Happy Birthday my Love

my love, who charms.

Hisaishi on loop while thinking about my love on this 1st day of his 28th year on earth.

I am here, in Singapore, and he, in China till Friday. 

My heart sings on recollection of what we've been brought through these past few years. That fate should have it that our paths crossed in such a serendipitous manner- a silent clicking of hearts. What came after was a slow and pensive, rather painful, yet transient summer, and feelings laid dormant for many more summers before we finally tore down those walls to know each other more.

Getting to know him has been like listening to my favourite Hisaishi piece. On first listen, you get hooked. You play it on loop a good thousand times till you know the melody by heart. But yet, when you revisit it, you always notice something new in that same recording - a crescendo here, a diminuendo there. Eventually, you know the whole arrangement by heart. You can predict what comes next and the mere thought of it sounds boring but given the premise that you actually love the song, knowing what comes next is extremely comforting, and even exciting because the sheer complexity of such genius arrangement makes it never grow old.

My love is an ageless Joe Hisaishi composition:

Can't wait to be in his arms again. 

Baby Bro :)

My mom sent me this video this morning for uh, entertainment on my train ride to work. 

Pretty nostalgic watching this because he had practised really hard for this some National Chinese Music Competition. The night before he had only an oversized formal shirt, and I had helped him alter it. Went to watch him like a proud mama. He didn't win, but still did in my heart!

7 years on and twice as buff, I think he's still pretty cool like that, albeit with rusty erhu skills.

for want of a field day on a supposed field day

Today felt like one of those "throw in the towel" days.

When work went haywire, and crept into my personal life. My set apart time with God. The few times I had to set my phone on normal to reply people and emails to ready a launch that was delayed for the day. Snuck in to church at 6.30pm, occupied throughout dinner with messages and calls, checking my phone every now and then on the way home with Han Yang. All these while still running on adrenaline (no sleep on thursday night with extremely unproductive report writing, i even went out for a jog after finishing the report at 5.30am).

Adrenaline's about to run out, and I am cranky.

It led me to think about the nights I nodded off with the lights on, the times I had had to cancel/ postpone a meet up for the sake of rushing a report, the number of pimples I've seen pop out due to stress/ no exercise/ bad sleeping habits.

I'm overwhelmed by an avalanche of work-related things that still need to be settled lest it piles on me when I get back to office on Monday.

Drawing close to the source tonight - I need you Lord, more than ever.


***
I once was a carefree hipster, doing whatever that interested and pleased, changing hobbies every other day and going around school in my tees and boxers, tying hammocks and reading in them. Now, as an adult with responsibilities (ahem), I struggle with the great disparity in the heaviness of  the work when measured against personal life- but still I find comfort in knowing that things are in control with His Almighty.

I guess, I'd rather do things with You. And Han Yang, who keeps me grounded and cheery just by being himself.

Taste so impeccable

Since young, my dad had set his eyes on grooming us to love chinese culture. Because of his great love for the culture, he did things like send us to chinese schools, enrol in chinese music classes/ make us join chinese orchestra as a CCA, teach us chinese calligraphy, bring us to china on holidays, etc. Long ago, he even rejected an offer to be posted to Australia for work cos he didn't want us to become bananas lol.

Nevertheless, I don't think all of us turned out particularly in tuned to Chinese culture. He did managed to convince me though - I ended up continuing orchestra till university on my own accord. I also listen to chinese classical music, watch chinese history films, think that cheongsums are the prettiest things and take to oriental stuff a lot. 

Anyway, whenever my dad goes to China for work (which he has been going pretty often in the past few years) he always makes it a point to get us gifts. This is a collection of what I've received so far, and I must say, he is pretty good taste in getting us useful and quite pretty stuff:

From extreme left, this was the first gift he ever bought for me. I don't know what made him decide that I liked pandas, or soft toys (which I do)! I gave it to my brother cos he had better appreciation of pandas (he likes panda stuff lol).

To the right, it is a jade bangle that he bought for my mum, but she didn't like it cos she thinks only grandmas wear them. So I took it for myself. Haha, banished to the rungs of grandma fashion ^^

Then below, there is my name stamp on another trip. I used to have one long ago which he would use to chop our textbooks, but we misplaced it. :(

Then there is the wooden comb. I love it that it is so hardy and natural, and use it all the time.

Above it, is a pocket mirror! it's made up of acrylic I think, and is very handy and pretty

Above it, is a box which is supposed to contain a ring, but I misplaced it. A green ring that looks like that:

Not the usual kind of rings that I would get/ wear, but just because he looked so excited when he gifted it to me and was happy when I said I would wear it.

Top, an umbrella that he got on his most recent trip! He got another for my sis and I some time back, that I termed as the ugliest umbrella ever (cos it was metallic blue with glitter) but I loved it all the same. I left it at a church during a wedding and haven't gone back to collect it yet!

And lastly, a calligraphy practice set! It is very useful cos you can just use water as ink, and it appears on the special cloth as black ink, and disappears after a while. I've been using it for some time now. 

<3

EDIT: One more thing that proves that papa is telepathic.

I have an insane love for jimmy liao's illustrations! He illustrated the most poignant and romantic book "向左走，向右走" which was made into a film. Since secondary school, I have been collecting many of his books, but I only buy them when I'm in China (cos it's 15RMB (S$3-4) a book vs S$27 if you get it at any local book stores). This time round, papa bought one of his books for me! But a pity, because I already have a mini version. :p

Age like wine

The kind of Love that blossoms and sustains is..

the kind that one is able to still see beauty and enjoy life in the present without needing the beloved to be physically there all the time.

But..

In every chance one gets to reflect upon a fond memory, a beautiful sight, or even a sad one, he/she pauses, and think how wonderful it would be if the beloved were there to share the moment as well.

---

And my beloved is back! Am excited to hear stories.

Why I serve

I started volunteering regularly with the YMCA before starting Uni. I was doing a little relief teaching before starting school, but other than that I was extremely free and wanted to spend my time more meaningfully.

Had been following a friend's LJ about her experiences with volunteering and I decided to join them for YCamp - a bi/tri annual camp by the YMCA for the intellectually and physically disabled adults. It was a 3 day camp that exposed us to things like high elements and the usual camp games, aimed to let these adults step out of their comfort zone to learn life skills and values. Other than the friendships and the privilege to learn from them, I went away from that camp with a renewed sense of perspective about life. All my life, I had just been cruising along and just leading life as it was presented on a platter. I was exposed to current affairs and social issues in school, but it never hit me that these were tangible and real. My own life and worries were larger than these things, but in that July of 2007, it hit me that there were things beyond myself that I wanted to be a part of.

It was just the beginning of my purpose awakening, but it was a tough struggle.

I continued volunteering weekly with the YMCA, did an internship with them, planned many camps, etc. There were times I felt dry, especially when I was overwhelmed by my own personal problems and busyness at school. I struggled, because as someone in a constant reflective flux, I also started to question my own intentions. Am I just doing all that I am doing to fulfil my own (selfish) desires of self-actualisation, making myself feel better as I volunteer with people less fortunate than I am because I sympathise and pity them? In seeking the answer to this question, I even went on an internship to India, learnt much about education, travelled the whole of South East Asia, meeting new friends along the way. I couldn't close this gap, growing even more disillusioned with life. Just as I thought I had found a purpose, I couldn't accept how at the end of the day, I was doing this for my own benefit.

----

At the end of 2010, I met God when I was reading a book called "Changing the World Through Kindness". In that book, I found out that people who knew God didn't love or help people out of sympathy or pity, they did so because in knowing God's love, they couldn't help it but overflow with God's love. Think of them as empty vessels, and God filling them up with lots and lots of His love, and these people were so joyful to be in God's presence that they bled and overflowed with His love.

God's love is not one born out of pity, it is one born out of love of His sons and daughters. The closest relationship is the one our parents share with us. And when Jesus came down to earth as His son, He showed us how to love each other as brothers and sisters.

After realising that God wasn't some weird, mysterious and judgmental creature, I really wanted to experience it for myself. I decided to break down the walls that I had against Christianity (there were many) and decided to acknowledge Him.

The journey's been bumpy, but it's the most favourite journey of my life to date. No longer is there no light at the end of the dark tunnel, but I grew to see Him in all situations in my life, be it good or bad. He shows Himself us in the most divine ways and guides me in so many things in life- values, choices, even planting me in places where He knows people need and long for Him. 

----

So the answer to why I serve?

Firstly, I serve because I'm driven by His love, having experienced it myself.

Secondly, I serve because I know He loves people. No matter who we are, whether we know Him or not, whether we have ever done bad or unforgivable things, it doesn't change the fact that He loves every single person in this world. In this, He gives me His heart for people by speaking to me about their situations in life. In this understanding, He also guides me in what in do.

How, in such circumstances, do I withhold and keep this great Love to myself?

I simply can't, but be His humble servant.

forgiveness

It's easy to become parched. Work for 10-12 hour days, weeks on end. Spend more than 2 hours packed like sardines on the train everyday. Crash when you get home, with work nagging at the back of your mind.

That's my life right now.

Just as an exercise of self-reflection, I put my 22 year old self into the situation I am in right now- the self that had yet to know God.

I think I would probably have spiralled into depression at the aimlessness of life.

-----

But even after knowing God, it's still a struggle when life overtakes you.

It's easy to lose focus. 

We all need something to get us through days, even as we may have a bigger picture in mind. For me, I know the reason why God put me at my workplace.

But when I started to spend less time with Him, I also started to derive satisfaction from cheap substitutes throughout the day. Not only that, I became more impatient, and lost my sense of empathy. My mind/second nature probed me to help, but my senses were numb; compassion lost. 

It's been a while now.

On thursday night, I just felt lousy.

As I made the decision to spend some time to worship him, this song came on, and the verses mirrored completely my thoughts/emotions. 

When it got to the chorus, I cried a puddle of tears as I got down on my knees, and repented for being steeped in my own desires, for letting Him down. 

And I ask you

How many times will you pick me up

When I keep on letting you down

And each time I will fall short of your glory

How far will forgiveness abound?

And You answer, “My child, I love you
And as long as you’re seeking My face
You’ll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace.”

Your kindness leads me to repentance.

Just eternally thankful that I've an Almighty Father who sees me not for the things that I do, but who I am to Him - His daughter.