hearts that beat for One

so this year was all about knowing the heart of Jesus.

and as this took place it was as though someone took a chisel and worked at every single part of my being, revealing sometimes ugly things about myself, which i flung aside in a bid to lose my sinful self to be the person of Jesus i had grown to love. there were painful moments of floundering, of trying to accept the new self, the misperception that i understood who Jesus was (but not really knowing because i wasn't rooted in the Word), of depending on my own strength and burning out, of questioning whether i could accept this new found identity. but ultimately, there is nothing and no one that i want to grow into but Jesus.

but there was this one aspect of my life that i refused to give it up to the Lord.

it was something that i could never outrightly display the importance that it held over my life because it was my Achilles' heel, the spot which, if broken, would have been a silent contention on my part in a bid to heap sawdust over wounds to seem like i wasn't affected by it.

it led me down this slippery slope of horror as i went about life. the times i was left to ponder, the times my emotions depended purely upon the awaiting of a reply, how our thoughts collided, how words held dual meanings, whether i was the only, or one of many.

these were things that i couldn't for the life of me understand why had come to control my state of being. on one hand, as i looked outward and was convicted of His work which i felt such a longing to do, but on the other hand, the vital muscle within me was getting so affected by the tussle in my mind which withered the want to care about anything else in this world.

as i grew in the Lord in other aspects of my life, this part was like a plaque which presence began to overpower and wrestle with the growing Spirit that God was entrusting me with. kid you not that i entertained the thought that it could operate in silos with the rest of my life.

but it could not.
and it did not.

the breaking point, was the realisation that it wasn't just my own life i was dragging down. it is strange, how it was like reaching into a basket and flinging out wafers of His love, but yet stopping at the one that meant the world, denying that wafer and force feeding a watered down human equivalent.

that is all about to change.