And between now and then.

My last dated entry (28 September) till now, it's been almost 2 months. I'm at lost as to where to start. The gist of it, probably the eventful ones that sparked off some sort of spiritual hunger/re-evaluation/prayer within me.

1) STM happened
2) Han Yang left for overseas for a month
3) Busy period/loads of major refocusing at work
4) Gong gong got hospitalised for a pretty major operation

I think when you squish all 4 events together it is a pretty major disruption to my life, cos it constitutes just about all aspects of my life- ministry, love, work and family. (Haha, okay am glad friends remained the constant, not that we met up often these 2 months!)

1) STM: Ended up in Suzhou. Definitely a trip that I saw God's hand at and saw His love for the people of China. It's just amazing being part of the experience of Paul's prayer for the Ephesians. At the same time, a personal transformation within me as I reflect, on hindsight, how God has grown my heart to realise the importance of the Great Commission and how I really want to be a part of it as well. Have decided to share this all in prose.

2) Absence: I think the STM trip was definitely a great way that HY and I got to understand more of one another (perspectives about doing missions, how we serve, the way we work through disagreements and misunderstandings.) And then of course, the one month apart which I felt was a good time to re-evaluate things between us. (Though, I do think that other than being physically apart and thus having a new physical space was good for him to pluck himself out of the busyness to think more/experience more of God, that we still continued doing our weekly catchups and all which was nice. So it wasn't really so much of less facetime that fueled these new insights but a different physical space. New perspectives are yey!) But, yes, I really did kinda miss seeing his funny face weekly. Haha.

3) Work: Crazy month of training (which made me stop to think whether I can persist with such a lifestyle, and it wasn't even half of how much Jo probably feels heading most of the programmes.) But aye, when something fuels and energises you mentally, but yet drains you physically, what does one do? Anyway, refocusing the business to technology next year. I'm in the midst of praying through this one.

4) Gong gong: His health hasn't been tiptop of late, which sent family into a frenzy. I'm pretty emotionally attached to gong gong, went back 2 times to visit him. Both trips left me emotionally exhausted, cried loads of tears while praying for him. Spent 2 nights at the hospital and I think we grew closer through that experience, of just sitting beside him, talking, moving him into comfortable positions on bed up, turning him once every 2 hours, feeding him water every hour, calling on the nurse whenever something beeped (and my mom is indeed a superwoman cus she has been taking care of him for the past month). I'm well aware that God's been nudging me to share the gospel with him (even to the extent of preparing me linguistically by plonking me in Suzhou for 5 days), and there have been opportunities where we talk about grandma, the fragility of life and his worries where I know this is where I should come in with a Bible verse, or begin to explain who Jesus is, but I just don't know how to start. urh. I guess I'm grateful that he allows me to pray for him (he teared when I last prayed for him, I know God is doing something in his heart.). Small steps but I gotta be less fearful!

Have decided, in this month leading up to Christmas, to do a fast and extended time of prayer for these 4 aspects (That, and friends too). Wanna hear more from him, ultimately as I realise more and more how everything fits into the bigger picture of pleasing and glorifying Him.

(Check out this space more often, I want to share more about this period of fast and extended prayer too.)

Heart of Worship

keeping check on this exploration with Han Yang. i think the one thing i truly desire, is to steer us in the direction of a respectful and God-led friendship. there are times where i ask myself whether i should be sharing certain things- is it the right time to share, is it my own desires speaking that lead us into premature emotional intimacy, or will it lead to the breaking down of lies from years of unspoken assumptions and unasked questions, threshing through walls between us that, on the contrary, draws us closer to Him. or, perhaps it is just a fear of being vulnerable and powerless that i withhold what could potentially cause a breakthrough. it's a fine line, but i am learning to tread it. loving right is always a tricky pursuit.

and in the midst of these prayers to depend fully on Him (because my heart is truly deceitful and weak), that we talk more, pray more, inspire more, serve more, grow more, commit more to building His church.

i've learnt that commitment really isn't just all about setting aside time to serve, it is living in the presence of the spirit and hosting this presence for others. and it is clear- i want my life to be all about that.

all of it. through mountain highs and valley lows.

be still

"Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it.  

God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace."

and the best human relationships are the ones grounded in God's love, mercy and grace. praying always to speak truth in love.

the upside down kingdom.

"the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."  

Proverbs 9:10

why fear, why must fear rule us when we see the Lord? why not love? isn't love a better word to describe how a relationship motivated by love is the kind of love that grows you? so i've realised the hebrew word for fear, yirah (יִראָה) has 2 meanings. one of which- fear, dread as it is. and the other- reverence, awe, respect.

why then, is it important to not just love the Lord, but also fear Him? because love alone does not imply respect. love alone could move the mountains, but it may not cause one to procure wisdom. just like how God could love us but not need to obey us, one could love another but choose not to obey. 

in this proverb, i assume that love for the Lord is already a given. then this addition of fear- a deep reverential fear for Him, will cause one to obey, to bow down before the heavens in humility for the Holy Spirit to take over. all of him.

i want to fear the Lord.

the winged ox

just finished the book of luke. jesus is a lot more controversial in the bigger scheme of things than i've imagined (all along, i've only been ploughing through specific chapters/verses during sermons and quiet time, never a book through a span of 4 days). i mean, i've read the book of luke, but not in this way, ever.

consistency. that was what struck me the most of jesus' actions. how much it would have taken someone, as He went about teaching, healing the sick, casting out demons and taking on the teachers of the law and the pharisees. he wasn't mollycuddled and affirmed like how we are today with 32% of the rest of the population of the world backing us up. he was plotted against, accused, betrayed time and again. at the end of the day, the son of God, our almighty, could be tempted to waver. but he chose not to, despite most of his life being defined by rejection.

yes, so faith is a choice. it is a choice to die to myself daily, to take up the cross. i know at the heart of it all, why i make this choice. but yesterday's sermon had me wondering about how much i'm willing to die to myself to fulfill His cause.

(call me lazy, but i'm jumping right into the book of Acts! hehe)

a hole in the heart, made whole.

a gnawing hunger. one that rises up from my left chest, residing just beneath my skin. i want to know you, God. verbatim. i've never experienced something like that. the yearning of daily conversation with You. the heart beats, faster and faster when i find out another facet of Your goodness and mercy. remember that struggle months back, where i couldn't for the life of me find a heart conviction for that mind conviction? when i found the key to that heart conviction and unlocked it with prayer, little did i know what God would bring me through on this journey. of greater self knowledge, of breaking lies, of seeing light.

somewhere along the way, i've found that blueprint of God's design for me. of self acceptance instead of self condemnation. so it's been done, Hui Xin.

it is the start of feeding on manna, it is the start of doing and being. i was dead but now i live.

Psalm 95:1

14 years ago i had a love affair with a particular music instrument while peering over its huge black body. i was so in love that i got my mom to sign me up for classes. it was rather short lived (all of 4 months), because i got tired of playing scales and doing theory. i didn't care for playing silent nights and silly Grade 1 score sheets; i wanted to break out of that beginner's lameness. fast forward 4 years later, i got a good friend of mine to teach me chords during recess and after school. we only managed in C major, and from there, i started playing everything in C major. anything and every song that could fit into C major i did. emo i was, playing songs from uh F4, uh westlife, uh S Club 7, etc.

then the inability to play in other majors or do any form of chord progression hit me and made me really bored. so mom sold the white elephant away. i mourned over its departure for abit, and decided to go back to good ol' trusty guitar.

a few months back, i got pretty excited after fooling around with the keyboard on garageband, and figured out how to do chords in different majors. and to add on i think i was rather inspired by a particular mr lau's playing. so, thus began my search for the perfect piano to rekindle my love affair. to cut the grandmother story short,

this sexy P70 baby now sits next to me.

actually he's been sitting around for quite a few months now. i finally got around to recording something. surprisingly on the 3rd take! the slightly banshee-sounding harmonies are blessings from God after a quarter of serving in the worship team. so cool how they come pretty naturally. i love you God! :)

Some things, you lose to gain

Luke 22:42 - "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." 

i believe on the day we accept the Lord and so occurred to us the presence of light and darkness, we were probably marked on Satan's blacklist. i've been tracing back on my past, and it has hit me, that it really was right about the time i accepted God, 10 years ago, that i started to let go of my own will to let the tirades of life push/pull me along.

perhaps i belong to the odd minority of humanity, for my will was not that i wanted things my way, but that i recognised that i had a will but couldn't be bothered to take control of it. the greatest lie probably ever told to me was that i could lose control of what was happening to me, and let my life be controlled by fate. or possibly that divinity would look after me. or possibly that being anti-establishment was the easy way out of not desiring achievements in life.

so as much as i had let passivity gotten the better of me, it turns out that divinity did see me through these years. the point of turning back to God saw a confluence of many reasons, one of which, was recognising that the only reason i had managed to pull through life since drawing away from Him, given minimal effort on my part, that it was high time i acknowledged His blessings and stop being an ingrate.

God helps those who can't help themselves.
God helps those who can help themselves.
God helps those who can't be bothered to help themselves. (guilty as charged)

the idea here is this -
given how selfish we all are, God loves us all the same anyway. so much that He gave us the freedom of choice hoping that one day we would come to yield to Him when we start loving Him too. all these under the wings of His protection.

the question now is -
do i wanna continue shortchanging Him by just scraping through life, yearning for these cheap thrills of blessings, without first willing myself to put my all in what i do?

first, break me out of the mindset that anything that requires discomfort is beneath my mediocre, carefree life.

so done with this part of me.

Endless light

it's been 4 days since popo passed on.
there are mornings i sit in bed praying
wondering where she is
could i have done anything differently
there are nights that i'm awakened by gong gong
standing over her. breaks my heart.

i know Your ways are higher than our ways.
i continue to pray for popo to rest in peace.

john 4:14

my one fear in life, is that I do not do the things I do with the root of a heart conviction. to me, a mind conviction is a flow of logical thought processes that i was trained and conditioned to make choices in life. that of which the world teaches us to do.

mind convictions worked in my life for the short term. a project or a major exam, i could put in my 100% and saw through them. they never worked for long term commitments like random CCAs, being consistent in my school work, interests. on the contrary, the only heart convictions i've seen through is my commitment to follow God and music.

which was why when i was repeatedly brought to question the consistency of my spiritual habits, i actually did know what the right thing to do was. which was of course,

more prayer + bible study → know God's character more → make Godly decisions in line with His Kingdom

uh, yeahhhh.
today i realised how much of a silly i am.

i'm not just reading about a God to know Him more.
i'm meeting Him, i am talking to Him, i am listening to Him.

who am i to confess that He is Lord and that i love Him and am in a relationship with Him when i don't even take the effort to meet and talk and listen to Him? if i could make it a point to meet my family and friends because i love and care for them, then what more God, whom i've chosen to follow?

this is my heart conviction:
prayer + bible study → meet and talk to God, the love of my life → understand His ways and His character more → love Him even more → wanna serve Him and His people even more


i confess that i love God above all,
but my actions thus far have shown otherwise.