reconnection

i've felt pretty dry this week.

slightly missing nature + music. gungor!

i know that if i could take that time to read a verse or two from the Bible on the way to work and keep it close to my heart for the rest of the day, the exponential nature of the supernatural God i know would probably multiply the fruits of His words. instead, i find myself nodding off during half-hearted prayers, and mind wandering to other thoughts before settling into the dusty depths of torpidity.

my default personality polarises towards solitude. it is ever so comfortable to reside into this seclusion and self-centredness when i get so tired and burnt out physically. of late, i think i'm turning into a workaholic. (not a very productive one though, given i don't know how i will ever survive without siestas on beanbags.)

but this is what i've come to realise -

i could draw away from Him in times of busyness. my desire to serve could dwindle, shoveled by the never ending planning, meetings and work to complete. in the process of leaving God out of the picture, i meet deadlines, i complete tasks. but at the end of the day, i crash, feeling tired, isolated, and never quite at peace. there's just something missing in the equation.

on saturday during worship, i felt like i just couldn't come before God and sing Jesus be the centre of my life without feeling sickened that i wasn't living out whatever my mouth was spewing.

i don't wanna raise my hands in mock adoration when my life isn't real, true and pure before Him. 

**

i question why i feel such an immense struggle when i never used to feel this way.

something suddenly strikes me.

i am a disciple of Christ.

and with that comes the burden of being a good and faithful servant. i don't mean it in a stranglehold sort of way, that i feel tied down or compelled to do anything, for God never forces anyone into His will.

it is not fear that compels me. it is the love of wanting to obey the Father.

do His work, my child, and everything will fall into place.

when the Holy Spirit lives within you, it becomes your conscience. (John 16:8) it's insane. i haven't realised how empowered it actually makes one, till of late. i find myself knowing the answers to things that would have confused or stumbled me before. i speak with conviction, not because i was born this way (on the contrary i was never really certain about what i spoke, and that fear of not being perfect and not being absolutely right stumbled me and i could not move forward ever), but only because i have the absolute faith in Christ. that i could be a complicated mess when i let my thoughts get the better of me, but when it comes to trusting in Him, i desire to be childlike and nothing else.

**

i've resolved that i will live in constant reminder of His supernatural power and love, in reflection of His blessings. thus began my reflection on my week and i realised that there were two events in particular that really renewed me-

charmaine, a p3 girl whom i made friends with at the psch carnival. manning this prizes booth which had excited kids coming in with stacks of colored slips indicating their wins at the game booths, i had to turn her and her dad away because she didn't have any of those. but i knew i had to do something. finding her, and to see her sheer excitement as she picked out the letters to her colorful bracelet. i brought her to play this a shooting game because i so desperately wanted her to experience the feeling of winning something of her own like her peers.

as i stepped in line to wait for our turn, i was just thinking "what if charmaine didn't manage to shoot anything through the holes? how should i make her still feel like a winner?" and half blaming myself for not having chosen something that ensured an easy win. as i guided her small hands to the foam gun and taught her how to aim, i prayed and prayed.

the first pellet bounced off the box.

the second didn't even make it within the boundaries of the box. it was tough, navigating the gun and allowing charmaine to gain control with her physical condition.

the third whizzed over some kid's head. urghhhhhhh! 

God, i REALLY REALLY want to let charmaine experience victory!

when we pulled the final trigger, it all happened so fast. the games in charge cheered and handed us a green slip to collect our prize. i couldn't believe my eyes. the pellet went through our target! i shouted damn loudly with glee and hugged charmaine. when i held that tiny body of hers, i felt her shake with excitement of her own victory,

and i knew that God was behind it all.

˜

and darling cassandra! finally, a meetup in light of her birthday. i don't really know how to put it in words, but our thoughts and conversations are serious poetry in motion. she's one of those people who reads my thoughts and completes my sentences and asks me questions that throw me off course but are questions that allow me the answer to my own problems. at the same time she's such a person of humility, always willing to listen to what i have to say because she prizes growth to be a better person so much. though she's so philosophical in the craziest ways (can't really describe what kinda strange thoughts she has, but they're funky. haha) she makes me feel that everything in life, mountain highs and valley lows, are exciting crazy fun things to be conquered! so crazy and insane but it's always so refreshing to be with her. honestly! i don't really know where to start thanking God for blessing so many of my friendships with such soul and spiritual depth. 

**

these two things have made me realise how important it is to look both inwards and outwards when healing. complete healing can never take place when we look inwards. because no matter what it is there is a limitation to how we can see God's glory in our lives. but when God starts to work wonders when we love in His love, i experience so much more of His amazing grace! i cannot even begin to list out the number of breakthroughs and convictions that i've build up while serving others.

**

something also struck me over the week about my Mission.

i don't exist to force upon anyone my values and beliefs.

i don't exist with the deluded notion that i am the life transformer.

i don't exist as the regimental Pharisee, seeing myself as more righteous than anyone else (because we are all sinners anyway).

i exist, to be used by Him.

i exist, to show the world what it means to be loved by Jesus.

i exist, to bring out God's best in people.

that joy, unspeakable joy and that heart stop whenever the person at the receiving end reaches a revelation about something that could potentially be the first step towards a deeper relationship with God. it excites me so much to see people take steps towards God's Kingdom, and to see people understand more of the great great love from our God.

this is how i've decided to place importance in my life - 

Jesus

People

Me

hurray!

oh, and one more thing. i played hide and seek with jinbao today during lunch, and didn't feel silly that i was hiding behind chairs, almost crawling on my fours and popping out from random places. i think that God might just be growing my heart for tiny people.

and i could go on and on about what He has spoken to me through prayer, but the lack of structure and long-windness in long posts is making me a little uncomfortable. next time! 

i've somersby in the fridge right now. mm :)