spent all my change

what siblings do when they get bored of talking/watching tv.

heh, more of such days please.
(pardon the ratty t-shirt with paint splotches.)

Acts 16:31

one and

"with friends, if you keep making an effort to reach out and you keep getting hurt, you eventually stop trying. but it's much harder to give up on family. somewhere deep down you want it to work so badly that you keep making the same mistake over and over again."  

tori spelling

put on that armour of God; i am ready to battle!

a two, and a cheeeeese :)

Epiphamily

what remapped the course of my year, and possibly, life.

one year ago, i received this emailer. my default would have been to mass delete my mess of an inbox. but strangely, i felt i had to go for it. so for the first time in my 5 years of school, i turned up at an extra curricular event.

to cut the long story short,

i met jo there. she linked me up with 'a friend of hers, who is madly passionate about changing education'. so i met up with terence, who was venturing into 'education technology' (yawn). but somehow, through that conversation, there was an alignment of ideals and dreams for the same purpose. it didn't take much for me to decide to plunge into it. in my words, it just 'felt right'. 

and yes. one year on, i am still at Epiphany Education.

and i am still as idealistic about changing the trajectory of the education landscape in Singapore. i guess you'd reckon that i have possibly either gone mad, or am pretty damn sure about this education deal.

between then till now, what has changed?

there have been days that i've been convinced that it's not gonna work out. it's like being brought on a roller coaster ride, and getting strung along without knowing where you're headed off to next. 1.5 months into this venture, i really wanted to drop out of it. i couldn't see how we could come in to help education, my family was going through a tough patch, i didn't want to spend so much of my time at work, my personal finances weren't good. but deep down inside i knew that it was that fear to commit, that fear to give up other aspects of my life, that fear that i had to work too much and too hard. excuses, excuses. at the crux of it, i wanted to know whether God had a plan for me in this. 

i went into a meeting with terence with 80% of me wanting to back out of it.

but somehow i couldn't find any compelling reason but 'fear' that was driving me to leave. i had already wanted to quit without even trying. it was just like every other thing in my life that i had signed up for.

it was a time that i grew in my faith and reassurance in the Lord. stop looking for signs when the truth is rooted in prayer and my Word. seek for answers in me and no one else. that was then that i knew God was going to grow me, and the whole process wasn't gonna be comfortable at all.

but things got better at home. it was a matter of being intentional. finances fell into place. at work, i struggled to define my job scope, doing things here and there with little efficiency. i was a bum who always thought there were other more meaningful things to focus on in life than work. but i realise now, that i had been too fearful to fall. there are still things that i know are eternal compared to what i'm striving towards at work, but i have learnt to strike a balance.

it has only been of late that we've started to build processes to improve efficiency and focus on delivering. a year back, i would never have imagined that i'd be running a company. to be honest, it would have been much simpler if i were to just be taking instructions from someone. but i guess this is where i am getting moulded all the time. 

when the going gets tough, i get reminded that that is when the tough gets going, and i am always encouraged by the things that the Lord puts in place for me so that i can concentrate on doing work right. these opportunities and potential tie-ups with companies, the favourable feedback when we talk to people, the groundwork that drives us to work towards our goals, the amazing colleagues that i work with, the great mix of work and fun that we have during office and off-office hours.

just 4 nights back, we had reunion dinner, and 8 of us, stuffed silly in a car and cracking weird jokes. just 2 nights back, i ended work at 1030pm, half dead from the late nights that i had been having. but yet despite all these, i know that 

our values begin right.

monday meetings epitomise how we attempt to walk the talk. even though they are constantly punctuated with poor attempts at jokes, sharings remind me how blessed i'm to be part of a company that wants not only to deliver a product, but a value to the world.

a perfect example of how conversations unfold in the office

one year on, and i can't wait to grow this further. i know, there will still be late nights, there will still be more sunday nights of feeling this dread of waking up early on monday mornings, but i know what i'm building, and i know when His hand is guiding me, all i need to do is to give my best.

xmas' 12. heh. actually only 3 of us here still work at Epiphany.

one year on, it can only get more awesome from here!

Dry bones will live.

he gripped like a vice, what held in his hand what she knew could come between that silver between life and death of the people whom she couldn't live without. come between them and risk her life, or stand by helpless. they begged her to stay away, but all of her knew was that she would have lived to regret it.

at 16, fear had never seemed so real. 

a huge part of her died that night. as she closed the door behind her and slid her back against it, sobbing uncontrollably, she realised that she neither hated the world nor herself enough to end her part in it. but she could no longer be a part of the lie in this amazingly artificial world that people worked towards- achievements, power, money. did that even matter when she had come so close to losing the ones she truly loved?

she lived to proclaim herself strong, but that part of her within her remained dead. her fears, impartialness towards everything in life, lack of commitment, lack of interest to achieve - all stemmed from knowing that everything in life was transient anyway.

-----------

fast forward.

following the powerful prayer and cry of salvation, and sharing the moment with the one who shared that night, we sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. i believe that afternoon, bondages were broken; with the Lord, dry bones were revived.

ready to live my life without all these chains binding my feet.

-----------

just a while back when i was going through a period of not being able to let go and let God, all i could do was to talk to friends and more friends as they threw ideas back and forth. it was good having new perspectives, and one stood out in particular. 

Hui Xin, what are your dreams for God? 

i mean, i know you want to serve Him. we all do. but where do you see yourself in His Kingdom in the next 5 years? 10 years? set your sights ahead, and God will grow you to fulfill these dreams.

well, am i just going to get by life, running an aimless race with no real end in mind other than to share the gospel to the few people who happen to cross my way in life?

or am i gonna be strategic about setting my sight on the goal of doing His will for me, to grow my heart for the burdens that He has placed within me through all these experiences in my life, to pray dangerously to have them come to know God?

i think i just might have a clue.

-----------

wind blown whispers
wind naked down the corridor
the thoughts leaving my head
they twist through yours

Mission

the more i depend on the Lord for guidance through prayer, the more every thing is making sense to me right now.

i'm excited. more in a bit!

philippians 4:7

we are the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)

but still, there are many kinds of churches in this world.

be it a sunday social club, one embroiled in civil conflict, one too comfortable to truly call themselves disciples of Christ, to the ones who do everything to condemn but fall short of loving, which essentially undermines Jesus’s 33 years on Earth.

i've been thinking.


what is a model of the church that can sustain a group of believers who come together, with no other purpose than to give our lives up for God? because the race is one that can only be run by long distance runners who train themselves up for it, and i believe that the church’s vision should be about growing believers strong in the Word and led by the Spirit.

and that itself, leads us to this-

sustainability of this vision lies in the relationship between the family and the church.

1. the church builds a strong foundation of disciples who understand God’s purpose, and are led into obeying Him for His purposes.
2. a family centered in God, one with a single purpose to put God above all else – differences in personalities, petty conflicts, or even other seemingly purposeful pursuits but not within what He has called them out to do.
3. parents assume responsibility of discipling their children (and not fling this responsibility to the church, because our core responsibility as Christ followers is to support the church. not the other way around.)
4. in doing so, they serve together, and differences and other little problems are either handled by God, or pale in comparison when juxtoposed with the great work that they’ve been called out to do.
5. children, in receiving that Christ-centered love from parents, and knowing their priorities, grow in faith, receive the responsibility of discipling others in the church.
6. the church forms a self-sustaining model, where we build up strong families and strong disciples of Christ.

i know this, because i know the struggle i have right now, between serving more, but yet knowing that i also want to do so much more in my family by spending more time with them, to bring them to Christ. honestly, i know that i could better trust God with this aspect, by surrendering fully to His purpose, and knowing that the salvation in which He has promised will come. after all, He granted me my sister's salvation at the time where prayer seemed meaningless, renewed my strength in Him through this whole process.

but yet, there is always a nagging desire to want my entire family saved.

i so, so want my family to experience that love of God, to grow together in love, God's love. something i read a couple of days back, about the toughest mission field. this particularly stood out to me:

I loved my friends and family, but I didn't like the way my old self seemed to re-emerge when I was around them.

(so true.
 there are spiritual bondages that need to be broken.)

how i yearn for this familial support in being God’s ministers.

and i will continue to pray fervently for the salvation of my loved ones.

and i know now, the kind of family that i want to build up in the future.

a one that Francis and Lisa Chan speaks of.

"being focused on the mission is actually what brings your family together.
otherwise it's like saying: i really wanna get into shape so i can go jogging.
actually if you just jog, you will get into shape."

i realise, the only way for a breakthrough is to pray. 
pray up a storm, even when i don't want to.
healing, healing, healing in Your power,

because i am starting to see again.

truly thanking God for my dearest sister.

Poetry of the air

Music was my refuge.
I could crawl into the space between the notes
and curl my back to loneliness.
-Maya Angelou

miss those music making orchestra days. it's hard to comprehend why there is such a deep part of my soul that is drawn out when melodies interplay, accompaniments and harmonies marry, music matches the aural, and you know the next note which hangs at the tip of your eardrums.

when i know music isn't merely the science of 

producing a series of sounds.

Over 25 years, i've realised the things which are important to me,

and which i will cling on with my dear life. the love of:

God

Family

Friends

Music

is it just fear that drives me away?