- and sometimes having too many choices gives one diminishing returns. Picking a country for STM is a very good example (in the literal sense). But at the same time, it feels like it all happened in a jiffy- going for missions festival and not knowing where to start(another story to tell in itself), but yet wanting it to be something of His will. 

中国新 got me a little more excited somehow. There was a trip (Xiamen) happening around the time HY and I were free. Given the period, it was a toss up between Cambodia (Crystal's LG was planning a trip) and China. I was rather glad that it got cut down to just these 2 Cs. Initially rather impartial, but somehow, praying more has had my heart drawn more towards China. Maybe because I was from a chinese school (sad experience there with the mother tongue then though), maybe because I did a short student exchange in China back in high school and thus feeling some sort of affinity, but maybe it was reactionary having watched an indie documentary entitled 班长 (detailing how values were socialised in kids at a young age, a thoroughly disgusting (and hopefully, larger than life) depiction of the breakdown of social values in the Chinese society), or maybe it was just because I'm Chinese afterall. I didn't really pray for a confirmation, but oscillated strangely to where my heart led me to.

Within 2 weeks, flights were booked, whatsapp group conversations ensued, efforts to get together began. 

A 4 day trip- What could we do in such a short time?

Age. Aged.

“Her delight in the smallest things was like that of a child. There were days when she ran in the 
garden, like a child of ten, after a butterfly or a dragon-fly. This courtesan who had cost more 
money in bouquets than would have kept a whole family in comfort, would sometimes sit on the 
grass for an hour, examining the simple flower whose name she bore.” 

― Alexandre Dumas-fils, La Dame aux Camélias

1700 days later, and I'm not sure where to find that part of me any longer- the urge to play a prank, wishful for a silly joke, the want to muse at life's perfection in its imperfections. I guess I still do so now, but with my mind wrapping a cruel sheet over the pure heart, trampling its innocence, muffling its ability to just appreciate the world as it is.

But oh, how the heart aches to find that space to breathe, and to be free once again.

God, would you help me through this?

And between now and then.

My last dated entry (28 September) till now, it's been almost 2 months. I'm at lost as to where to start. The gist of it, probably the eventful ones that sparked off some sort of spiritual hunger/re-evaluation/prayer within me.

1) STM happened
2) Han Yang left for overseas for a month
3) Busy period/loads of major refocusing at work
4) Gong gong got hospitalised for a pretty major operation

I think when you squish all 4 events together it is a pretty major disruption to my life, cos it constitutes just about all aspects of my life- ministry, love, work and family. (Haha, okay am glad friends remained the constant, not that we met up often these 2 months!)

1) STM: Ended up in Suzhou. Definitely a trip that I saw God's hand at and saw His love for the people of China. It's just amazing being part of the experience of Paul's prayer for the Ephesians. At the same time, a personal transformation within me as I reflect, on hindsight, how God has grown my heart to realise the importance of the Great Commission and how I really want to be a part of it as well. Have decided to share this all in prose.

2) Absence: I think the STM trip was definitely a great way that HY and I got to understand more of one another (perspectives about doing missions, how we serve, the way we work through disagreements and misunderstandings.) And then of course, the one month apart which I felt was a good time to re-evaluate things between us. (Though, I do think that other than being physically apart and thus having a new physical space was good for him to pluck himself out of the busyness to think more/experience more of God, that we still continued doing our weekly catchups and all which was nice. So it wasn't really so much of less facetime that fueled these new insights but a different physical space. New perspectives are yey!) But, yes, I really did kinda miss seeing his funny face weekly. Haha.

3) Work: Crazy month of training (which made me stop to think whether I can persist with such a lifestyle, and it wasn't even half of how much Jo probably feels heading most of the programmes.) But aye, when something fuels and energises you mentally, but yet drains you physically, what does one do? Anyway, refocusing the business to technology next year. I'm in the midst of praying through this one.

4) Gong gong: His health hasn't been tiptop of late, which sent family into a frenzy. I'm pretty emotionally attached to gong gong, went back 2 times to visit him. Both trips left me emotionally exhausted, cried loads of tears while praying for him. Spent 2 nights at the hospital and I think we grew closer through that experience, of just sitting beside him, talking, moving him into comfortable positions on bed up, turning him once every 2 hours, feeding him water every hour, calling on the nurse whenever something beeped (and my mom is indeed a superwoman cus she has been taking care of him for the past month). I'm well aware that God's been nudging me to share the gospel with him (even to the extent of preparing me linguistically by plonking me in Suzhou for 5 days), and there have been opportunities where we talk about grandma, the fragility of life and his worries where I know this is where I should come in with a Bible verse, or begin to explain who Jesus is, but I just don't know how to start. urh. I guess I'm grateful that he allows me to pray for him (he teared when I last prayed for him, I know God is doing something in his heart.). Small steps but I gotta be less fearful!

Have decided, in this month leading up to Christmas, to do a fast and extended time of prayer for these 4 aspects (That, and friends too). Wanna hear more from him, ultimately as I realise more and more how everything fits into the bigger picture of pleasing and glorifying Him.

(Check out this space more often, I want to share more about this period of fast and extended prayer too.)

Heart of Worship

keeping check on this exploration with Han Yang. i think the one thing i truly desire, is to steer us in the direction of a respectful and God-led friendship. there are times where i ask myself whether i should be sharing certain things- is it the right time to share, is it my own desires speaking that lead us into premature emotional intimacy, or will it lead to the breaking down of lies from years of unspoken assumptions and unasked questions, threshing through walls between us that, on the contrary, draws us closer to Him. or, perhaps it is just a fear of being vulnerable and powerless that i withhold what could potentially cause a breakthrough. it's a fine line, but i am learning to tread it. loving right is always a tricky pursuit.

and in the midst of these prayers to depend fully on Him (because my heart is truly deceitful and weak), that we talk more, pray more, inspire more, serve more, grow more, commit more to building His church.

i've learnt that commitment really isn't just all about setting aside time to serve, it is living in the presence of the spirit and hosting this presence for others. and it is clear- i want my life to be all about that.

all of it. through mountain highs and valley lows.

be still

"Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it.  

God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace."

and the best human relationships are the ones grounded in God's love, mercy and grace. praying always to speak truth in love.

the upside down kingdom.

"the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."  

Proverbs 9:10

why fear, why must fear rule us when we see the Lord? why not love? isn't love a better word to describe how a relationship motivated by love is the kind of love that grows you? so i've realised the hebrew word for fear, yirah (יִראָה) has 2 meanings. one of which- fear, dread as it is. and the other- reverence, awe, respect.

why then, is it important to not just love the Lord, but also fear Him? because love alone does not imply respect. love alone could move the mountains, but it may not cause one to procure wisdom. just like how God could love us but not need to obey us, one could love another but choose not to obey. 

in this proverb, i assume that love for the Lord is already a given. then this addition of fear- a deep reverential fear for Him, will cause one to obey, to bow down before the heavens in humility for the Holy Spirit to take over. all of him.

i want to fear the Lord.

the winged ox

just finished the book of luke. jesus is a lot more controversial in the bigger scheme of things than i've imagined (all along, i've only been ploughing through specific chapters/verses during sermons and quiet time, never a book through a span of 4 days). i mean, i've read the book of luke, but not in this way, ever.

consistency. that was what struck me the most of jesus' actions. how much it would have taken someone, as He went about teaching, healing the sick, casting out demons and taking on the teachers of the law and the pharisees. he wasn't mollycuddled and affirmed like how we are today with 32% of the rest of the population of the world backing us up. he was plotted against, accused, betrayed time and again. at the end of the day, the son of God, our almighty, could be tempted to waver. but he chose not to, despite most of his life being defined by rejection.

yes, so faith is a choice. it is a choice to die to myself daily, to take up the cross. i know at the heart of it all, why i make this choice. but yesterday's sermon had me wondering about how much i'm willing to die to myself to fulfill His cause.

(call me lazy, but i'm jumping right into the book of Acts! hehe)

a hole in the heart, made whole.

a gnawing hunger. one that rises up from my left chest, residing just beneath my skin. i want to know you, God. verbatim. i've never experienced something like that. the yearning of daily conversation with You. the heart beats, faster and faster when i find out another facet of Your goodness and mercy. remember that struggle months back, where i couldn't for the life of me find a heart conviction for that mind conviction? when i found the key to that heart conviction and unlocked it with prayer, little did i know what God would bring me through on this journey. of greater self knowledge, of breaking lies, of seeing light.

somewhere along the way, i've found that blueprint of God's design for me. of self acceptance instead of self condemnation. so it's been done, Hui Xin.

it is the start of feeding on manna, it is the start of doing and being. i was dead but now i live.

Psalm 95:1

14 years ago i had a love affair with a particular music instrument while peering over its huge black body. i was so in love that i got my mom to sign me up for classes. it was rather short lived (all of 4 months), because i got tired of playing scales and doing theory. i didn't care for playing silent nights and silly Grade 1 score sheets; i wanted to break out of that beginner's lameness. fast forward 4 years later, i got a good friend of mine to teach me chords during recess and after school. we only managed in C major, and from there, i started playing everything in C major. anything and every song that could fit into C major i did. emo i was, playing songs from uh F4, uh westlife, uh S Club 7, etc.

then the inability to play in other majors or do any form of chord progression hit me and made me really bored. so mom sold the white elephant away. i mourned over its departure for abit, and decided to go back to good ol' trusty guitar.

a few months back, i got pretty excited after fooling around with the keyboard on garageband, and figured out how to do chords in different majors. and to add on i think i was rather inspired by a particular mr lau's playing. so, thus began my search for the perfect piano to rekindle my love affair. to cut the grandmother story short,

this sexy P70 baby now sits next to me.

actually he's been sitting around for quite a few months now. i finally got around to recording something. surprisingly on the 3rd take! the slightly banshee-sounding harmonies are blessings from God after a quarter of serving in the worship team. so cool how they come pretty naturally. i love you God! :)

Some things, you lose to gain

Luke 22:42 - "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." 

i believe on the day we accept the Lord and so occurred to us the presence of light and darkness, we were probably marked on Satan's blacklist. i've been tracing back on my past, and it has hit me, that it really was right about the time i accepted God, 10 years ago, that i started to let go of my own will to let the tirades of life push/pull me along.

perhaps i belong to the odd minority of humanity, for my will was not that i wanted things my way, but that i recognised that i had a will but couldn't be bothered to take control of it. the greatest lie probably ever told to me was that i could lose control of what was happening to me, and let my life be controlled by fate. or possibly that divinity would look after me. or possibly that being anti-establishment was the easy way out of not desiring achievements in life.

so as much as i had let passivity gotten the better of me, it turns out that divinity did see me through these years. the point of turning back to God saw a confluence of many reasons, one of which, was recognising that the only reason i had managed to pull through life since drawing away from Him, given minimal effort on my part, that it was high time i acknowledged His blessings and stop being an ingrate.

God helps those who can't help themselves.
God helps those who can help themselves.
God helps those who can't be bothered to help themselves. (guilty as charged)

the idea here is this -
given how selfish we all are, God loves us all the same anyway. so much that He gave us the freedom of choice hoping that one day we would come to yield to Him when we start loving Him too. all these under the wings of His protection.

the question now is -
do i wanna continue shortchanging Him by just scraping through life, yearning for these cheap thrills of blessings, without first willing myself to put my all in what i do?

first, break me out of the mindset that anything that requires discomfort is beneath my mediocre, carefree life.

so done with this part of me.

Endless light

it's been 4 days since popo passed on.
there are mornings i sit in bed praying
wondering where she is
could i have done anything differently
there are nights that i'm awakened by gong gong
standing over her. breaks my heart.

i know Your ways are higher than our ways.
i continue to pray for popo to rest in peace.

john 4:14

my one fear in life, is that I do not do the things I do with the root of a heart conviction. to me, a mind conviction is a flow of logical thought processes that i was trained and conditioned to make choices in life. that of which the world teaches us to do.

mind convictions worked in my life for the short term. a project or a major exam, i could put in my 100% and saw through them. they never worked for long term commitments like random CCAs, being consistent in my school work, interests. on the contrary, the only heart convictions i've seen through is my commitment to follow God and music.

which was why when i was repeatedly brought to question the consistency of my spiritual habits, i actually did know what the right thing to do was. which was of course,

more prayer + bible study → know God's character more → make Godly decisions in line with His Kingdom

uh, yeahhhh.
today i realised how much of a silly i am.

i'm not just reading about a God to know Him more.
i'm meeting Him, i am talking to Him, i am listening to Him.

who am i to confess that He is Lord and that i love Him and am in a relationship with Him when i don't even take the effort to meet and talk and listen to Him? if i could make it a point to meet my family and friends because i love and care for them, then what more God, whom i've chosen to follow?

this is my heart conviction:
prayer + bible study → meet and talk to God, the love of my life → understand His ways and His character more → love Him even more → wanna serve Him and His people even more


i confess that i love God above all,
but my actions thus far have shown otherwise.

the great gatsby

concluding thoughts from the movie:

themes discussed could seem larger than life (or not, perhaps in part living in a privileged and sheltered world), but no matter, the darkness of the fallen world is always relatable. the fact that we humans get so disconnected with our sins of pride, greed, gluttony..etc, is something i recognise and am both repulsed by at the same time. i.e. we are still the same people who spat at and sent Jesus to the cross.

crowd pursuit of the material dream is a universal delusion of how we've managed to believe in lies that we are living right in a world of fallen standards. a scary thought and definitely much reason to pray about.

and,
mutual indispensability is romantic. (the notebook)
unrequited indispensability (coupled with perceived mutual indispensability) is cruelly delusional and sad. (the great gatsby)

matthew 25:33

i've uncovered the key to the long distance race.

focus on being faithful, not fruitful.

we be faithful.
and the fruits of faithfulness are for God to bear.

now the question is, how.
be back soon with the answer!

life on mc

sleep for 3 hours
do work for 15 mins
talk to mom about random strange stuff that papa and her do/come across
laugh very loudly
eat meds
sleep for 2 hours
wake up to eat some fungus soup by mom
whatsapp friends
do work for 20 mins
eat meds
sleep for 2 hours
wake up in time for dinner
accompany mom to go grocery shopping
get bored looking at her stare at labels
go for a run
:)
hangout with xz till the wee hours

a glimpse of those school days. ah, i miss them.

blood

my conclusion for the day is that all boys need an older sister.
i'd like an older brother, but having xz as my youngest brother would suffice. :]

some thoughts

it's been a month!

1) our level of surrender of power/control to God will reflect the way we handle relationships with people and how we perceive things to be in control.

God's way was to love us.
and in doing so, soften our hearts to surrender all power and control.
by doing so, we run the risk of losing our lives, feeling helpless, feeling minute and manipulated.

but yet we don't.
because of His love, the strangest thing is that when we give up this control, we gain all the power in this surrender.

i learnt that in that moment i realised a true God who really loved me, there was nothing i wanted more than to give everything up for Him. i truly hated to control in situations. the only way i did so was because i saw no better alternative.

i think i could only let go of my tight fisted control of situations and things to people whom i knew i could entrust my love with. i guess the question would be then, do i have faith that God will see me through this step of faith to entrust that he turns a sure fail perspective around when i start praying? after all, i could only see situations through my worldly, human eyes.

2) God called us to not just do, but to love.

there was a period of time i let my feelings for people in friendships come in between the way we became friends. i loved with all i had and always wanted the best in their lives. all my life that had been fine because i think i was just exceptionally picky in choosing people to be close to.

but of late, i've realised how i could be really close to people vastly different from me as well. strange combinations turn out not so strange, but that just meant my heart was put on the raw. and being the me i still was, conducted these friendships in a manner that of how i had been doing so. that didn't entirely work out, and i found myself wanting to separate my heart away from all these hurt.

If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. (1 Cor 13:3)

what's was the point of relationships then if i separated my heart from all these? sure i could do so, but what runs my core is not action but love. yet as how i found it tiresome to love all the time even if i didn't receive, i just found it purposeless to do things without loving.

3) let the spirit lead the way i guard my heart.

i could put platonic love on the pedestal, get trampled and hurt, and still pick myself up after that. but romantic love is a pocket in my heart, reserved and left untouched. looking back, i don't think i've in a sense given anything from this place. not even in my previous relationship.

for the longest time, i had a foolproof way of doing so. i just refused my way into the lives of people. i guarded it so well that refusal turned into judgment, impeding even normal friendships from happening.

i guess i am finding out that this method isn't the most effective one, because there is someone i really like. the strangest thing is this - i've a conditioned defense mechanism that has activated the urge to reject an attachment, but a heart that i cannot control that has chosen to lead the other way. i have a heart that i was determined not to let the people who had my heart read, but i know there is a part of me who wants to love knowing that i may get hurt.

You have me

Out on the farthest edge
There in the silence
You were there

My faith was torn to shreds
Heart in the balance
And You were there

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end
Everything broken
But You were there

I've wandered at heaven's gates
I've made my bed in hell
You were there still

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely
You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely

how could i forget how You've brought me through the darkest days of life?

thoughts of late:

i know we've all been called to a specific purpose.

how much of my life am i willing to give up to serve His purposes?
can i put my hand on my heart to say
that where ever He calls me to, i will follow?
or am i just willing to give to the point where it ceases to be comfortable?

the more i question, the more i'm afraid,
that as i dig deep, i could only find selfish desires
a life of comfort in the pursuit of self-happiness
living for the applause of others

busking in His blessings
choosing the better and comfortable
over the best but rough and less-trodden route

i'm sorry if i ever entertained that kind of life
change my heart and make me love You more and more
make me love people more and more

You Deserve.

even after knowing the Lord, i think there was still a part of me that was secretly happy that i lived that aimless past because i got to experience alot of random things that i might not have experienced had i known Him earlier. thinking back, they really werent that special, but things i wouldn't have done had i chose to follow Him. i think there was a part of me that was secretly glad i did all that before giving my life up to God.

the past i was glad of.

really?

lately, i've realised that if there was one thing i wish to rewind the clock back on, it would have been an earlier salvation. the past that i've chanced upon brought back not the exhilaration of those experiences, but the bitterness of aimlessness and believing in the lie that human strength and love could sustain life. those years of my life that i spent in vacillation of beliefs and interests and emotions, pretending that everything was okay when it was not. i know, that had i known Christ earlier, that i could have spent my school years doing things that had eternal value rather than just getting lost in my own world.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 

Matthew 16:25

i think God is bringing through a period in my life where i'm forced to remember my past, so that i can come to a realisation that life without Him is really nothing. and i'll never let regret seep into this revelation, because that is just a silly ploy by the enemy to draw me away from Him.

this is when i know that i've hit a new level of dependence on Him. trusting in His leading so i can lead more souls to Christ!

I can’t imagine a life without You, without You
‘Cause it’s all for You
Yeah it’s all for You
God

Never going back

curb nights are an institution. i used to be a part of it; late conversations- desperately scouring for convictions within the honesty of the night, sometimes thinking we had the world under our control, a lie fueled by alcohol pulsating through veins. 

the sobriety of the next morning revealed the truth that nothing much had changed from the aimlessness and pretense of civil life.

2 days ago was marked by a strong reminder from God about how much He has saved me from the depths of nebula. sharing of a bucket list, made me realise that i do not have one because i know i'm looking forward to eternity, and from now till then, there are definitely things i'd like to do or fulfill. but no "die must do" things, because everything i have or ever desire lies at the cross.

i know that as i continue to trust in His perfect plan, the "die must do" things will be what is done through the souls of strangers and friends that i will lead to the cross and the family that i will raise up to be warriors of Christ. and the joy derived from aforementioned, together with the love of God, is enough to satisfy my desires of the world.

just gotta keep praying for lost souls!

Eagles' Wings

Perhaps the wounds of exile had healed in Moses, but the scars remained. His anger, guilt and sense of loss may have subsided, but the underlying anxiety and insecurity caused by his disconnection from his blood family and heritage continued. 

However, God knew Moses' name and now addressed him as one with a heritage going back to Abraham. The Lord was saying "This is who you are and this is how I will relate to you." Hearing this began to bring healing to Moses' soul. 

Identity is always given from the outside before it becomes reality on the inside. Moses heard God confirm his identity. In time, his confidence grew, and his long-dormant capacity to lead emerged.

reading about Moses in Covenant and Kingdom has been one of those "meet God" moments. surely i've had many break my heart for what breaks Yours moments for people in the past 10 years as i come to realise through a period of being broken down, that life isn't just about me.

however, my heart has always been left broken because i could never make sense of my abilities and thought them inadequate to transform any lives. i never found it in my sense to piece it together with God. i decided to focus on myself instead, nitpicking those flaws with a critical attitude and trampling on my own self-esteem. as with the many areas of my life, it had laid strewn while this discontentment seeped in. that part of me hates that feeling of responsibility towards what i've felt a heart for, and a part of me dislikes myself for not being good enough. but then a tiny part of me believes in the power of God to transform me for His purposes, and i know that if i don't do anything about it, the Spirit will continue prompting, and i'll never be fully yielded in the life that God has planned out for me.

the struggle of Moses with God couldn't epitomise mine any better!
my life in the past 10 years went something like that:

Lord, why me? what if no one listens?

reveal then, my Word.

but i can't, i'm not much of a talker and i trip over my words. i'm abit ditsy at times.

who gave you your mouth?

urgh. You. :(
sigggh. please God, anyone but me. look at him! he can do a better job than me. when he talks, people melt into smooth creamy butter and buy all his dreams in a jiffy.

don't worry my child, what you lack, i will make up for you. i will send people who possess smooth creamy butter words to help you.

grr. haha ok ok God, show me what now, i should do. :D

----------

i know this sounds like silly banter, i can't believe how God chooses to entertain all those whines and complains about my insecurities and inadequacies when i choose not to depend on Him. because i know now, my identity is in Him. yup. not in my family, not in my friends, not in social acceptance, not in appearance. Him who will grow the strengths that i discount, Him who will grow the weaknesses that i attempt to bury.

anyway this seriously hit me like one of those meet God face to face moments. a secret that only God and I could share, the growing of a covenant, and eventually, kingdom responsibility.



and He just broke down another wall.
You're amazing, God!

Luke 9:23

In Christ alone, I place my trust 

And find my glory in the power of the cross 

In every victory let it be said of me 

My source of strength, My source of hope 

Is Christ alone

----------

no major frills or revelations

just something simple tonight.

that whenever i revisit the cross,

all i could ever turn into is a messy puddle. 

because the truth is that 

the cross is the immensity of God's love for me;

how Jesus beared the cross for me.

to have the weight of the world upon His shoulders,

to humble Himself, betrayed, spat at by the very people He created.

i could talk about the complexity of the love of God personified in Christ Jesus,
because the more i question and seek the more i realise the profundity of the nature of this covenant, the more i am amazed by how my God is a God of supernatural wisdom.

but yet at the same time,
at the root of this complexity
lies a much simpler truth.

He loves us.

that is all.

amazing, isn't it?

but it is the reason why i want to serve.

not to bring people to Christ,

but to bring Christ to people.

Music in my ribs, kidneys, liver, heart.

a thought is a landmark to a treasure that holds little value
when hidden, yet the risk of bearing your soul is the potential
for its value to be diminished by someone else

i realised, that how ever much i attempt to be cultured, scrutinising an art piece by its artistic profundity, visual perfectness, thematic representation, the truth of the matter is that the way it touches the hearts of many out there will forever remain much subjective confundity.

to me, i cannot for the life of me feel tugging of heartstrings at a bunch of lego bricks perfectly pieced together to mimic the human anatomy as much as the perceptive flair of the artist amazes me. perhaps, it is the way most modern visual art possess this avant garde like nature, ambiguous to the point that it communicates none of what needs to be said to mainstream audience. very much like avant garde of the auditory kind, but thank God much of music is still layman and soothing to the ear. 

so post afternoon of dragging my half asleep self around the art-science museum has had me thinking about what it is about visual arts that puts me to sleep, and what is it about music that makes my mind and soul and heart go crazy. 

i would first like to point out the singular and dual dimension of visual and auditory arts respectively. a visual work of art is crafted by the artist himself, of which had taken form and shape in his mind or some sort of draft medium, now ideas translated through the dexterity of his fingers. when finished, the piece holds a personal value known only to the artist/artists himself/themselves. music, on the other hand, is dual dimensional, where the composer crafts what it in his mind, and it takes form on the stave, where every staccato, ritardando, change in tempo, crescendo and diminuendo lovingly sits waiting for the conductor's/musician's interpretation to take form. the resulting work of art and its communicated value lies a relationship between the the composer and the musician. any one could feel such a personal connection when he plays the piece, and lives the notes.

secondly, their elemental natures in its complete and finished form, visual and auditory - respectively dead and living. visual art, in the midst of the doing, starts to take form and come alive. but once crafted into a tangible form, it ironically becomes dead. one where people poke their noses into, mull over and stare at, misintepret (or perhaps, was the original intention of the artist anyway. that is something i will never get. is post-modernism an excuse for a poorly communicated work of art?!?!?!) but it exists as it is, never to be remolded and remade (you could, but it will just be an imitation, which is not cool) ever again. 

music, on the other hand, appears dead in its finished form in the composer's hands. but for every time curtains go up and the band resumes, that is when a work of art truly comes alive. every piece played will never take the same character as it did the day before, or the day before yesterday, even if it were by the same people. because what comprises in that performance, is the marriage of both the conductor's and musicians' souls and their state of minds and emotions at that point in time. the watching audience are a part of that raw atmosphere, contributing another dimension when their presence somehow changes the delivery of music, and they are a part of this work of art in its playing. 

and thirdly, their abilities to reach. chances are, the best pieces of art will travel around the world, be a subject of institutional discussions, go through auctions, land themselves at places other pieces of art dream about. but nothing like the transcendental nature of music. for every time a piece is played, even reinterpreted and remixed, the arms of reach extends, further and further. it crosses geographical and cultural boundaries, holding a value close to the hearts of the musician and the listener. it even surpasses the dimension of time, for playing a Tchaikovsky swirls up the settled dust, every replay bringing life to the ideas of a man long gone in this world.

----------

i was 9, and out of my school bag i took out some lyrics that was passed out during music lesson. and on the school bus on the way home, i sang 'Home'. that was the first time i heard my own voice speaking back into my heart, like some sort of a self-monitor- the pulsing of the vocals and how i could effectively take charge of my voice and mould it. i kinda liked music. it wasn't till much later in life, that this became a little more serious.

----------

everyday, i think i know myself a little better.

i always knew music spoke to my soul, but never could quite put a finger as to why. now, as i'm slowly inching towards a breakthrough in the marriage of my inner compass and thought processes- the heart and the head, i am realising why i gravitate towards the things i do. more often than not, it is because it holds a little bit of the relationship like that of the Maker and us.

Music encompasses a creator-creation dynamics that mimics the relationship between God and man. Music, like life, takes a living form once creation is finished. Music, like life, is alive and present, like the living nature of the relationship between God and us. Music, like life, holds the ability like that of the gospel to reach far wider than His once chosen people. this juxtaposition couldn't point any more towards the realisation that music is God-breathed.

totally mind-blown and comatosed right now.

(i'm sorry, visual arts, but you're too much like the God whom people who don't understand Him think He is- a God of the yesteryear, a God who speaks but not listen, a God far away in the tabernacle.)

breakthroughs are cool.

more on this coolness!

Neither rhyme nor rhythm, prose nor poetry

 What! You too? I thought I was the only one.   

- C.S Lewis 

an improbable friendship, but which proved to be special. the kind in which, you couldn't quite put a finger as to what made it so special. but it is.

bouncing sadness and happiness around that dissolve the former and magnify the latter. just 2 months, and we've pretty much shared things in life that we've never to people whom we've known for the longest time. i understand the things she says that people do not. gone music seeking, grocery hunting, kopitiam hanging till wee hours of weekday nights. i don't know why simple things like sharing a subway sandwich, a conversation with random people we meet, sitting beside each other occupied with our respective pamper necessities (the oxymoron) mulling over the idiosyncrasies of life- such simple things but truly the ones that make me happy.

and if i picked a pebble for every amazing friendship that God has blessed me with

spent all my change

what siblings do when they get bored of talking/watching tv.

heh, more of such days please.
(pardon the ratty t-shirt with paint splotches.)

Acts 16:31

one and

"with friends, if you keep making an effort to reach out and you keep getting hurt, you eventually stop trying. but it's much harder to give up on family. somewhere deep down you want it to work so badly that you keep making the same mistake over and over again."  

tori spelling

put on that armour of God; i am ready to battle!

a two, and a cheeeeese :)

Epiphamily

what remapped the course of my year, and possibly, life.

one year ago, i received this emailer. my default would have been to mass delete my mess of an inbox. but strangely, i felt i had to go for it. so for the first time in my 5 years of school, i turned up at an extra curricular event.

to cut the long story short,

i met jo there. she linked me up with 'a friend of hers, who is madly passionate about changing education'. so i met up with terence, who was venturing into 'education technology' (yawn). but somehow, through that conversation, there was an alignment of ideals and dreams for the same purpose. it didn't take much for me to decide to plunge into it. in my words, it just 'felt right'. 

and yes. one year on, i am still at Epiphany Education.

and i am still as idealistic about changing the trajectory of the education landscape in Singapore. i guess you'd reckon that i have possibly either gone mad, or am pretty damn sure about this education deal.

between then till now, what has changed?

there have been days that i've been convinced that it's not gonna work out. it's like being brought on a roller coaster ride, and getting strung along without knowing where you're headed off to next. 1.5 months into this venture, i really wanted to drop out of it. i couldn't see how we could come in to help education, my family was going through a tough patch, i didn't want to spend so much of my time at work, my personal finances weren't good. but deep down inside i knew that it was that fear to commit, that fear to give up other aspects of my life, that fear that i had to work too much and too hard. excuses, excuses. at the crux of it, i wanted to know whether God had a plan for me in this. 

i went into a meeting with terence with 80% of me wanting to back out of it.

but somehow i couldn't find any compelling reason but 'fear' that was driving me to leave. i had already wanted to quit without even trying. it was just like every other thing in my life that i had signed up for.

it was a time that i grew in my faith and reassurance in the Lord. stop looking for signs when the truth is rooted in prayer and my Word. seek for answers in me and no one else. that was then that i knew God was going to grow me, and the whole process wasn't gonna be comfortable at all.

but things got better at home. it was a matter of being intentional. finances fell into place. at work, i struggled to define my job scope, doing things here and there with little efficiency. i was a bum who always thought there were other more meaningful things to focus on in life than work. but i realise now, that i had been too fearful to fall. there are still things that i know are eternal compared to what i'm striving towards at work, but i have learnt to strike a balance.

it has only been of late that we've started to build processes to improve efficiency and focus on delivering. a year back, i would never have imagined that i'd be running a company. to be honest, it would have been much simpler if i were to just be taking instructions from someone. but i guess this is where i am getting moulded all the time. 

when the going gets tough, i get reminded that that is when the tough gets going, and i am always encouraged by the things that the Lord puts in place for me so that i can concentrate on doing work right. these opportunities and potential tie-ups with companies, the favourable feedback when we talk to people, the groundwork that drives us to work towards our goals, the amazing colleagues that i work with, the great mix of work and fun that we have during office and off-office hours.

just 4 nights back, we had reunion dinner, and 8 of us, stuffed silly in a car and cracking weird jokes. just 2 nights back, i ended work at 1030pm, half dead from the late nights that i had been having. but yet despite all these, i know that 

our values begin right.

monday meetings epitomise how we attempt to walk the talk. even though they are constantly punctuated with poor attempts at jokes, sharings remind me how blessed i'm to be part of a company that wants not only to deliver a product, but a value to the world.

a perfect example of how conversations unfold in the office

one year on, and i can't wait to grow this further. i know, there will still be late nights, there will still be more sunday nights of feeling this dread of waking up early on monday mornings, but i know what i'm building, and i know when His hand is guiding me, all i need to do is to give my best.

xmas' 12. heh. actually only 3 of us here still work at Epiphany.

one year on, it can only get more awesome from here!

Dry bones will live.

he gripped like a vice, what held in his hand what she knew could come between that silver between life and death of the people whom she couldn't live without. come between them and risk her life, or stand by helpless. they begged her to stay away, but all of her knew was that she would have lived to regret it.

at 16, fear had never seemed so real. 

a huge part of her died that night. as she closed the door behind her and slid her back against it, sobbing uncontrollably, she realised that she neither hated the world nor herself enough to end her part in it. but she could no longer be a part of the lie in this amazingly artificial world that people worked towards- achievements, power, money. did that even matter when she had come so close to losing the ones she truly loved?

she lived to proclaim herself strong, but that part of her within her remained dead. her fears, impartialness towards everything in life, lack of commitment, lack of interest to achieve - all stemmed from knowing that everything in life was transient anyway.

-----------

fast forward.

following the powerful prayer and cry of salvation, and sharing the moment with the one who shared that night, we sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. i believe that afternoon, bondages were broken; with the Lord, dry bones were revived.

ready to live my life without all these chains binding my feet.

-----------

just a while back when i was going through a period of not being able to let go and let God, all i could do was to talk to friends and more friends as they threw ideas back and forth. it was good having new perspectives, and one stood out in particular. 

Hui Xin, what are your dreams for God? 

i mean, i know you want to serve Him. we all do. but where do you see yourself in His Kingdom in the next 5 years? 10 years? set your sights ahead, and God will grow you to fulfill these dreams.

well, am i just going to get by life, running an aimless race with no real end in mind other than to share the gospel to the few people who happen to cross my way in life?

or am i gonna be strategic about setting my sight on the goal of doing His will for me, to grow my heart for the burdens that He has placed within me through all these experiences in my life, to pray dangerously to have them come to know God?

i think i just might have a clue.

-----------

wind blown whispers
wind naked down the corridor
the thoughts leaving my head
they twist through yours

Mission

the more i depend on the Lord for guidance through prayer, the more every thing is making sense to me right now.

i'm excited. more in a bit!

philippians 4:7

we are the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)

but still, there are many kinds of churches in this world.

be it a sunday social club, one embroiled in civil conflict, one too comfortable to truly call themselves disciples of Christ, to the ones who do everything to condemn but fall short of loving, which essentially undermines Jesus’s 33 years on Earth.

i've been thinking.


what is a model of the church that can sustain a group of believers who come together, with no other purpose than to give our lives up for God? because the race is one that can only be run by long distance runners who train themselves up for it, and i believe that the church’s vision should be about growing believers strong in the Word and led by the Spirit.

and that itself, leads us to this-

sustainability of this vision lies in the relationship between the family and the church.

1. the church builds a strong foundation of disciples who understand God’s purpose, and are led into obeying Him for His purposes.
2. a family centered in God, one with a single purpose to put God above all else – differences in personalities, petty conflicts, or even other seemingly purposeful pursuits but not within what He has called them out to do.
3. parents assume responsibility of discipling their children (and not fling this responsibility to the church, because our core responsibility as Christ followers is to support the church. not the other way around.)
4. in doing so, they serve together, and differences and other little problems are either handled by God, or pale in comparison when juxtoposed with the great work that they’ve been called out to do.
5. children, in receiving that Christ-centered love from parents, and knowing their priorities, grow in faith, receive the responsibility of discipling others in the church.
6. the church forms a self-sustaining model, where we build up strong families and strong disciples of Christ.

i know this, because i know the struggle i have right now, between serving more, but yet knowing that i also want to do so much more in my family by spending more time with them, to bring them to Christ. honestly, i know that i could better trust God with this aspect, by surrendering fully to His purpose, and knowing that the salvation in which He has promised will come. after all, He granted me my sister's salvation at the time where prayer seemed meaningless, renewed my strength in Him through this whole process.

but yet, there is always a nagging desire to want my entire family saved.

i so, so want my family to experience that love of God, to grow together in love, God's love. something i read a couple of days back, about the toughest mission field. this particularly stood out to me:

I loved my friends and family, but I didn't like the way my old self seemed to re-emerge when I was around them.

(so true.
 there are spiritual bondages that need to be broken.)

how i yearn for this familial support in being God’s ministers.

and i will continue to pray fervently for the salvation of my loved ones.

and i know now, the kind of family that i want to build up in the future.

a one that Francis and Lisa Chan speaks of.

"being focused on the mission is actually what brings your family together.
otherwise it's like saying: i really wanna get into shape so i can go jogging.
actually if you just jog, you will get into shape."

i realise, the only way for a breakthrough is to pray. 
pray up a storm, even when i don't want to.
healing, healing, healing in Your power,

because i am starting to see again.

truly thanking God for my dearest sister.

Poetry of the air

Music was my refuge.
I could crawl into the space between the notes
and curl my back to loneliness.
-Maya Angelou

miss those music making orchestra days. it's hard to comprehend why there is such a deep part of my soul that is drawn out when melodies interplay, accompaniments and harmonies marry, music matches the aural, and you know the next note which hangs at the tip of your eardrums.

when i know music isn't merely the science of 

producing a series of sounds.

Over 25 years, i've realised the things which are important to me,

and which i will cling on with my dear life. the love of:

God

Family

Friends

Music

is it just fear that drives me away?

Jieee-ry

israel-bound this april.

happy birthday to the most beautiful and sweetest sis!

hello! goodbye!

our office sits along a long corridor of other offices. being part of a rather new office building, we get many door-to-door salesmen selling b2b products- printer cartridges, filtered water, printing services, office connections, company insurance, even cleaning services.

these random people beep our doorbell, and around the office there will be "are we expecting someone" glances exchanged because we frequently get people coming in for interviews/meetings. and then the whole office goes quiet when someone is at the door, listening in on silly conversations that take place between the person who responds to the doorbell, half-guessing what kinda products they are selling. most of the time we just mention that the person-in-charge is not around. there was an epic time, while having our weekly monday meeting, that the doorbell rang twice within 30 minutes. upon the second beep, there were instantaneous "HAIYAH!", tsks and sounds of irritation expressed, to which gathered a "i pressed on the wrong doorbell" response. the most unfriendly office in the block. haha.

since then, i've realised that the best way of dealing with these salesmen is not to express irritation (of which, wouldn't be very nice, adding on to their many rude door-to-door experiences), or to act really friendly (wasting my time and theirs too), but to

1) pretend to be really stupid and ignorant
2) go out of point
3) pretend that you're just an office minion

at which ever point would garner enough frustration from opposite party to not want to converse with you because they are so tired anyway, and ease them into a comparatively gradual pathway of rejection.

*example:

ding dong! 

(walk over to the door hugging a pillow/blanket draped over your shoulders, as if you just woke up from a nap.) 

2 salesmen: hello! hello! can i have abit of your time? (cue huge cheesy scientology grins) 

you: harloww!!! orh okay, sure!!!

salesman A: we are from a company that deals with talent retention. just wondering whether i could speak to your HR in-charge? 

you: oh unfortunately i don't think she's around (shifty eye, because your HR in-charge is right at the desk sms-ing) 

salesmen A: (with salesman B smiling creepily beside) oh! it's ok! may i know whether your company has any policies to retain its talents?  

you: (eyes brighten, perk up now) oh yes we do! we hold sports days regularly, and we have sandwich days every fortnightly. not only that, we hang out and spend alot of time together, and we are just like a small, cosy, happy family. (grin happily, and hug pillow tighter) 

both salesmen give each other the wtheck expression. 

salesman B: uh interesting. uh what i meant was, do you know whether your company has any insurance, for example, staff or medical benefits? 

you: oh, oh! that was what you meant! (laughs heartily) hahaha. but i think we have! i think we bought the one in which, in the event that i die, my company would be compensated for their loss in potential revenue. 

salesman B: (at this point, realising that it is abit pointless to carry on the conversation) oh. hur. may i know whether there is any one that i could speak to in your company regarding talent retention schemes? 

you: oh! sure! haha, here you go (grabs an old name card, in which the particulars are handwritten). you can speak to big boss. :p bye!

*true story

ok. not very funny. but one of our several sources of amusement in ulu ubi.

those candlesticks of compassion

les mis!

why didn't i get this as a lit text back in school!

the only way i could truly appreciate the wondrousness of an epic film- to sit upon it for several days after, watch enough director/actor interviews and behind the scenes, listen to the soundtrack and youtube the covers, read up about its historical references, dissect the scenes and analyse the clever use of metaphors and random other intricacies.

and then fall further in love.

i think what intrigues me about it, other than the music, history, war elements (i'm psychotically nuts about war films), cinematography, good looking cast, is the theme of how transcendental the nature of love is. that we could all be a 24601, dangerous to the cause of the devil, dangerous to the self-righteous pharisees of our generation in turning them back to understanding the true nature of God.

Who am i?

such a powerful song of struggle of the thoughts within a man labelled criminal by the clumsy judicial system, who chose God, received the blessings and fruits of walking the righteous path, yet backlashed by the chains of the past.

Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than an alibi
**
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey onnnnnnnnn.. 

at this point, it is the musical AND cinematic (because it is that epiphanic moment of God discovery) climax and you're hit by double awe and just wanna faint at how they've managed to hit home so fast. 

i can't began to describe the dimension of depth of emotion added to the a line when it is sung. some thing about singing in the same tune that unites the characters, even though years apart. love that strategic rendition of i dreamed a dream repeated throughout the whole film, lending to thematic juxtaposition which is just all too powerful.

and then more.
sweet eponine's unrequited love, yet choosing to give up all of herself up for the man she loved at the expense of her own life
the valor of the men who fought for the revolution
jean's love for her daughter which compelled him to save marius (dragging him through that absolutely freaky gross man hole)

feel like how ever i describe it isn't gonna bring up that well of emotions within me and the depth to which it connects, so i'm just gonna fade away.
but Broadway, i'll be back sooner than you could have imagined.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

it's funny how i always thought i didn't need to relate to the satire of kundera, and then last weekend happened, of how initial sweet reverences of thought that lingered after every last word of a sentence, turned cheapened inelegance when fears choke up those words that you want but are afraid of being spoken or misunderstood to a woodblock with occasional expressions of incredulity. the fear of perceived connection all these while, the brushes with realisation of insanity and delusion- it's a powerful awakening.

lately all my entries have been seasoned with bleak. like whirling in the wilderness of a hurricane, spinning around in thoughts of my own, the ones that others throw my way- some with absolute disdain, some because they understand, some for the lack of (but at the end of the day, all out of love). and as i reach a point of saturation in the thoughts of others, i am making my way back to my heart, and aligning them with God. it's nice to know who to go back to. hopefully, in between disconnected dusks and dawns, that soon i will reach the eye of the hurricane.

***

i've realised, over the week, that 

mortality of simplicity in life is a choice

fresh perspectives catalyse healing

i really like popcorn chicken with ketchup

also, soggy curry fries. (ewf!)
salty salty stuff

today i am here to say

the weekend is here!

hurray!

the cold beckons for more time on my pillow
but what i really need now is a plunge into cold waters,

the feeling of
control

solitude 

lightness of matter that the soul fills

and the potential to be filled once again

***

<random>

last night was awesome.

here's a picture with a soulmate

 i love how when i'm around her, 

sentences complete themselves.
i could lose myself in her selflessness 

and insanity loses its in.
oh. sweet thoughts.
</random>

***

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

i hated those limpy orange and blue locks, the unattractive male and female leads, how dirty and unromantic they made boston out to be, the irrelevance and weirdness of how i could never find something in that film to relate to my own life.

but suddenly, rewinding the cassette tape of grey matter, and saying hello again in a different time space way doesn't seem all that disdainful anymore.

what i would like to know is
was it just the play of events
the spark in foreign space
the prolonged pondering in drought
imagination of perceived connection
that fueled such intensity?

or had we met in any other way less romantic
that we could have merely just turned out as superficial friends?

so this morning,
Nietzsche claims (and perhaps the only 2 claims of his i would hold claim to),

there is always some madness in love. 
but there is also always some reason in madness.

and in all reason of being which most would ill find disagreement,

without music, life would be a mistake.

it's time to make some!

where are the wells of which thoughts flow from?

i don't know why i'm awake, but i am.
my eyes are crying out for cucumbers.

in the midst of pulling together some thoughts about the year that has just passed. and of course, working out the mandatory new year resolutions.

it's been a year of self-mining- looking deep within, examining motives and motivations and desires and convictions and self-interests.

not selfish, but definitely self-centred. but might i say that because it couldn't get rawer than this, coming clean and honest before God, that this introspection was a way of distilling the self, and the only way that i could move on from all those hurts in my life that had me building habits and strange thought processes that prevented me from being fully yielded in His purpose.

i don't know the deep waters this will bring me into
i don't know how i could piece them together into a coherent portrait and fit them into this 24th year of existence

but i do know, that what ever that took place in 2012 will mark a pivotal point in the way life will move forward from now on.

i hear the early bird call, and my heart sinks into the dawn of the day.

ephesians 4:22-24

only from finding strength in the Lord, do we have the courage to take that first step. when that happens, the angels in heaven rejoice.
but what i realised is this-

it is only then that the true spiritual warfare begins, the battle of what goes on within the head, the thoughts that seed doubts and cause regret.

some of us are particularly susceptible to this.

but that cannot be the case, because stumbling now is like going out onto the battlefield, forgetting your sword, shield and warcry, and then putting the blame on the General for sending you onto the battlefield unarmed. it causes us to lose faith, when what we don't realise is that this mustard seed of faith needs to be accompanied with the disciplines to grow this seed of faith.

so i'm gonna listen to Your every single command.
depending on You, Father.
depending ever so dangerously on You.

time to stop those self indulgently piteous night bawls and start praying and reading the Bible.