There could be exceptions to this modus operandi.

i'd like to think i'm someone who has it all together. going about life, being strong.

the strange memories you remember from childhood? i was 11, and running a high fever one day. i refused to tell anyone because i thought i could still get by the school day. when my form teacher came around and discovered my head on the table and insisted that i went home to rest, i remembered feeling a strong sense of guilt even though it was probably my right to that MC. it was the first one that i ever took in my school life.  

when i was 13, i went for my first gym lesson and rolled over a bouncy gym ball and landed on my left arm. heard this strange sound followed by an excruciating pain. the gym instructor told me to call my parents but i insisted on getting through the day and going home myself. i reached home, and collapsed in a heap of tears when i saw my mom. my arm was wrapped up in a cast for a month.

taking on a parent's view of the world could well be beneficial to a child or not, depending on how close the parent is to God's ideals of parenthood. since young, i've always felt like i could relate very much to my dad. he was in every sense my role model. i took on his ideals and mindsets and beliefs, including the lie that everything always had to be held together in his own strength. when horrible things started to happen to me, i held up that strong front and never told a soul. the people whom i most dearly loved and depended upon crumbled, and the weight of the world was burdened upon my shoulders. they weren't that unsinkable crucible whom i thought they were, and i didn't know whom to turn to. but i knew i had to get all things together in my life because that was the very least that i could do as a daughter to love them.

for years after, 'the hero lies in you' was the mantra that kept me going. and sure, i kept those dark days to myself and thought i could hide them, and thought myself 'hero' in my own life, but no one ever gets away from hiding something like that without a spillover.

it's easy to share convictions, but so tough sometimes to lay raw problems and thoughts. perhaps inbuilt in me, that i shouldn't let one take on the burden of my problems, or the fear that they will never understand what i am going through. many things in life that i keep to myself, and manage to hide completely from even my own emotions.

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them—words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear.

Stephen King

i think the above sums up the why.

i'm always kinda happy. i focus on the things in life that let me awe at God's wonder, maybe because i know that happiness is a choice. but tonight, i woke up from a nap with a soggy pillow and a startling revelation, that God doesn't require me to always have it going and to always have the strength to be able to conquer everything in this world.

i guess a part of me thinks i have to be strong because i will be letting Him down if i feel weak since "we can do all things through Him who strengthens". but the realisation is that i don't always need things to be perfect and i don't need to be that perfect girl, it's alright to be weak, it's alright to feel hurt and it's alright to feel like a child because He wants me to cry out to Him when i'm helpless and not try to hold everything together. the most important thing is not to have all things in life held together, but to always have the faith that God will make all things right through utter dependence on Him.

well, right now, i'm not ok. 

Father, teach me how to come before you without needing to be strong in my own strength. let me feel like a child once more and rely on You for that comfort and love.

:'/ hui xin, you will be okay