so this year was all about knowing the heart of Jesus.
and as this took place it was as though someone took a chisel and worked at every single part of my being, revealing sometimes ugly things about myself, which i flung aside in a bid to lose my sinful self to be the person of Jesus i had grown to love. there were painful moments of floundering, of trying to accept the new self, the misperception that i understood who Jesus was (but not really knowing because i wasn't rooted in the Word), of depending on my own strength and burning out, of questioning whether i could accept this new found identity. but ultimately, there is nothing and no one that i want to grow into but Jesus.
but there was this one aspect of my life that i refused to give it up to the Lord.
it was something that i could never outrightly display the importance that it held over my life because it was my Achilles' heel, the spot which, if broken, would have been a silent contention on my part in a bid to heap sawdust over wounds to seem like i wasn't affected by it.
it led me down this slippery slope of horror as i went about life. the times i was left to ponder, the times my emotions depended purely upon the awaiting of a reply, how our thoughts collided, how words held dual meanings, whether i was the only, or one of many.
these were things that i couldn't for the life of me understand why had come to control my state of being. on one hand, as i looked outward and was convicted of His work which i felt such a longing to do, but on the other hand, the vital muscle within me was getting so affected by the tussle in my mind which withered the want to care about anything else in this world.
as i grew in the Lord in other aspects of my life, this part was like a plaque which presence began to overpower and wrestle with the growing Spirit that God was entrusting me with. kid you not that i entertained the thought that it could operate in silos with the rest of my life.
but it could not. and it did not.
the breaking point, was the realisation that it wasn't just my own life i was dragging down. it is strange, how it was like reaching into a basket and flinging out wafers of His love, but yet stopping at the one that meant the world, denying that wafer and force feeding a watered down human equivalent.
we trust that our loved ones
will take our feelings into consideration,
acting in love, not in careless abandonment of the moment
just for the fun of it
i don't need reasons to trust. but, i need reasons to not distrust.
because when time and again it proves otherwise,
it's hard to give benefits of doubt,
it's hard to open up,
to piece back what was once there
sometimes i really wonder, how much of the Word we are really living out
throughout my adolescent years, i was blessed with amazing friendships. friendships that went beyond talking about the superficial and the emotions. i will always remember those late nights in the classroom, preparing for silly odyssey of the mind competitions, SYF, choral/drama nights, annual lifeskill camps, study fests.
because pom poms are the epitome of grace.
or even nights of laying in the basketball court, staring at stars and all that. it was like an extended childhood because the distractions of growing up, the awkwardness of pubescence and needing to be around the opposite sex were hidden away and we were essentially just in our own happy world, spending every awakening moment together. cliques were ubiquitous, but they weren't exclusive. save for a few of them, and save for silly quarrels, we really just loved. these amazing friendships formed the fundamental, the basis of what i imagined friendships of this world to be. to me it was an all or none- either get to know someone really deep, or not at all.
3/5 of the bang bang gang
and then we moved on after secondary school, and things changed. friendships with girls were fine for me, but as for friendships with guys, being friends sometimes meant the other party wanting to take the friendship to more than friends, something that took me by shock. my modus operandi of making friends had somehow been received the wrong way. even strange boys whom i never so much as talked to fended closeness. all these unwanted emotions and attention kept coming, and life suddenly just seemed a whole lot more complicated.
the last thing i ever wanted to do was to lead people on without the intention of bringing our friendship beyond, so i ended up distancing myself and lost these friends in the process. to some it was an action thought strange, because most might have just thrown themselves into the sea of attention and love that they could receive but not ever have to commit to, but to me it was disgusting and selfish, and i would have felt sorry towards my friend if i ever led him on without needing to feel attached on that level like he did.
to the 17 year old me then, it wasn't about staying pure. it was about staying true to my values of not wanting to hurt my friends. i guess it's just the way i'm wired up, that i'd rather have some one hate me than think that i have feelings for him. just from the top of my mind, i vaguely remembered a boy who fancied me when i was 8 at a camp. he kept following me about, and it really scared every inch of me and i avoided him like a vice. at 12, i'd rather had the guy who fancied me hate me than to endure that intense stare i had to put up with the whole day in class. (i think he eventually did)
to be honest, i don't even wanna begin to sound saintly and say that i disliked the attention. it was definitely ego-boosting, but a whole part of me knew that it wasn't something i wanted to build my self-confidence upon. for the longest time, i thought that maybe my way of making friends was too suggestive, and that there must be something wrong with me. had i, in being a prude, done any thing to suggest something that meant more than just friends? maybe i was more of a slut than i made myself out to be.
the point of liberation actually came when i went into a relationship, because i knew that if a friend knew me well enough, no one whom respected me would ever take our friendship the wrong way. i felt so happy and carefree that i could freely be friends with anyone and everyone. of course, then, there were still the occasional weirdos, but then i guess i wouldnt have minded losing those kind of friendships.
but when i got out of the relationship, i got stuck with the same issues. after much saga, i changed. i just couldn't bring the same expectations of a friendship with a guy as with a friendship with a girl without fearing.
i've had people tell me that they see a vast difference in the way i treat guys and girls. i tend to keep this invisible proximity because i'm scared of overstepping and sending the wrong signals, but i adore the closeness and the time with my girlfriends. it is the right mindset to take, but i think i border on extremity, because i find myself stepping back just as a defense mechanism, even when there was nothing to begin with, that i'm pretty sure i appear like a really strange person to many around me. it isn't a very nice rut to find myself in.
it's scary because i realise that i was even unconsciously masculating my personality so that i could be less attractive. seemed like a safe bet. after all, boys like the feeling of protecting, and if i made myself seem like i didn't need to be protected, then i wouldn't appeal to their primal instincts. it seemed logical that the more masculine traits i possessed, the less attractive i would be. i've ever had someone told me that i'm someone who stewards my emotions so well so that i don't waste my time on frivolous things that prove no value to the world. haha, seriously, if there could ever be a better statement made about me that epitomised how well i managed to cover up my emotions.
it felt really silly, because that wasn't the real me, that was the conditioned me trying to be strong, and building walls to protect myself and my friendships. the worst part was that as i began to condition myself with these masculine traits, the more out of my own skin and disconnected i felt. not only that, i didn't even feel like what i was doing had even an inch of godliness. masculating myself meant emasculating the guys around me, stripping them of their chance to be fully yielded in Christ. there is a role for men and women in God's Kingdom, and it seems like the world really prizes masculine traits, resulting in some kind of shift in gender roles. in modern society, it is largely accepted for these roles to be blurred. there is a fight for control or 'equal rights', and then we as women, end up complaining that men are not manly enough. what silly contradictions.
one night i laid in bed, feeling like the saddest girl ever, that no one could understand me. i sobbed, and sobbed and cried out to God, out of the desperation and fear of getting lost in this persona that i had created and was morphing into. God, why would You create man and woman with the traits they possess, only to make the world dangerous to her, that the only way that she could protect herself from all the unwanted attention was to exhibit traits that she wasn't made to have?
my phone was in front of me, and out of the blue, i had a fellow sister whom i haven't talked to in ages share with me a link which answered the questions that i needed answering- where i was, as a woman, in God's kingdom.
**
1) God never intended for the relationships between opposite genders to be the same or to share the level of depth as those between the same gender, at least not before the season of marriage. (Song of Solomon 8:4) and for that reason, it was wrong for me to expect that guys would share my expectations of being 'just friends' when i treat them as i would a girl friend. for this reason, i realised that for someone to fall for you is always a choice (save for unrequited, obsessive love). most people don't just tumble into love at first sight, it takes a certain mutuality of both parties to build up to that stage. that is why ignorance, or earnest intentions just isn't an excuse for leading someone on when you know he/she is committing feelings or hoping to be more than just friends when you want none of that. self-centredness, and wanting to feed the human ego while playing around with a friend's emotions is. fun, but someone will get hurt.
2) femininity, as prized by the world, is so stark in definition as the one prized in the Bible. in this world, it could very well mean the way we dress, the amount of skin revealed, the way we laugh, the way we flip our hair, the wittiness exuded, how smooth we are in conversations, the way we manipulate all these to point people to the personality that we are.
but is that the kind of femininity that we want to hold people hostage to?
femininity in the Bible points to Proverbs 31- a lady of submission to the men in her life. and in contrast to how we imagine someone who 'submits' to be, the portrait drawn is a person of wisdom, confidence, righteousness, faithfulness, virtue, and a leader in her own right.
honestly, it is tough when personality is always the easiest way to make someone like you. i've many a time fallen prey to using personality as a tool of manipulation. but i don't want it to be that way. i want my character to exude and overwhelm, for my own self-interests to take a back seat. that's not to say i become someone serious, prudish and frumpy just for the sake of letting the character shine, but that it stands out, much more than my interests and hobbies and philosophies and habits and what makes me unique in the Kingdom of God. because i know that the most important thing in my life is not to point people to who i am, but to point people to Christ, the author of my salvation.
and submission is a tough one. honestly. when you've grown up in a family where the dynamics is kinda topsy-turvied, it takes every inch of depending on God, to not want to control. to honour how He has made man and woman, to guide and not to pursue or demand, to allow men to make decisions, and to ultimately respect their leadership. something i've realised over the months, that if we want to live out the bible, then to start off, God has given us freewill in our main choice of submission.
to be submitted to is to be worthy of submission.
**
i've realised, that a steadfast love rooted in human strength is destructive to the individual.
but a love higher than the ways of man, is a love that does not destroy; a love that builds people up. my convictions will be challenged, but i believe i've been brought to a point where i know that this is the only way of love that prevails.
that the more we grow towards Christ-likeness, the more reason there is for us to grow in complacency, thereby growing desensitised to God's voice because we think we know it all. and that is precisely what will stop us from growing in the Lord.
because humility is God's character.
but the effect of growth is counter-humility.
so as we strive to attain the person of Jesus and we see breakthroughs, all the more we have to fight that monster of pride which will come attacking at us, snaring its ugly head.
tonight was amazing.
there could be things that draw me to people. their ability to speak. to carry themselves well. their passion for life. their joyfulness. their ability to speak truths into people's lives. looks (of course, how could we leave that out.).
but ultimately, that could all fall apart.
i am amazed, at the ones who are not just convicted, but the ones who live out God's will.
i am amazed, at the ones who confess to have internal struggles with their own personal life, but yet above all, know that there is a greater battle out there to be fought, and put on that armor of God to fight valiantly for Him. in the process, God heals those internal struggles and sets them free from those bondages of lies and sins.
i am amazed, at the ones who know they get their way around things in life, but never see to using that as a tool of manipulation, but place Godly character above all else.
i am amazed, at the ones who denounce the desires of the human heart to fulfill their want of feeling loved and accepted by humans, but look to God instead to complete their heart- to build up and not to stumble people.
growth in the lord knows no bounds with humility.
and tonight, i'm amazed by my shepherd.
thank you so much for sharing tonight, for the above is what i've seen you grown into. that woman of so much faith, conviction and humility, some one whom i look up to as my spiritual mentor.
11may2009: could never have imagined that our friendship would grow in such greater measure.
spiritual and soul connection is awesome enough.
but beyond that, our hearts speak for silly things like duck confit, cat socrates, cool movies, all things japan, hot fudge sundaes, there are many more which i can't begin listing if not i might start crying hehe. that's the heart connection.
a whole perfect package of a best friend. my best friend.
happy birthday my friend here's to all the years we've shared together all the fun we've had you're such a blessing such a joy in my life may the good Lord bless you and may all your dreams come true
i rather like the feeling of the holiday season coming. even though this year's christmas doesn't feel quite as christmasy without the pre-holiday, without the daily bus rides into town, without the caroling practices.
on wednesday, sam and i decided to prepare our rather dead looking (and super messy) office for the festive season by trudging down to a strange part of singapore where flat buildings prevail. it felt a little like when i was living overseas, sans the winter coat. so just standing there post-shopping, one hand with ketchup&mustard laced ikea hotdog buns (yum) and the other hand with hot dilmah tea, talking about how we're glad strange and abnormal people have decided to congregate together at the epiphany office, thereby nullifying the anomalous nature of each of us, but yet still anomalies because we are still odd balls. (but happy to be one!) it felt almost like we weren't in singapore.
a couple of silly things happened again (strange attractors we are to such things):
ran like 2 kids screaming for our bus to stop and missed it by a whisker of a millisecond.
when asked whether he could inform us when he reached ikea, bus 58 driver laughs, "haha! i also don't know. it's my second day at work.^^"
got down 5 stops before we were due; GPS malfunction.
got on the same bus again to the amusement of other commuters.
the cardboard christmas tree which we wanted to get was sold out (thank God. $29 for fancy green cardboard!)
went to Giant to shop for sandwich day with a $50 voucher and intentions of getting real good ingredients for the next day (and wine, if we didn't hit 50!) but ended up with tons of processed food and overshooting our budget
paid in coins on the way back home and glanced at the driver. we catch each others' glances and pause for a second, then burst out laughing. his second day at work, working a round shift.
he exclaims "wah, enjoy ah!" at which i looked at him incredulously; i'm carrying 384 plastic bags with my spectacles slipping from my nose bridge and looking as though i might collapse any moment.
life is amusing.
soup, sausages, and pastrimi sandwiches on a cold thursday noon. it felt like christmas!
having a month long secret santa by playing secret penpals to find out each other's likes before christmas. we've been confusing each other by dropping candy and messages for everybody.
a post-it christmas tree! we're so cheapo hehe
orchids and heathers.
due to my mom's horticulture obsession of late, i decided to surprise her with this. i surprised myself by standing by the potted plant section for 10 minutes choosing the perfect orchids and having a conversation with sam and myself.
eh, these flowers look pretty, but they look diseased at the stems! (prod here and there.) eh, these are also pretty, but there only 5 flowers. (prod prod) there's 8 for this one, but the flowers not so nice leh.okay, i will get this one. ..eh no maybe not. sigh,why do the stems look diseased! (prod) sigh!eh, this one abit sengeh. got character.okay, i will get this one. ..eh no maybe not.eh, this one got even more flowers. (prod) but so tiny. urggghhh!
after 10 minutes i felt like i was becoming just like my mom so i decided to make up my mind and be happy. i also decided not to let anality consume me by getting sam to pick out the heather flowers for me before i started comparing potted plants all over again.
after a while of walking around i glanced at my potted plants and they looked so perfect! that was when i suddenly realised, that's exactly how humans are like - potted plants. we're so perfect just the way we are, formed and made perfect in Christ. till we start to compare ourselves with others. but for our God-given strengths and spiritual gifts, are we willing to stop short-changing God for the wonderful blessings that He so readily pours into our lives, and start using them to glorify His name?
just came back from a weekend in melaka. it's been good; i've missed gong gong and po po, and the little kids are now matching up to me in height. it's scary how little humans grow.
and when you're no longer little, you start to wonder about not being little, and aging.
it has been a week of sorts.
other than much work excitement preparing for launch next week, i was hit with news on thursday night, that dearest uncle tan had unexpectedly passed away.
my first reaction was. why, God, oh dear.
our LG first met this jovial grandfather back in august during national day celebrations, together with a congregation of uncles who lived around kampong glam, and whom we got to know during Project Sparkle. since then, it's been an amazing journey for our LG as we take turns to serve by accompanying the uncles for chinese service on sundays.
uncle tan, whom claramae goes to his home every sunday morning to wheel him for service.
uncle fang, who sets off from his home at 9am and makes that arduous 45min walk from his home just across the street, to textile on his walking stick.
uncle maofa, who fetches little jinbao and drops him off at hope kids before joining us.
not that i've ever given much, but i've always received so much more than that 'sacrifice' of my time at chinese service. it's amazing watching the older folks worship, it's amazing talking to the pastors and learning about their convictions, and it's amazing, the amount of warmth and support received from them as we as members of Hope Church continue to reach out to children of God who belong to the different congregations. you really get to experience this whole new dimension of God's amazing love.
so, back to uncle tan. it's so heartening how he shares, without abandon, his experiences back in the days. having grown up in a privileged background, he was agnostic, perhaps bordering on atheism. he was a strong character, only choosing to believe in himself. having lived around kampong glam his whole life, he did business as a textile merchant, and over the years, lost his fortune, lost contact with his family. from his sharing, there were many things in life he regretted, though he never really specifically mentioned what they were.
just 2 weeks back as we had lunch together, i remembered jiadai, serene and i around the table (while little jinbao ran about sporadically) asking him about what he thought of Christ thus far, and whether he was ready to accept Christ. he told us that he had changed his views so much over the months. from someone who looked upon the 三姑六婆 he came into contact with much disdain, and believed that he was the only one in the world whom he could depend on, it's already a huge step that he has taken to go to church, and that he needed more time.
he told us that he really liked the values that the church preached.
i honestly believed there was more than just values that moved him.
more than anything, he shared, he was so moved and touched by the love and care that we've showered him these past few months. jiadai told him that it was one thing to receive second hand love from God, but it was another to receive His love directly from the source, and that we were asking him this, because our time on earth is short, and this was the least that we could do- to share God's love and joy with him.
when thursday came about, i couldn't believe my ears. God, did you want me to see Your love in this servitude, only to stumble me by cruelly taking away the uncle whom we were this close to bringing to heaven? but no matter, i remembered something that i shared a while back, that God, our Father moves in wondrous ways. and for that, i earnestly believed that uncle tan had already chose to accept God into His life the moment he accepted the love we had poured upon him in his last months. i just knew it in my heart, and prayed for that faith of belief.
friday noon, i dropped by his wake with jacq and wenda.
above his coffin, was a cross.
i nearly burst into tears when i saw it.
his daughter and daughter-in-law were around, and we got a chance to know more about the events that preceded his passing.
it had only been recently that his children reconnected with him after 30 years. all this while, it had been just uncle tan on his own. his son and daughter-in-law a, a catholic, got to know about him attending church from one of the sisters during our visits at the hospital, and decided to bring a priest to 'anoint' him (to prepare him to receive God).
but more amazingly, was that we got a chance to share with his family about uncle tan. his daughter was ever so curious and eager to find out how his father had been all these years. i will never know what happened between their family, but i believe God wanted us to set a peace in their hearts about the dad they never got to know much of, as we shared about how uncle tan encouraged us in his own ways. it's so so amazing on hindsight, to put the pieces together and see how God had planned out his path for uncle tan to receive Him into his life. wow.
it was amazing how we managed to pray with his daughter (who doesn't know the lord yet) and his daughter-in-law for uncle tan and his family.
over the last 3 days, members from youth, kids, YG and the chinese service visited uncle tan's wake. even the pastors from the chinese service came down to visit, and managed to share the gospel! i got to learn about little snippets of God's goodness, that uncle tan had even shared the gospel with his sister, about how uncle tan's son was floored and intrigued by how the various congregations of the church came together as God's people (and now as i'm typing i'm crying tears of joy), and thought about paying us a visit one day. we see the crazy effects of how God's crazy love overflows into other people's lives when we do His work, and it's amazing. i just remember last saturday's sermon about the importance of the church as a family. it touches my heart deeply, whenever i see people of God, all ages and different life stations, come together to do His work. always love the heart conviction after the mind convicts.
now this is the kind of life transformation that i am talking about.
God, you are too amazing, too awesome, and you orchestrate the most amazing love stories!
**
so i got to spend time with the grandparents whom i dearly love. i clip popo's nails, and help her bathe and dress, and it breaks my heart that she doesn't know Jesus yet. she keeps asking me the same old questions- what am i doing now, when is jie coming to visit, what are we doing tonight, as Alzheimer's gets the better of her. i watched my littlest aunt (who has down syndrome) hug popo, stroke her white hair and kiss her on the head and say i love you in the most dearest fashion, and i know that this is what love is.
what is it like to age? how confusing it must be to be in popo's shoes, to be around things that she has no recollection of. i'm convicted to do something more than just paying them the mandatory visit once or twice a year. but now, this is my constant prayer, to bring my family to know God.
because i know that papa, mummy, my brothers, gong gong, po po- they could be so much more yielded with that peace from the Lord.
because over the weeks, i've realised that the mission of a family- what Christ has called us out to do, is to be that strength and that city on the hill when we serve God together.
and it is the duty of my sister and i, to labour in prayer to bring them to know Jesus.
beginning to see even more facets of His goodness, and i'm absolutely floored.
2 pictures to end off:
this is why i love melaka. good food in almost every corner.
even more awesome when it's just sitting next to gong gong, who passes me every single dish to try, stuffing me with awesome food, because this is dimsum that he grew up with. :)
so many things that God is speaking into my life right now, and i know it is my deepest desire, to remain pure before Him. Jesus, convict me further, because my life is all Yours.
i know that if i could take that time to read a verse or two from the Bible on the way to work and keep it close to my heart for the rest of the day, the exponential nature of the supernatural God i know would probably multiply the fruits of His words. instead, i find myself nodding off during half-hearted prayers, and mind wandering to other thoughts before settling into the dusty depths of torpidity.
my default personality polarises towards solitude. it is ever so comfortable to reside into this seclusion and self-centredness when i get so tired and burnt out physically. of late, i think i'm turning into a workaholic. (not a very productive one though, given i don't know how i will ever survive without siestas on beanbags.)
but this is what i've come to realise -
i could draw away from Him in times of busyness. my desire to serve could dwindle, shoveled by the never ending planning, meetings and work to complete. in the process of leaving God out of the picture, i meet deadlines, i complete tasks. but at the end of the day, i crash, feeling tired, isolated, and never quite at peace. there's just something missing in the equation.
on saturday during worship, i felt like i just couldn't come before God and sing Jesus be the centre of my life without feeling sickened that i wasn't living out whatever my mouth was spewing. i don't wanna raise my hands in mock adoration when my life isn't real, true and pure before Him.
**
i question why i feel such an immense struggle when i never used to feel this way.
something suddenly strikes me.
i am a disciple of Christ.
and with that comes the burden of being a good and faithful servant. i don't mean it in a stranglehold sort of way, that i feel tied down or compelled to do anything, for God never forces anyone into His will.
it is not fear that compels me. it is the love of wanting to obey the Father.
do His work, my child, and everything will fall into place.
when the Holy Spirit lives within you, it becomes your conscience. (John 16:8) it's insane. i haven't realised how empowered it actually makes one, till of late. i find myself knowing the answers to things that would have confused or stumbled me before. i speak with conviction, not because i was born this way (on the contrary i was never really certain about what i spoke, and that fear of not being perfect and not being absolutely right stumbled me and i could not move forward ever), but only because i have the absolute faith in Christ. that i could be a complicated mess when i let my thoughts get the better of me, but when it comes to trusting in Him, i desire to be childlike and nothing else.
**
i've resolved that i will live in constant reminder of His supernatural power and love, in reflection of His blessings. thus began my reflection on my week and i realised that there were two events in particular that really renewed me-
charmaine, a p3 girl whom i made friends with at the psch carnival. manning this prizes booth which had excited kids coming in with stacks of colored slips indicating their wins at the game booths, i had to turn her and her dad away because she didn't have any of those. but i knew i had to do something. finding her, and to see her sheer excitement as she picked out the letters to her colorful bracelet. i brought her to play this a shooting game because i so desperately wanted her to experience the feeling of winning something of her own like her peers.
as i stepped in line to wait for our turn, i was just thinking "what if charmaine didn't manage to shoot anything through the holes? how should i make her still feel like a winner?" and half blaming myself for not having chosen something that ensured an easy win. as i guided her small hands to the foam gun and taught her how to aim, i prayed and prayed.
the first pellet bounced off the box.
the second didn't even make it within the boundaries of the box. it was tough, navigating the gun and allowing charmaine to gain control with her physical condition.
the third whizzed over some kid's head. urghhhhhhh!
God, i REALLY REALLY want to let charmaine experience victory!
when we pulled the final trigger, it all happened so fast. the games in charge cheered and handed us a green slip to collect our prize. i couldn't believe my eyes. the pellet went through our target! i shouted damn loudly with glee and hugged charmaine. when i held that tiny body of hers, i felt her shake with excitement of her own victory,
and i knew that God was behind it all.
˜
and darling cassandra! finally, a meetup in light of her birthday. i don't really know how to put it in words, but our thoughts and conversations are serious poetry in motion. she's one of those people who reads my thoughts and completes my sentences and asks me questions that throw me off course but are questions that allow me the answer to my own problems. at the same time she's such a person of humility, always willing to listen to what i have to say because she prizes growth to be a better person so much. though she's so philosophical in the craziest ways (can't really describe what kinda strange thoughts she has, but they're funky. haha) she makes me feel that everything in life, mountain highs and valley lows, are exciting crazy fun things to be conquered! so crazy and insane but it's always so refreshing to be with her. honestly! i don't really know where to start thanking God for blessing so many of my friendships with such soul and spiritual depth.
**
these two things have made me realise how important it is to look both inwards and outwards when healing. complete healing can never take place when we look inwards. because no matter what it is there is a limitation to how we can see God's glory in our lives. but when God starts to work wonders when we love in His love, i experience so much more of His amazing grace! i cannot even begin to list out the number of breakthroughs and convictions that i've build up while serving others.
**
something also struck me over the week about my Mission.
i don't exist to force upon anyone my values and beliefs.
i don't exist with the deluded notion that i am the life transformer.
i don't exist as the regimental Pharisee, seeing myself as more righteous than anyone else (because we are all sinners anyway).
i exist, to be used by Him.
i exist, to show the world what it means to be loved by Jesus.
i exist, to bring out God's best in people.
that joy, unspeakable joy and that heart stop whenever the person at the receiving end reaches a revelation about something that could potentially be the first step towards a deeper relationship with God. it excites me so much to see people take steps towards God's Kingdom, and to see people understand more of the great great love from our God.
this is how i've decided to place importance in my life -
Jesus
People
Me
hurray!
oh, and one more thing. i played hide and seek with jinbao today during lunch, and didn't feel silly that i was hiding behind chairs, almost crawling on my fours and popping out from random places. i think that God might just be growing my heart for tiny people.
and i could go on and on about what He has spoken to me through prayer, but the lack of structure and long-windness in long posts is making me a little uncomfortable. next time! i've somersby in the fridge right now. mm :)
yesterday night, i got into an argument with my youngest brother.
it was about something i needed to take a stand as a sister, and not keep silent as i normally would. it was hardly comparable to how fights happened among the siblings; they used to be the most intense sputs ever, but they also haven't taken place in a long long time. 8 years?
for the longest time after, I sat in my room feeling angry and disappointed, wondering if things would ever be the same again. even though it was such a short one, it was also the first argument i ever had with him. 5 years apart, he's my dearest baby brother whom i watched after when we were growing up. i've seen him through some crazy periods in both our lives, seen him fumble, and then pick himself up and seen him grow in greater maturity and measure as a gentleman, and that's something i'm always proud of.
so close we wore matching tops.
he is one of the few people in this world who really get me. sometimes, it's forgivable that the younger one would naturally take the older one for granted, but our relationship redefines siblinghood. we're in this mutually protective relationship, where i protect him as a younger brother but speak into his life when i feel he needs to man up in silly situations. he protects me by looking out for me whenever we spend time outside and by caring for me deeply.
i will always remember the afternoon that i got baptised, he saw my struggle when i couldn't get papa to support me on my decision, and decided to come along together with jian to support me just because he knew it met alot to me for family to be there.
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so after all that happened, I started to question those times that i had guided and nudged him to the path of righteousness. had they been reduced to a breakdown of his values regarding respect and honor?
I laid in my hammock, and nodded off.
a knock.
twice.
it was him, with an apology and explanation about the misunderstanding.
we spent the next few hours, till the the wee hours of the morning catching up about the family, love, and his dreams. words can't describe this melody we launch into whenever we share about each others' lives. it's moments like these when i realise how insanely i love and treasure my family, and it renews that yearning for their salvation.
so zhi taught me a really valuable lesson. love is an honest to goodness sacrifice of our inner struggle for control, and cannot ever be prideful. when there is pride, no way could the experience of a relationship ever reach the standard that God intends for it to be.
thank you for the openness, and for holding what we share to high esteem.
two hearts intertwined is a dangerous combination. hearts so intertwined with a soul connection, perhaps perceived (the very perception that it does gives truth to it)- the alignment of intellectual and spiritual depth that lends to the understanding of each others' thoughts. i am talking about an attraction so severe, because you know that heart, the mind, the soul tells you so. things are unspoken, but still deep understanding is the common understanding. and it needs to be mutual, of course. (if not, it gets kinda delusional.)
when soul alignment takes place, the want to grow more into each other takes place. because even with that alignment, there are bound to be differences, but it is in our second nature to want to be one; God created us that way. (Ephesians 5:31)
that is why love either creates or destroys.
love creates when this love is God's kind of love. the gentle spirit of the slowing burning steadfast love of the Father. He acts in loving kindness because he knows it all, the essence of all things in the light.
love destroys when we seep in sinful human thoughts and ways. we stay in grey clouds of obsession, trample each other's righteousness by indulging one another. even in the keeping of love within a relationship, a force that God created to fight the darkness in this world, tends to lead down a slippery slope of disaster. love was never meant to be a selfish possession between merely two or a few people, but in such cultivation brought out to be light in this world. else it be explosive in nature, channeled towards lame ways, like possessiveness, or the testing of the extent of one another's love.
and here i bring in 2 Corinthians 6:14, one of the most used yet misunderstood verses in the bible about romantic relationships:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
and this makes so much sense to me now.
love is created when we choose to put Jesus Christ as our first love, when we know that despite human imperfections, if Jesus rules and governs our lives and relationships, that nothing can ever be "subjective judgment" anymore because God is the ultimate judge. in the building up of a relationship/friendship based on God above all, it grows from strength to strength, never to be shaken by the ways of thought that traverses through seasons and generations.
love destroys like mentioned in 2 Corinthians 6:14. perhaps it could work the opposite, that light overwhelms darkness. but that is the exception, not the norm. in most cases, it stumbles. when the growing of likeness presents a merger of both parties' beliefs and values, that is where compromises take place.
as nicholas sparks puts it, "pure love awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."
word, but only when Jesus Christ defines pure love.
S: are you okay, hui xin?
H: that's a strange question. why would i not be okay?
S: cause you always seem so happy all the time, so i won't be able to tell when you're not.
H: i'm fine! (i think.)
--
well, i really am. save for really needing a long and deep sleep without worries about meeting next week's milestone.
the age of enlightenment, a cultural movement by intellectuals in the 18th century, gave rise to the popularity of deism, where one believes in the existence of a divine authority, accepts the righteous practices that the doctrine calls for, but rejects the divine authority of a God that acts in supernatural and miraculous ways. Jesus was merely seen as a moral teacher.
i can totally imagine a bunch of intellectuals in the room, discussing about the practicality and goodness of righteousness in religiosity to improve civil society, yet dispelling the idea of God moving in supernatural ways. after all, belief in anything beyond would probably have marked suicide of their social capital and intellectual credibility.
this was the account of Benjamin Franklin who embarked on a project of attaining "moral perfection":
I wish'd to live without committing any fault at any time; I would conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into. As I knew, or thought I knew, what was right and wrong, I did not see why I might not always do the one and avoid the other. But I soon found I had undertaken a task of more difficulty than I had imagined. While my care was employed in guarding against one fault, habit took the advantage of inattention; inclination was sometimes too strong for reason. I concluded, at length, that the mere speculative conviction that it was our interest to be completely virtuous, was not sufficient to prevent our slipping; and that the contrary habits must be broken, and good ones acquired and established, before we can have any dependence on a steady, uniform rectitude of conduct.
He then came up with 13 virtues, with intention to "acquire habitude" of all these virtues.
I made a little book, in which I allotted a page for each of the virtues. I rul'd each page with red ink, so as to have seven columns, one for each day of the week, marking each column with a letter for the day. I cross'd these columns with thirteen red lines, marking the beginning of each line, and in its proper column, I might mark, by a little black spot, every fault I found upon examination to have committed respecting that virtue upon that day..
My list of virtues contain'd at first but twelve; but a Quaker friend having kindly informed me that I was generally thought proud; that my pride show'd itself frequently in conversation; that I was not content with being in the right when discussing any point, but was overbearing, and rather insolent, of which he convinc'd me by mentioning several instances; I determined endeavouring to cure myself, if I could, of this vice or folly among the rest, and I added Humility to my list, giving an extensive meaning to the word.
I cannot boast of much success in acquiring the reality of this virtue, but I had a good deal with regard to the appearance of it. I made a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others, and all possitive assertion of my own. I even forbid myself, agreeably to the old laws of our Junto, the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix'd opinion, such as certainly, undoubtedly, etc., and I adopted, instead of them, I conceive, I apprehend, or I imagine a thing to be so or so; or it so appears to me at present. When another asserted something that I thought an error. I deny'd myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition; and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear'd or seem'd to me some difference, etc...
In reality, there is, perhaps, no one of our natural passions so hard to subdue as pride. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself; you will see it, perhaps, often in this history; for, even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility.
the most painful piece i've ever read of some one's attempt to be righteous as an end in itself, just to be perfect for the sake of it.
i think the point at the end of the day really isn't about whether he attained his defined perfection, or the questionable moral compass that he used to define perfection, or the fact that despite all that discipline his essay still bled self-righteousness, but really- drawing parallels of the situation back then to modern day christianity,
1) are we using the spiritual habits and conceptions about God of the people around us as a yardstick to box up our perceptions of walking right with the Lord? 2) do we imagine transformation of our lives to be the rational conditioning of habits, or do we stake our lives on the belief that He has a part to play in this, empowering us by the Spirit and changing our hearts to be pure, through and through?
3) and more importantly, what is our heart for wanting to attain the perfection of Jesus?
--
some thing struck me the other day while poring a book over a busride. what makes a disciplined person, and what makes a disciple?
in the words of John Orterg, "a disciplined person is someone who can do the right thing at the right time in the right way with the right spirit.", but a disciplined follower of Jesus, a disciple, is not someone "who has mastered the disciplines and never misses a daily regimen of spiritual exercise. A disciplined follower of Jesus is someone who discerns when laughter, gentleness, silence, healing words, or prophetic indignation is called for, and offers it promptly, effectively, and lovingly."
wow.
when i read that, that was there and then that i realised what it means to be Christ-like. not attempting to be righteous through our means in hopes that the standards of righteousness could reach that of Jesus Christ's, but in seeking to know that heart of Christ- sharing His burdens and pains and sorrows and joys, taking on that cross, and in the process, attaining righteousness because the intentions of the hidden heart overflows into every aspect of our lives. so at the end of the day, righteousness is the spillover effect of attaining the heart of Christ, not the other way around.
and no human discipline or strength, but Love for you can make me run this race as Your good and faithful servant, because only Your love can make me whole. You're not a human-created concept of divinity with limitations, but the all powerful, omnipotent God, and Your son the way, the truth, and the life. (John 14:6)
so the real question, perhaps, is this: do we love Jesus enough?
i'd like to think i'm someone who has it all together. going about life, being strong.
the strange memories you remember from childhood? i was 11, and running a high fever one day. i refused to tell anyone because i thought i could still get by the school day. when my form teacher came around and discovered my head on the table and insisted that i went home to rest, i remembered feeling a strong sense of guilt even though it was probably my right to that MC. it was the first one that i ever took in my school life.
when i was 13, i went for my first gym lesson and rolled over a bouncy gym ball and landed on my left arm. heard this strange sound followed by an excruciating pain. the gym instructor told me to call my parents but i insisted on getting through the day and going home myself. i reached home, and collapsed in a heap of tears when i saw my mom. my arm was wrapped up in a cast for a month.
taking on a parent's view of the world could well be beneficial to a child or not, depending on how close the parent is to God's ideals of parenthood. since young, i've always felt like i could relate very much to my dad. he was in every sense my role model. i took on his ideals and mindsets and beliefs, including the lie that everything always had to be held together in his own strength. when horrible things started to happen to me, i held up that strong front and never told a soul. the people whom i most dearly loved and depended upon crumbled, and the weight of the world was burdened upon my shoulders. they weren't that unsinkable crucible whom i thought they were, and i didn't know whom to turn to. but i knew i had to get all things together in my life because that was the very least that i could do as a daughter to love them.
for years after, 'the hero lies in you' was the mantra that kept me going. and sure, i kept those dark days to myself and thought i could hide them, and thought myself 'hero' in my own life, but no one ever gets away from hiding something like that without a spillover.
it's easy to share convictions, but so tough sometimes to lay raw problems and thoughts. perhaps inbuilt in me, that i shouldn't let one take on the burden of my problems, or the fear that they will never understand what i am going through. many things in life that i keep to myself, and manage to hide completely from even my own emotions.
The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them—words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear.
Stephen King
i think the above sums up the why.
i'm always kinda happy. i focus on the things in life that let me awe at God's wonder, maybe because i know that happiness is a choice. but tonight, i woke up from a nap with a soggy pillow and a startling revelation, that God doesn't require me to always have it going and to always have the strength to be able to conquer everything in this world.
i guess a part of me thinks i have to be strong because i will be letting Him down if i feel weak since "we can do all things through Him who strengthens". but the realisation is that i don't always need things to be perfect and i don't need to be that perfect girl, it's alright to be weak, it's alright to feel hurt and it's alright to feel like a child because He wants me to cry out to Him when i'm helpless and not try to hold everything together. the most important thing is not to have all things in life held together, but to always have the faith that God will make all things right through utter dependence on Him.
well, right now, i'm not ok.
Father, teach me how to come before you without needing to be strong in my own strength. let me feel like a child once more and rely on You for that comfort and love.
today Ps Simon preached about knowledge of the embodiment of the spirit of God when one is able to see God's favour in all circumstances. that we can even be joyful about shitty spots in our lives and know this is all part of the process of moulding to the fulfillment of His purpose for us.
had this stored in my drafts and thought it could draw some parallels with today's sermon.
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there are days where i fumble.
there are days where i feel trapped in the cycle of a comfortable habit.
there are days where i am self-absorbed.
there are days where i think about relationships, and how i could have handled them better.
there are days i wanna turn the clock the other way.
there are days where i get so hopelessly drawn into the past me, the person that i once was.
there is a queer romanticism in getting lost in one's thoughts. when you don't draw boundaries, you could imagine how these thoughts go out of this world, past the clouds and galaxies, flutter past souls and hearts and goes beyond reach. much like how everything has a centre of attraction, the creation of thoughts solidify them into matter, lending to a centre of attraction that cloyingly sticks to you and like a vortex, draws your entire being into them. it is seductive, almost desirable, to be a slave to our creations.
but, as we lay in bed before turning off the night lights, it sinks in. or maybe we're are just too exhausted and crash- the feeling carries over to daylight. it is akin to that of a hangover. or post-crappy joint. a swell of disconnect that weighs down the left of our chests- the heaviness of an emptiness.
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and i thought life was gonna be smooth sailing after receiving His forgiveness.
we listen to testimonies of life transformation in others, and want the same life change, the same amazing things to happen. but we sit around, twirling our hair and fiddling with our thumbs, waiting for that supernatural transformation and healing to occur.
i could tell you that God is the miracle, beyond nature, whom can heal us instantaneously. you know, He could very well. but Kingdom economics just doesn't operate that way. at least, if you've been sitting around waiting for something to happen and it hasn't, something must be missing in the equation.
have we yearned enough, have we seeked enough, have we prayed enough?
it is common knowledge that we want the best for ourselves. it is head knowledge that God knows what's best for us. and thus, logically, we should always depend on Him for wisdom and direction. but why is it that we struggle to obey Him in the toughest moments?
i've heard my fellow Christians. they say, "have faith!"
seriously, how does one possess faith?
i've realised that at the end of the day, faith cannot exist without the experience of the extent of His love.
i don't know what's best for myself. partly because it is not in human wisdom to fathom that elusive and abstract 'best', but also because i am fallen and weak. in my own strength to fight off temptations of the world, the meagre love i have for myself and the perceived long term returns of building a good and righteous character is not enough to overcome the flippancy of the moment.
but of course this is where i come face to face with Jesus. nothing will draw me close to Him, nothing will make me desire more of Him, but the unshakable faith that i've cultivated from experiencing this- "He who loved, knows what's best for me."
we could memorize the bible from cover to cover and be anointed to preach, but if we have not experienced the highest form of His love, nothing could ever save us when we hit the pit.
the turning point for me in my walk with God was one of which head knowledge translated to heart knowledge, some time at the beginning of this year. i read about testimonies, watched how He moved among the different nationalities, comprehended His heart for the people of the world, reflected on how He had guided me and blessed me through those dark days of my life. it made me cry real and hard tears. i remembered watching Passion, and it shook me so much i starting sobbing uncontrollably throughout the whole movie in front of my laptop screen. ha ha. i know, it is such a silly spot to be hit by the glory and love of God, but that was really my transformative point. it was really crazy. that experience remains so so real and so close to me because it was the first time the tangible presence and love of God was revealed so powerfully to me. all i can say is that, this kinda experience stays within you. it shakes your entire being and perception of the world, and nothing is ever quite the same after. you literally feel a different spirit running through you, and you experience an entire new spectrum of emotions- the positive, radiant, loving sort. everything i experienced, the people whom i interacted with, the perspectives i held all took a 180 change. it is amazing being filled with God's love. you want to pray, you want to minister, you want to love.
and back to where i was, on days that i feel so weak and a prisoner to my thoughts, this is what i turn to. knowing that He is real. knowing that He wants to help me.
i pray.
and He has never failed.
just 2 simple points tonight.
1) if we want our lives transformed, we ought to yearn, seek and pray dangerously for it.
2) the secret to staying close to Him in all circumstances is faith, and can only be cultivated by true experience of His pure, unadulterated love.
so i'm keeping Ephesians 3:16-19 close to me. let it be a prayer to the fulfillment of Proverbs 3:3!
much as many imagine competency to be something that one works towards, i.e. progress happens slowly and surely with the effort. i totally believe in that, but i also believe there is something called the competency breakthrough.
i used to be quite a bad writer. no matter how hard i tried to spruce up a composition or how long i tried my hand, or how many times i squashed up pieces of carbon coated paper, everything i wrote came out flat. emotionless. like doing an oral exam paper. i couldn't string together a plot to save my life. one day, i decided that my detest of writing cardboard essays had to end. i took on the shoes and mind of Arundhati Roy, and somehow my essay came out sounding like The God of Small Things. that was pretty crazy for me, because after that i never wrote quite like before. even stimulations around me took on a different sort of vibration. observing and living life became a little like Requiem for a Dream/American Beauty/Amelie-esque. i think my point is- sometimes our ill competencies are in every sense its literal meaning. ill for a reason because of a lock in our brain, or heart. sometimes all it needs is a shift in perspective, or something that clicks it open, and floodgates ensue, of that potential within us that we never knew existed.
--
a little off the subject, but i think it's really funny how God keeps sending these random strangers to me- physically hungry i know, but deep down, i know there's more to what they need. these kinda things always break my heart- why do i suffice with just an offer to buy dinner/breakfast and a silent prayer when i know my situation mirrors to a tee that of Peter in Acts 3!?! Jesus, give me wisdom and courage to use your name powerfully!
many times during quiet time, i find myself trying to squeeze my reading into that short span of time i set aside a day. it is rushed, and never peaceful and still. i've decided that i want a breakthrough in the way i do my quiet time because it is honestly one of the key areas of one's walk with Christ.
after some prayer, i've decided that the next 21 nights i will go into a time of facebook fasting and prayer for specific areas in my life that i want to see His hand in, and at the same time examining the book of James. so, really praying for that free time, and for the physical strength to be obedient because it is always so exhausting at the end of a working day.
as some one living in this world of endless wonders, possibilities and things that the human mind could yet fathom, it's crazy the amount of stimulations and influence we get from the things we experience around us.
and if you were some one who realised the importance of keeping your life real and true to your beliefs, perhaps there are many things in this world that you don't believe in, and choose not to be a part of.
i realised that i grew up with the luxury of having everything i needed in front of me, provided by a pair of parents who clothed and fed us lovingly as they perceived love to be. but on the other hand, they were pretty tight fisted with luxuries that we could well have afforded. sometimes i am really quite thankful for the values that we were brought up to possess, even albeit all the grumbling of knowing that we could have led an even more comfortable life.
but herein lies this dilemma. in this life, one could choose between 2 choices- to be of this world or not of this world. to be of this world, is to accept and feed importance to the things that society values or accepts, like pretty clothes, branded things, power to control, money, sex before marriage.. there are many more.
but if you refuse to accept these social norms as part of your value system, you are less of this world. of course there might still be the more positive social norms that you could accept like good grades, and a stable job which allow for adequate functioning of the individual. but when rejection of certain values start to occur, it is a dangerous life you are leading, because you run the risk of being anti-establishment. looking at the way values in society are slowly but surely morphing for the worse, you'd either go with the flow and be disgruntled in the long run, or you recognize where it is headed towards, thereby catalysing the process of disgruntlement. you might not think it is much at first. you might even try to create your own filter mechanism- let's all accept the good values of society and reject the bad.
it sounds easy, but it wasn't for me. it spilled over to other areas of my life, and even the things i was passionate about, i started getting disillusioned with. my course in university was amazing, but i just couldn't keep in step because i was just so engulfed by the fact that life was too scary to be handled. i had no idea where i was headed towards. there was nothing of this world i wanted to hold on to other than love, and even the very concept of love in our society had been reduced to the self-satisfying, unstable, ill-dependent types that threw me in a state of disarray.
being not of this world, initially something positive because it means you are grounded in your own beliefs, could potentially poison one into a bitter person full of angst and hatred for the world. it's hard to function like that, because you wake up with no idea where you're headed towards, you see people who are successful and joyful and jealousy seeps into your very soul even as you attempt to shrug off all these ill feelings of contempt, wanting to stay true to your very roots.
so i'd like to ask- where are the roots in which you ground your personal beliefs?
is it your conscience, of which its entirety depended upon your emotions and state of being? is it in a person- a lover, a sibling, a parent, or a friend whom you look up to and wish to model after?
i tell you now, these things fall away. because the very nature of humans is such that we are deceived by our own experiences. we form our ideas and values and beliefs based on the subjective human experience. it may have been fine if we went through a perfect childhood with perfect parents who never fought a day and whom loved us unconditionally. it may have been fine if we went to school and never got bullied, never felt like a lousy student because all we got were straight As, and never went through setbacks and failure. but obviously, who am i kidding?
modeling after a person we desire to be- i ask you, have you ever been the person people wanted to model after? have you always felt worthy of that title? the deep dark secrets of our hearts, even though unrevealed most of the time, we know that there have been times that we've failed, that we've been prideful, envied, angered, lusted and let gluttony, greed and sloth get the better of us. really, to have your hopes and world crumble when we discover the person whom we desire to be is just human after all. it is a painful experience.
we could be conscious of the fact that we're being moulded by our experience. we could repeat it a gazillion times in our mind- "i will never ever repeat the same mistakes that my parents did. i will never get my heart broken, i will never get attached emotionally to any one ever..etc." as we go through these experiences, we are hardened outside, but ultimately, there is a part of us slowly crumbling inside. and then one day, what is left of us is a hardened and hollow heart, too tired to give anything to even the ones we love.
**
humans are made to form attachments. i learnt that the hard way. holding on to the transient- music, people, interests, astrology.. you name it. nothing ever fulfilled that inner most longing to know something even higher, some one whom i eventually realised was the creator of all of earth, heaven, and above all, Love. i set my firm foundation in Jesus. it sounds like something silly, cliche and abstract, especially since He existed what, 2000 years ago? but here's the deal. no one, even the historians and Jews and Muslims could deny His existence. the only disconnect lies in His claim as the son of God. so let us beg the question for a moment (seek for answers to your questions and you will find.). He is the son that our loving God sent to this earth to teach us the ways of living. and this is the reason why i seek to be like Him all the days of my life. just like how we form attachments with the people we love because we desire to be like them, that's how i form mine with Him. you know why? because He is infallible. because He is the constant, never ending, never failing, steadfast and sacrificial source of love and light in my life. He is the reason why i can look upon all the darkness and sadness in this world with that peace and joy because i know there is hope for every one of His people as long as we get to know Him. He is the perfect love, and that is how i want to live my life. just like He did.
the thoughts that fleet through our mind sometimes highlight the absurdity of the human condition. the thoughts that people don't put in the raw, the thoughts that make you think you must have been the only one in the world who thought that way. and all of our lives, we seek for that one person who gets us, the one that could discard us of our insanity. we throw our entirety in that friend, lover, parent, sibling and expect that they will get us and support and love us for all of eternity.
one day, that notion fails, and our entire world crumbles.
and as we attempt to pick ourselves up, we realise that no one, absolutely no one, would understand us like You do. our identity can be formed in none but You, Jesus.
we've been examining the book of corinthians during chinese service these few weeks, and it has never failed to speak to me. today we did 1 corinthians 10, on looking back and remembering our spiritual heritage. chapter 10 speaks of the time God brought Moses and the Israelites through parting the red sea, into the desert that had them wandering for 40 years. 40 years, and not days, because they were not faithful, but God still sustained them daily. and who were to emerge from the desert, but Joshua and Caleb- the ones filled with faith, who entered the promise land eventually. these past few days i've been doing a bit of revisitation of my lost past, and how i've probably been 'wandering in the desert' since i was 15.
i had the opportunity to share this a few days back, so i had to mine through the memories, and vaguely remember those days. locked in my room with my books, reading stuff like The Bell Jar, Virgin Suicides, Milan Kundera and watching stuff like American Beauty to numb and escape from the reality of living and the fear of moving forward and being lost in the emptiness of the world. it was no wonder all the literature i was exposed to, coupled with a really trying and unstable period of my life saw me in a really lost state.
thanks to my attempts to be tech-savvy back in those dial-up network days, i had the chance to go through many of my previous blog posts, and wow, i think i may have underestimated the extent of my depressive state.
here's a few of them, not to stumble anyone, but really, the stark contrast of my state of being then and now is quite mind-blowing, and i really want it to serve as a testimony. these were mainly from 2004, because short of the rest of the years that i was going through this trying period, 2004 was really a year filled with physical, emotional and mental pain.
20 January 2004
sometimes i just want things to change. i just want things to go my way. and that is when turning upside down comes into place. just when i feel that everything in my head is just like a time bomb just ticking by, waiting to explode, when i feel my troubles are just like this burning inferno in my head, turning upside down helps. i feel the blood all rush to my head and i smell this horrible smell of sickness. it is the stench i smell everytime i am down with a flu, the smell that replaces every scent in the world. it is the smell of not being able to smell anything, and yet it smells bad. this is when i feel the weight in my heart being lifted and just poured away to my own abyss of sorrows.
18 March 2004
When I see old people boarding the bus or looking very haggard indeed, chances are that I would give up my seats to them. But it struck me one day, what if these old people I’ve been giving up my seats to were ill-mannered little freaks as children? What if they were those kind that never bothered to let old people have their seats when they were teens? What if they were unfilial brats who abandoned their parents at nursing homes? What if they were people who cheated on their families and gambled away every bit of cash that they had? What if.. what if.. oh dear, the possibilities are endless. It was then that I realized that if I continue thinking of things this way, I would continue having this ugly and black impression of every single person I meet.
It’s true, from the simplest things, such as people lending me a hand, I would go on to thinking, oh, what if he/she did it as an “act” and not really because he/she earnestly wanted to help me. And I would form an ugly side of that person although I actually know that every single one of us have that hideous facet that we do not know of.
Well, I say, ignorance is bliss. To all those people that do not know a thing, I admire you. because, if you are ignorant, you wont have an idea that you are ignorant, and you would think you know the world, but actually you are ignorant but you don’t know it, because that’s precisely what makes you ignorant. However, to those people who do understand and are not ignorant, they know what ignorance is. They know they should have chose to be ignorant and not spend their time forever pondering about things related to everything.
On the other hand, I can say that I am not ignorant, but since ignorant people think that they are not ignorant, am I ignorant as well? Am I one of those people out there that actually think they know the world but in actual fact, are just like every single one of those painful blogs that I browse through everyday?
I am draining away all of my juices discussing the most mundane things. Such simple things they may seem, but it’s these little things that make life so important.
I just know that my brain would shrivel up into a liquid mess if I ever ceased to indulge in philosophy.
25 March 2004
I’ve reached this saturation point of time where I really cannot be bothered with what my life is all about. When ever I am in one of my small little thoughts thinking about such, such and such, I think about how wonderful it is that all humans keep behind this little mask that does not show their true being.
Because what would we be like if our real guts were spilled out to ever single one in the world? Then there will be controversy. Then those ugly things that humans have been hiding and secretly hoping that noone would realize would be brought to light. Yes, I’ve said before that human beings shouldn’t deny the fact that selfishness is the root of all actions, but if one day, the entire of humankind were to be that smart to actually find out that every action of theirs has its origins of “me, me and more me”, there would be absolute havoc.
I am not contradicting myself on the havoc part, because in my earlier entries I happen to disregard world peace. but I am talking about the extremity of this “havoc”. I wont want world peace but that doesn’t mean I want absolute havoc on earth too.
Now, I am thinking, even if I am able to make out the most absurd of the human mind, what am I going to get out of it? I look at my tiny reflection on the computer screen, I look at the hands in front of me, I hear the sounds of my mother shuffling in the kitchen, I see my pictures from childhood till now hung in front of me. I think, who cares? Who is going to listen to me anyway? who wants to know about all these anyway? most of them are probably too dumb to understand.
Even if I am thinking, I am deeper, others don’t understand me, do I really care? Given my current deranged situation (I am frowning as I am typing this), I think I am most probably giving some strange paradoxical way of thinking that not even I can make sense of. Most people would probably never understand how it feels like to be able to think so much, so deep, you feel you don’t belong here. But then again, is it so important to be understood?
In this world where everyone thinks you must have a motive, people like me, aimless floaters who cease to find anything in life, are just little grains of brown rice in that whole pot of white porridge. Aimless people are considered of no value in society. On the other hand it is not our fault we cant find anything in life. but there’s a thin line that separates aimless non thinking people and aimless thinking people. Aimless thinking people know how to survive. I am one of them, thus I must be strong, I’ll never be one of those people who kill themselves to make a statement. I live to show the people that even though 99.99% of them cannot relate to me, I still wont break down, I still remain sane enough to watch all these people carry on with life everyday.
I read the Bell Jar some time ago. I’ve never mentioned it, it’s not one of my favorites, because I hate it. I hate how Sylvia Plath has managed to relate to people who suffered from breakdowns as she was one of them. I don’t need to know about her, but reading her novel, you’d know she was someone that had gone through the same thing before. She commited suicide. Yes, she is dead, Sylvia Plath. I wondered if she thought like me. I wondered if the reason she died was because she wanted to be nothing.
Blue Diary was finished 2 weeks ago too. Sometimes there are these novels written in such a surreal kind of way. I feel all so depressed reading about it, as the same way I had felt when I watched American Beauty. It’s hard to describe. Like the Virgin Suicides, it has an absurd plot. 5 sisters? All dead because they committed suicide one by one? Who the hell would believe that? it doesn’t happen, but for some strange reason I find it logical. I don’t think the storyline is stupid just because it can never happen. It is the same with American Beauty. Whoever heard of your best friend wanting to f*** your father?
Beauty, from different points of view. Weird story plot, but all the same it stuck onto my head ever since my sis let me watch it. just a shame it was R(A) by the board of censorships because it presented topics like masturbation. Again, us trying to deny and block off truths when it’s been thrown right in our faces. Not good for our teenagers, is their reason. Not true, I say. What is a millisecond of breasts thrust in their faces going to harm them when the message they learn at the end of the day is more than just the female vasectomy?
So what if we are made to believe this way of narrowing down on our learning materials is good for us? Everyone seems so contented here in Singapore, they have this weird patriotism in them. I am not referring to the unspoken pride of being Singaporeans that we all habour, but it’s about the complacence of us people because we sort of believe that every system works best for us so we are just contented with what we have. Not only that, there is this conceitedness lurking in the air, like we do not believe that there are others out there who are better than us. The truth is, we can stay like that for now, but not forever. This first, top notch thing will soon be a passé thing if Singaporeans refuse to accept others as being better than them.
8 May 2004
If my life depended on dreams, I would have a rather long corridor of queer little thoughts captured in one of those little cells that refuse to unbolt itself. One of them is the ‘trapped in the block’ freak accident.
in that cobweb of units, never ending, this flotsam of units all amalgamate into one as I struggle to make sense out of the block. qwweeretrtyoouyiiooowi however as I look out of the building I see cars. Life still goes on, but I am trapped and noone saves me.
The cycle repeats itself over and over. It doesn’t stop. No, my dreams do not spare me. I’ve been having that one ever since I was five.
But nowadays I dream thoughts of a B3 in Chinese, followed by carnage, and then a little girl in charge of me. She is disgusted by that massacre, so she cries out and says she hates me.
Symbolic dreams. I strongly believe that I’m that little girl.
i realised i can never be able to write like i did 2 years ago. the kind of tone, the issues discussed; superficial. today no eyes asked me what was the greatest thing i regreted in my life. i was left temporary speechless by her because there were so many things i regret doing, but yet, it was because of them, those shallow, silly things that i used to do that moulded me out to be the person i am today. cannot speak much; midyears in 2 days, and an o level chinese paper. me and huiyi have agreed to pace each other in the marathon. i mustnt stop. i wont stop. i cannot stop.
5 November 2004
i dream my own fears. i do not seem like a timid girl, but inside me, i am. i am scared of facing truths, scared of trying hard, hell almost everything. i can never consider myself an achiever because i do not work hard, and neither am i an underacheiver, because i always manage to pull myself up at the last minute and most crucial times.
i am scared of this world. i am scared of facing this world in the future, and i never want to let go of my own world. my own world, consisting of my beliefs. my little beliefs that i religiously write in my blog. but that doesnt reflect my capability to survive. i might be the greatest thinker but afraid to apply my beliefs. believe me i love sharing with people about things, everything under the sun. i can become a philosopher by day, and yet another helpless superficial bimbo by night. it happens. it depends on my mood. discussing about people's looks? superficial, but essential. looks are after all, a part of our lives.
this is what i'm afraid of. never finding myself and being lost in that abyss. i dread days that come by, i dread sleeping at night because i dream about life--- i am afraid that one of my dreams will reveal something about me that i do not want to know.
people know me as a loud girl. i read my farewell notebook and everyone of the entries never fail to mention about my uber loud laugh and outburst or whatever that it. the truth is i only act like that infront of people i know, yet do not know. i am loud, yet quiet. loud only when i feel like it, and quiet when i find nothing in common to be loud about. the truth will always be that people remember me for my loudness. they cant remember me for the times when i am quiet, because i am just nonexistant during those times. what a sad thinker.
and on the other hand, i find myself regretting what i say sometimes. i do not want to sound unsensitive and superficial. i am not like that and i know it. but sometimes i find myself hating myself for the times i hurt people. i dont want to hurt people. i just have a slippery tongue.
i do not like to share my thoughts with people not close to me because they do not know me. i doubt anyone will understand my views unless they know me. what can i say, most people just do not know me for who i am. in addition, what they think of me contrasts to what i really am.
i feel so sad, so sad. :(
17 December 2004
there are times when you feel like stretching out your palm and wishing you owned the world, and had the world. you feel your 5 fingers, and you wish you could just grab hold of the world, because it just seemed so small.. isnt it amazing how many different kinds of things actually exist in society?
but ultimately, one looks for satisfaction. self-satisfaction, to be more precise, and that includes love, money, power.. that makes the world go round. and what makes humans humans.
sigh, and i thought i could change the world.
i think i'm a funny girl. nah, queer is more like it. and i amaze myself with the ability to completely hide my feelings, even show the complete opposite of it. how have i changed over the years? i dont know, and will never know. i know it just came to a day when i realised "my god, look at this world, isnt it all so sick and wonderful at the same time?" and i realised i could never commit suicide just because something was troubling me.
for christmas, i want to hold my life in the palm of my hands. to be able to curl my fingers and grasp my life tightly around my hands, and from then on, to take control of my life. i'll assure you there'll never be a day that i let go. i would grab onto it, and there wont be a day where i'll look back to my past. i do not want to live in my past and my dreams. i want to live my life, the present.
so this last sentence has only begun to show its truth to me recently. perhaps in the last 3 months or so. i've been forced to reexamine my past, the past that i've really buried and tried to forget.
it is necessary, just because God wants me to face those fears, face the verbal, physical and emotional abuse and lies that were fed to me, the horrible and negative lies about the world that i fed to myself through the degenerative nature and downward spiral of my own thought processes. also, to face the sins that i had committed- the things i've said to people in projection of my own anger and hate with the world.
right now, even as i process such dark thoughts i don't think i can stomach a second read because i really hate to imagine myself there and then going through those years of pain, not realising that all i ever needed to do was to turn to God. my 8 years in the desert. sometimes, we think that our years in the desert is really punishment from God to keep us from His blessings just because he executes what He plans.
a punishment. really?
imagine a child strays, and his dad spends all his time trying to get his son's attention by coaxing him back onto the path that he knows is for his son's own good. he doesn't force him into any decision, but is always there, trying to gently guide him back. no authoritative voice booming into his ears commanding him to obey, or else.., or strapping him by the leash. so the son hears him, but refuses to obey, or even worse, refuse to acknowledge his father. at the end of the day, if the son were to come back crying having gone down the path of darkness, what conclusion is to be made but that the son had gone down his well-deserved path?
that was me. and really, it wasn't as though He never tried to point me back to Him. i remember the amazing friendships i had with some Christ followers and the gospel i was exposed to in junior college. some of them i talked about my disdain towards organised religion, some just merely touched me by being the person that Christ was. but i just wouldn't barge. it was the mindset, so entrenched that i held that however God tried to speak to me, i just didn't want to give in. too prideful and too stubborn.
up till the point where i was so broken down and so engulfed and troubled by what i was doing with my life, that all i could do was to turn to Him (that testimony leaves for another day). that was such a humbling moment. to say that prayer of acceptance of the Father back into my life. Jesus broke down all the walls of pride in my life, and with that, i could never turn back to my past.
and that day was the beginning of the promise of God to deliver me out of the desert into the promiseland. has it been a journey since that promise? it has been almost 2 years. acceptance of God into our lives is one thing, but living in full obedience to his purposes is really a whole new level.
at the beginning, i fumbled. i couldn't sense Him. i thought i had to feel Him to know that He was there. i never prayed on my own for a year, lest for superficial prayers like uh, God can it stop being so cold. i lived in a church in Chile, but struggled to find my footing. there even came a point that i wanted to give it up, and started to question His existence. i felt like i was living in my mind, i was reconciling my convictions with facts. yes, people need God, because i hear they have warped concepts of the real, personal God. yes, i need to bring people to church.. remind me why again? those days were such dark times for me. i accepted Him, but i didn't know who He was at all. i was fed sermons on sundays, i listened to downloaded sermons to convince myself of His truth, but in truth i felt so stuck, like i reached a point in my faith where i didn't know how to move on, and i couldn't see how God was real in my life anyway.
i flew back home, visibly stumbled in my faith. i was speaking words of conviction in sharing my experience, but i honestly didn't feel it at all. it was a whole new level of fear. wanting to experience Him, but having no humanness to do so. for the longest time, i struggled to feel anything. i couldn't even cry.
but, i don't know what gave in. perhaps, it was fighting for my faith when i announced to my parents the decision to get water baptised. on that afternoon that i entered the water and emerged as a whole new person in Christ, i got reminded of how He had watched over me even while i was still in the desert. that afternoon, i cried, and knew He was there, and i had to seek him for real, no excuses.
and then perhaps, it was the renewal of hope when my sister came to Christ. i will never know, but breakthroughs started to happen. i had to teach my sister how to pray and worship, and in doing so had to learn how to pray and worship first. she dragged me into questioning me about our faith, that i had to seek to teach. we prayed together. we worshipped together. we learnt together. we experienced God together.
we read the bible and bounced ideas off of each other, and suddenly i learnt a new dimension of His character. the complexity yet simplicity of His love for us, why He moves in the way He does, how Jesus came into the picture and how that is the single act of His love for us, to live as one of us, to go through the experience of the human condition, the sinful nature of which we first got ourselves into, that Jesus had to subject himself to. i remember the upside down kingdom where Jesus as the Lord, came in all humbleness onto earth as the son of a carpenter. i remember how He served His people, how He washed His disciples' feet. that walk up to calvary forever remains in me, and whenever i listen to Via Dolorosa, i remember how the guards pierced the crown of thorns onto Him, i remember the scorns and accuses thrown at Him, and i remember those eyes of His despite the scorns and accuses, of which gentleness spoke nothing but innocent blood shed. and that is what i remember about the King of my life every day. the knowledge that He who created me, created everyone, and He is the only one who can heal me, and the rest of the world.
wow.
those crazy thoughts that i mentioned above- one by one, God got rid of those mindsets. i realised that much of the sadness i felt was due to knowledge of a really broken and sad society and the withdrawal from it was because i didn't want to be like the world. but in order to be not of this world, you fight a losing battle without God, because only He can give the strength and power to stand firm in this world.
and then suddenly, my world whirled around when i saw people around me. i started to see the pain in people. the ones whom i normally get annoyed or angry with. i started to see the potential in people, i started to see people not as how their characters were in their current state, but through His eyes, as people who were a product of their experiences in life and a product of their parents' experiences in life, and people who could be so much more if only they knew of this love higher than the highest heavens. for that, i started to feel His heart for His people, and realised the bondages that sins held towards mankind and that He desired to rid all these in every one of us so that we could live a life of peace and joy. when you realise the depth of His love for us, you just wanna go out there, live out the life of Christ because you're so thankful and happy to be alive, and you want to draw people to know Him as well.
The worldly man treats certain people kindly because he 'likes' them: the Christian, trying to treat every one kindly, finds him liking more and more people as he goes on - including people he could not even have imagined himself liking at the beginning.― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
there is a song by gungor which i recently heard and got really moved by. i think it about sums up the state of how we as people of this world see Jesus and who Jesus really is- the one that i know and love.
so anyway, i realised i digressed quite abit from the discussion on chapter 10. what i really meant to do was to testify how He brought me into the promise land, into where i am now. at peace, and totally joyful, and i can only be thankful for the transforming power of the cross, because i know that i've been healed, through and through.
