Jieee-ry

israel-bound this april.

happy birthday to the most beautiful and sweetest sis!

hello! goodbye!

our office sits along a long corridor of other offices. being part of a rather new office building, we get many door-to-door salesmen selling b2b products- printer cartridges, filtered water, printing services, office connections, company insurance, even cleaning services.

these random people beep our doorbell, and around the office there will be "are we expecting someone" glances exchanged because we frequently get people coming in for interviews/meetings. and then the whole office goes quiet when someone is at the door, listening in on silly conversations that take place between the person who responds to the doorbell, half-guessing what kinda products they are selling. most of the time we just mention that the person-in-charge is not around. there was an epic time, while having our weekly monday meeting, that the doorbell rang twice within 30 minutes. upon the second beep, there were instantaneous "HAIYAH!", tsks and sounds of irritation expressed, to which gathered a "i pressed on the wrong doorbell" response. the most unfriendly office in the block. haha.

since then, i've realised that the best way of dealing with these salesmen is not to express irritation (of which, wouldn't be very nice, adding on to their many rude door-to-door experiences), or to act really friendly (wasting my time and theirs too), but to

1) pretend to be really stupid and ignorant
2) go out of point
3) pretend that you're just an office minion

at which ever point would garner enough frustration from opposite party to not want to converse with you because they are so tired anyway, and ease them into a comparatively gradual pathway of rejection.

*example:

ding dong! 

(walk over to the door hugging a pillow/blanket draped over your shoulders, as if you just woke up from a nap.) 

2 salesmen: hello! hello! can i have abit of your time? (cue huge cheesy scientology grins) 

you: harloww!!! orh okay, sure!!!

salesman A: we are from a company that deals with talent retention. just wondering whether i could speak to your HR in-charge? 

you: oh unfortunately i don't think she's around (shifty eye, because your HR in-charge is right at the desk sms-ing) 

salesmen A: (with salesman B smiling creepily beside) oh! it's ok! may i know whether your company has any policies to retain its talents?  

you: (eyes brighten, perk up now) oh yes we do! we hold sports days regularly, and we have sandwich days every fortnightly. not only that, we hang out and spend alot of time together, and we are just like a small, cosy, happy family. (grin happily, and hug pillow tighter) 

both salesmen give each other the wtheck expression. 

salesman B: uh interesting. uh what i meant was, do you know whether your company has any insurance, for example, staff or medical benefits? 

you: oh, oh! that was what you meant! (laughs heartily) hahaha. but i think we have! i think we bought the one in which, in the event that i die, my company would be compensated for their loss in potential revenue. 

salesman B: (at this point, realising that it is abit pointless to carry on the conversation) oh. hur. may i know whether there is any one that i could speak to in your company regarding talent retention schemes? 

you: oh! sure! haha, here you go (grabs an old name card, in which the particulars are handwritten). you can speak to big boss. :p bye!

*true story

ok. not very funny. but one of our several sources of amusement in ulu ubi.

those candlesticks of compassion

les mis!

why didn't i get this as a lit text back in school!

the only way i could truly appreciate the wondrousness of an epic film- to sit upon it for several days after, watch enough director/actor interviews and behind the scenes, listen to the soundtrack and youtube the covers, read up about its historical references, dissect the scenes and analyse the clever use of metaphors and random other intricacies.

and then fall further in love.

i think what intrigues me about it, other than the music, history, war elements (i'm psychotically nuts about war films), cinematography, good looking cast, is the theme of how transcendental the nature of love is. that we could all be a 24601, dangerous to the cause of the devil, dangerous to the self-righteous pharisees of our generation in turning them back to understanding the true nature of God.

Who am i?

such a powerful song of struggle of the thoughts within a man labelled criminal by the clumsy judicial system, who chose God, received the blessings and fruits of walking the righteous path, yet backlashed by the chains of the past.

Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than an alibi
**
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey onnnnnnnnn.. 

at this point, it is the musical AND cinematic (because it is that epiphanic moment of God discovery) climax and you're hit by double awe and just wanna faint at how they've managed to hit home so fast. 

i can't began to describe the dimension of depth of emotion added to the a line when it is sung. some thing about singing in the same tune that unites the characters, even though years apart. love that strategic rendition of i dreamed a dream repeated throughout the whole film, lending to thematic juxtaposition which is just all too powerful.

and then more.
sweet eponine's unrequited love, yet choosing to give up all of herself up for the man she loved at the expense of her own life
the valor of the men who fought for the revolution
jean's love for her daughter which compelled him to save marius (dragging him through that absolutely freaky gross man hole)

feel like how ever i describe it isn't gonna bring up that well of emotions within me and the depth to which it connects, so i'm just gonna fade away.
but Broadway, i'll be back sooner than you could have imagined.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

it's funny how i always thought i didn't need to relate to the satire of kundera, and then last weekend happened, of how initial sweet reverences of thought that lingered after every last word of a sentence, turned cheapened inelegance when fears choke up those words that you want but are afraid of being spoken or misunderstood to a woodblock with occasional expressions of incredulity. the fear of perceived connection all these while, the brushes with realisation of insanity and delusion- it's a powerful awakening.

lately all my entries have been seasoned with bleak. like whirling in the wilderness of a hurricane, spinning around in thoughts of my own, the ones that others throw my way- some with absolute disdain, some because they understand, some for the lack of (but at the end of the day, all out of love). and as i reach a point of saturation in the thoughts of others, i am making my way back to my heart, and aligning them with God. it's nice to know who to go back to. hopefully, in between disconnected dusks and dawns, that soon i will reach the eye of the hurricane.

***

i've realised, over the week, that 

mortality of simplicity in life is a choice

fresh perspectives catalyse healing

i really like popcorn chicken with ketchup

also, soggy curry fries. (ewf!)
salty salty stuff

today i am here to say

the weekend is here!

hurray!

the cold beckons for more time on my pillow
but what i really need now is a plunge into cold waters,

the feeling of
control

solitude 

lightness of matter that the soul fills

and the potential to be filled once again

***

<random>

last night was awesome.

here's a picture with a soulmate

 i love how when i'm around her, 

sentences complete themselves.
i could lose myself in her selflessness 

and insanity loses its in.
oh. sweet thoughts.
</random>

***

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

i hated those limpy orange and blue locks, the unattractive male and female leads, how dirty and unromantic they made boston out to be, the irrelevance and weirdness of how i could never find something in that film to relate to my own life.

but suddenly, rewinding the cassette tape of grey matter, and saying hello again in a different time space way doesn't seem all that disdainful anymore.

what i would like to know is
was it just the play of events
the spark in foreign space
the prolonged pondering in drought
imagination of perceived connection
that fueled such intensity?

or had we met in any other way less romantic
that we could have merely just turned out as superficial friends?

so this morning,
Nietzsche claims (and perhaps the only 2 claims of his i would hold claim to),

there is always some madness in love. 
but there is also always some reason in madness.

and in all reason of being which most would ill find disagreement,

without music, life would be a mistake.

it's time to make some!

where are the wells of which thoughts flow from?

i don't know why i'm awake, but i am.
my eyes are crying out for cucumbers.

in the midst of pulling together some thoughts about the year that has just passed. and of course, working out the mandatory new year resolutions.

it's been a year of self-mining- looking deep within, examining motives and motivations and desires and convictions and self-interests.

not selfish, but definitely self-centred. but might i say that because it couldn't get rawer than this, coming clean and honest before God, that this introspection was a way of distilling the self, and the only way that i could move on from all those hurts in my life that had me building habits and strange thought processes that prevented me from being fully yielded in His purpose.

i don't know the deep waters this will bring me into
i don't know how i could piece them together into a coherent portrait and fit them into this 24th year of existence

but i do know, that what ever that took place in 2012 will mark a pivotal point in the way life will move forward from now on.

i hear the early bird call, and my heart sinks into the dawn of the day.

ephesians 4:22-24

only from finding strength in the Lord, do we have the courage to take that first step. when that happens, the angels in heaven rejoice.
but what i realised is this-

it is only then that the true spiritual warfare begins, the battle of what goes on within the head, the thoughts that seed doubts and cause regret.

some of us are particularly susceptible to this.

but that cannot be the case, because stumbling now is like going out onto the battlefield, forgetting your sword, shield and warcry, and then putting the blame on the General for sending you onto the battlefield unarmed. it causes us to lose faith, when what we don't realise is that this mustard seed of faith needs to be accompanied with the disciplines to grow this seed of faith.

so i'm gonna listen to Your every single command.
depending on You, Father.
depending ever so dangerously on You.

time to stop those self indulgently piteous night bawls and start praying and reading the Bible.