Zelpicness

something that i've realised about us as humans.

that the more we grow towards Christ-likeness, the more reason there is for us to grow in complacency, thereby growing desensitised to God's voice because we think we know it all. and that is precisely what will stop us from growing in the Lord.

because humility is God's character.
but the effect of growth is counter-humility.

so as we strive to attain the person of Jesus and we see breakthroughs, all the more we have to fight that monster of pride which will come attacking at us, snaring its ugly head.

tonight was amazing. 

there could be things that draw me to people. their ability to speak. to carry themselves well. their passion for life. their joyfulness. their ability to speak truths into people's lives. looks (of course, how could we leave that out.).

but ultimately, that could all fall apart.

i am amazed, at the ones who are not just convicted, but the ones who live out God's will.

i am amazed, at the ones who confess to have internal struggles with their own personal life, but yet above all, know that there is a greater battle out there to be fought, and put on that armor of God to fight valiantly for Him. in the process, God heals those internal struggles and sets them free from those bondages of lies and sins.

i am amazed, at the ones who know they get their way around things in life, but never see to using that as a tool of manipulation, but place Godly character above all else.

i am amazed, at the ones who denounce the desires of the human heart to fulfill their want of feeling loved and accepted by humans, but look to God instead to complete their heart- to build up and not to stumble people.

growth in the lord knows no bounds with humility. 

and tonight, i'm amazed by my shepherd.

thank you so much for sharing tonight, for the above is what i've seen you grown into. that woman of so much faith, conviction and humility, some one whom i look up to as my spiritual mentor.

11may2009: could never have imagined that our friendship would grow in such greater measure.

spiritual and soul connection is awesome enough.

but beyond that, our hearts speak for silly things like duck confit, cat socrates, cool movies, all things japan, hot fudge sundaes, there are many more which i can't begin listing if not i might start crying hehe. that's the heart connection.

a whole perfect package of a best friend. my best friend.

happy birthday my friend
here's to all the years we've shared together
all the fun we've had
you're such a blessing
such a joy in my life
may the good Lord bless you
and may all your dreams come true

It's the most wonderful time of the year

i rather like the feeling of the holiday season coming. even though this year's christmas doesn't feel quite as christmasy without the pre-holiday, without the daily bus rides into town, without the caroling practices.

on wednesday, sam and i decided to prepare our rather dead looking (and super messy) office for the festive season by trudging down to a strange part of singapore where flat buildings prevail. it felt a little like when i was living overseas, sans the winter coat. so just standing there post-shopping, one hand with ketchup&mustard laced ikea hotdog buns (yum) and the other hand with hot dilmah tea, talking about how we're glad strange and abnormal people have decided to congregate together at the epiphany office, thereby nullifying the anomalous nature of each of us, but yet still anomalies because we are still odd balls. (but happy to be one!) it felt almost like we weren't in singapore.

a couple of silly things happened again (strange attractors we are to such things):

1. ran like 2 kids screaming for our bus to stop and missed it by a whisker of a millisecond.
2. when asked whether he could inform us when he reached ikea, bus 58 driver laughs, "haha! i also don't know. it's my second day at work.^^"
3. got down 5 stops before we were due; GPS malfunction.
4. got on the same bus again to the amusement of other commuters.
5. the cardboard christmas tree which we wanted to get was sold out (thank God. $29 for fancy green cardboard!)
6. went to Giant to shop for sandwich day with a $50 voucher and intentions of getting real good ingredients for the next day (and wine, if we didn't hit 50!) but ended up with tons of processed food and overshooting our budget
7. paid in coins on the way back home and glanced at the driver. we catch each others' glances and pause for a second, then burst out laughing. his second day at work, working a round shift.
8. he exclaims "wah, enjoy ah!" at which i looked at him incredulously; i'm carrying 384 plastic bags with my spectacles slipping from my nose bridge and looking as though i might collapse any moment.

life is amusing.

soup, sausages, and pastrimi sandwiches on a cold thursday noon. it felt like christmas!

having a month long secret santa by playing secret penpals to find out each other's likes before christmas. we've been confusing each other by dropping candy and messages for everybody.

a post-it christmas tree! we're so cheapo hehe

orchids and heathers.

due to my mom's horticulture obsession of late, i decided to surprise her with this. i surprised myself by standing by the potted plant section for 10 minutes choosing the perfect orchids and having a conversation with sam and myself.

eh, these flowers look pretty, but they look diseased at the stems! (prod here and there.) eh, these are also pretty, but there only 5 flowers. (prod prod) there's 8 for this one, but the flowers not so nice leh. okay, i will get this one.                ..eh no maybe not. sigh,why do the stems look diseased! (prod) sigh! eh, this one abit sengeh. got character. okay, i will get this one.                   ..eh no maybe not. eh, this one got even more flowers. (prod) but so tiny. urggghhh!

after 10 minutes i felt like i was becoming just like my mom so i decided to make up my mind and be happy. i also decided not to let anality consume me by getting sam to pick out the heather flowers for me before i started comparing potted plants all over again.

after a while of walking around i glanced at my potted plants and they looked so perfect! that was when i suddenly realised, that's exactly how humans are like - potted plants. we're so perfect just the way we are, formed and made perfect in Christ. till we start to compare ourselves with others. but for our God-given strengths and spiritual gifts, are we willing to stop short-changing God for the wonderful blessings that He so readily pours into our lives, and start using them to glorify His name?

谢 - gonna live by what my surname pronounces!

Overwhelmed

just came back from a weekend in melaka. it's been good; i've missed gong gong and po po, and the little kids are now matching up to me in height. it's scary how little humans grow.

and when you're no longer little, you start to wonder about not being little, and aging.

it has been a week of sorts.

other than much work excitement preparing for launch next week, i was hit with news on thursday night, that dearest uncle tan had unexpectedly passed away.

my first reaction was. why, God, oh dear.

our LG first met this jovial grandfather back in august during national day celebrations, together with a congregation of uncles who lived around kampong glam, and whom we got to know during Project Sparkle. since then, it's been an amazing journey for our LG as we take turns to serve by accompanying the uncles for chinese service on sundays.

uncle tan, whom claramae goes to his home every sunday morning to wheel him for service.

uncle fang, who sets off from his home at 9am and makes that arduous 45min walk from his home just across the street, to textile on his walking stick.

uncle maofa, who fetches little jinbao and drops him off at hope kids before joining us.

not that i've ever given much, but i've always received so much more than that 'sacrifice' of my time at chinese service. it's amazing watching the older folks worship, it's amazing talking to the pastors and learning about their convictions, and it's amazing, the amount of warmth and support received from them as we as members of Hope Church continue to reach out to children of God who belong to the different congregations. you really get to experience this whole new dimension of God's amazing love.

so, back to uncle tan. it's so heartening how he shares, without abandon, his experiences back in the days. having grown up in a privileged background, he was agnostic, perhaps bordering on atheism. he was a strong character, only choosing to believe in himself. having lived around kampong glam his whole life, he did business as a textile merchant, and over the years, lost his fortune, lost contact with his family. from his sharing, there were many things in life he regretted, though he never really specifically mentioned what they were. 

just 2 weeks back as we had lunch together, i remembered jiadai, serene and i around the table (while little jinbao ran about sporadically) asking him about what he thought of Christ thus far, and whether he was ready to accept Christ. he told us that he had changed his views so much over the months. from someone who looked upon the 三姑六婆 he came into contact with much disdain, and believed that he was the only one in the world whom he could depend on, it's already a huge step that he has taken to go to church, and that he needed more time. 

he told us that he really liked the values that the church preached.

i honestly believed there was more than just values that moved him.

more than anything, he shared, he was so moved and touched by the love and care that we've showered him these past few months. jiadai told him that it was one thing to receive second hand love from God, but it was another to receive His love directly from the source, and that we were asking him this, because our time on earth is short, and this was the least that we could do- to share God's love and joy with him.

when thursday came about, i couldn't believe my ears. God, did you want me to see Your love in this servitude, only to stumble me by cruelly taking away the uncle whom we were this close to bringing to heaven? but no matter, i remembered something that i shared a while back, that God, our Father moves in wondrous ways. and for that, i earnestly believed that uncle tan had already chose to accept God into His life the moment he accepted the love we had poured upon him in his last months. i just knew it in my heart, and prayed for that faith of belief.

friday noon, i dropped by his wake with jacq and wenda.

above his coffin, was a cross.

i nearly burst into tears when i saw it. 

his daughter and daughter-in-law were around, and we got a chance to know more about the events that preceded his passing. 

it had only been recently that his children reconnected with him after 30 years. all this while, it had been just uncle tan on his own. his son and daughter-in-law a, a catholic, got to know about him attending church from one of the sisters during our visits at the hospital, and decided to bring a priest to 'anoint' him (to prepare him to receive God). 

but more amazingly, was that we got a chance to share with his family about uncle tan. his daughter was ever so curious and eager to find out how his father had been all these years. i will never know what happened between their family, but i believe God wanted us to set a peace in their hearts about the dad they never got to know much of, as we shared about how uncle tan encouraged us in his own ways. it's so so amazing on hindsight, to put the pieces together and see how God had planned out his path for uncle tan to receive Him into his life. wow.

it was amazing how we managed to pray with his daughter (who doesn't know the lord yet) and his daughter-in-law for uncle tan and his family.

over the last 3 days, members from youth, kids, YG and the chinese service visited uncle tan's wake. even the pastors from the chinese service came down to visit, and managed to share the gospel! i got to learn about little snippets of God's goodness, that uncle tan had even shared the gospel with his sister, about how uncle tan's son was floored and intrigued by how the various congregations of the church came together as God's people (and now as i'm typing i'm crying tears of joy), and thought about paying us a visit one day. we see the crazy effects of how God's crazy love overflows into other people's lives when we do His work, and it's amazing. i just remember last saturday's sermon about the importance of the church as a family. it touches my heart deeply, whenever i see people of God, all ages and different life stations, come together to do His work. always love the heart conviction after the mind convicts. 

now this is the kind of life transformation that i am talking about.

God, you are too amazing, too awesome, and you orchestrate the most amazing love stories!

**

so i got to spend time with the grandparents whom i dearly love. i clip popo's nails, and help her bathe and dress, and it breaks my heart that she doesn't know Jesus yet. she keeps asking me the same old questions- what am i doing now, when is jie coming to visit, what are we doing tonight, as Alzheimer's gets the better of her. i watched my littlest aunt (who has down syndrome) hug popo, stroke her white hair and kiss her on the head and say i love you in the most dearest fashion, and i know that this is what love is. 

what is it like to age? how confusing it must be to be in popo's shoes, to be around things that she has no recollection of. i'm convicted to do something more than just paying them the mandatory visit once or twice a year. but now, this is my constant prayer, to bring my family to know God. 

because i know that papa, mummy, my brothers, gong gong, po po- they could be so much more yielded with that peace from the Lord.

because over the weeks, i've realised that the mission of a family- what Christ has called us out to do, is to be that strength and that city on the hill when we serve God together.

and it is the duty of my sister and i, to labour in prayer to bring them to know Jesus.

beginning to see even more facets of His goodness, and i'm absolutely floored. 

2 pictures to end off:

this is why i love melaka. good food in almost every corner.

even more awesome when it's just sitting next to gong gong, who passes me every single dish to try, stuffing me with awesome food, because this is dimsum that he grew up with. :)

so many things that God is speaking into my life right now, and i know it is my deepest desire, to remain pure before Him. Jesus, convict me further, because my life is all Yours.

This is my promise to You.

we serve to grow to serve.
not grow to serve to grow.

because life is too short, too short to remain self-focused.

too many battles to be fought,
too many lives to be saved,
too many victories to be won.

reconnection

i've felt pretty dry this week.

slightly missing nature + music. gungor!

i know that if i could take that time to read a verse or two from the Bible on the way to work and keep it close to my heart for the rest of the day, the exponential nature of the supernatural God i know would probably multiply the fruits of His words. instead, i find myself nodding off during half-hearted prayers, and mind wandering to other thoughts before settling into the dusty depths of torpidity.

my default personality polarises towards solitude. it is ever so comfortable to reside into this seclusion and self-centredness when i get so tired and burnt out physically. of late, i think i'm turning into a workaholic. (not a very productive one though, given i don't know how i will ever survive without siestas on beanbags.)

but this is what i've come to realise -

i could draw away from Him in times of busyness. my desire to serve could dwindle, shoveled by the never ending planning, meetings and work to complete. in the process of leaving God out of the picture, i meet deadlines, i complete tasks. but at the end of the day, i crash, feeling tired, isolated, and never quite at peace. there's just something missing in the equation.

on saturday during worship, i felt like i just couldn't come before God and sing Jesus be the centre of my life without feeling sickened that i wasn't living out whatever my mouth was spewing.

i don't wanna raise my hands in mock adoration when my life isn't real, true and pure before Him. 

**

i question why i feel such an immense struggle when i never used to feel this way.

something suddenly strikes me.

i am a disciple of Christ.

and with that comes the burden of being a good and faithful servant. i don't mean it in a stranglehold sort of way, that i feel tied down or compelled to do anything, for God never forces anyone into His will.

it is not fear that compels me. it is the love of wanting to obey the Father.

do His work, my child, and everything will fall into place.

when the Holy Spirit lives within you, it becomes your conscience. (John 16:8) it's insane. i haven't realised how empowered it actually makes one, till of late. i find myself knowing the answers to things that would have confused or stumbled me before. i speak with conviction, not because i was born this way (on the contrary i was never really certain about what i spoke, and that fear of not being perfect and not being absolutely right stumbled me and i could not move forward ever), but only because i have the absolute faith in Christ. that i could be a complicated mess when i let my thoughts get the better of me, but when it comes to trusting in Him, i desire to be childlike and nothing else.

**

i've resolved that i will live in constant reminder of His supernatural power and love, in reflection of His blessings. thus began my reflection on my week and i realised that there were two events in particular that really renewed me-

charmaine, a p3 girl whom i made friends with at the psch carnival. manning this prizes booth which had excited kids coming in with stacks of colored slips indicating their wins at the game booths, i had to turn her and her dad away because she didn't have any of those. but i knew i had to do something. finding her, and to see her sheer excitement as she picked out the letters to her colorful bracelet. i brought her to play this a shooting game because i so desperately wanted her to experience the feeling of winning something of her own like her peers.

as i stepped in line to wait for our turn, i was just thinking "what if charmaine didn't manage to shoot anything through the holes? how should i make her still feel like a winner?" and half blaming myself for not having chosen something that ensured an easy win. as i guided her small hands to the foam gun and taught her how to aim, i prayed and prayed.

the first pellet bounced off the box.

the second didn't even make it within the boundaries of the box. it was tough, navigating the gun and allowing charmaine to gain control with her physical condition.

the third whizzed over some kid's head. urghhhhhhh! 

God, i REALLY REALLY want to let charmaine experience victory!

when we pulled the final trigger, it all happened so fast. the games in charge cheered and handed us a green slip to collect our prize. i couldn't believe my eyes. the pellet went through our target! i shouted damn loudly with glee and hugged charmaine. when i held that tiny body of hers, i felt her shake with excitement of her own victory,

and i knew that God was behind it all.

˜

and darling cassandra! finally, a meetup in light of her birthday. i don't really know how to put it in words, but our thoughts and conversations are serious poetry in motion. she's one of those people who reads my thoughts and completes my sentences and asks me questions that throw me off course but are questions that allow me the answer to my own problems. at the same time she's such a person of humility, always willing to listen to what i have to say because she prizes growth to be a better person so much. though she's so philosophical in the craziest ways (can't really describe what kinda strange thoughts she has, but they're funky. haha) she makes me feel that everything in life, mountain highs and valley lows, are exciting crazy fun things to be conquered! so crazy and insane but it's always so refreshing to be with her. honestly! i don't really know where to start thanking God for blessing so many of my friendships with such soul and spiritual depth. 

**

these two things have made me realise how important it is to look both inwards and outwards when healing. complete healing can never take place when we look inwards. because no matter what it is there is a limitation to how we can see God's glory in our lives. but when God starts to work wonders when we love in His love, i experience so much more of His amazing grace! i cannot even begin to list out the number of breakthroughs and convictions that i've build up while serving others.

**

something also struck me over the week about my Mission.

i don't exist to force upon anyone my values and beliefs.

i don't exist with the deluded notion that i am the life transformer.

i don't exist as the regimental Pharisee, seeing myself as more righteous than anyone else (because we are all sinners anyway).

i exist, to be used by Him.

i exist, to show the world what it means to be loved by Jesus.

i exist, to bring out God's best in people.

that joy, unspeakable joy and that heart stop whenever the person at the receiving end reaches a revelation about something that could potentially be the first step towards a deeper relationship with God. it excites me so much to see people take steps towards God's Kingdom, and to see people understand more of the great great love from our God.

this is how i've decided to place importance in my life - 

Jesus

People

Me

hurray!

oh, and one more thing. i played hide and seek with jinbao today during lunch, and didn't feel silly that i was hiding behind chairs, almost crawling on my fours and popping out from random places. i think that God might just be growing my heart for tiny people.

and i could go on and on about what He has spoken to me through prayer, but the lack of structure and long-windness in long posts is making me a little uncomfortable. next time! 

i've somersby in the fridge right now. mm :)

Beyond this World.

yesterday night, i got into an argument with my youngest brother.

it was about something i needed to take a stand as a sister, and not keep silent as i normally would. it was hardly comparable to how fights happened among the siblings; they used to be the most intense sputs ever, but they also haven't taken place in a long long time. 8 years?

for the longest time after, I sat in my room feeling angry and disappointed, wondering if things would ever be the same again. even though it was such a short one, it was also the first argument i ever had with him. 5 years apart, he's my dearest baby brother whom i watched after when we were growing up. i've seen him through some crazy periods in both our lives, seen him fumble, and then pick himself up and seen him grow in greater maturity and measure as a gentleman, and that's something i'm always proud of.

so close we wore matching tops.

he is one of the few people in this world who really get me. sometimes, it's forgivable that the younger one would naturally take the older one for granted, but our relationship redefines siblinghood. we're in this mutually protective relationship, where i protect him as a younger brother but speak into his life when i feel he needs to man up in silly situations. he protects me by looking out for me whenever we spend time outside and by caring for me deeply.

i will always remember the afternoon that i got baptised, he saw my struggle when i couldn't get papa to support me on my decision, and decided to come along together with jian to support me just because he knew it met alot to me for family to be there.

--

so after all that happened, I started to question those times that i had guided and nudged him to the path of righteousness. had they been reduced to a breakdown of his values regarding respect and honor?

I laid in my hammock, and nodded off.

a knock.
twice.

it was him, with an apology and explanation about the misunderstanding.

we spent the next few hours, till the the wee hours of the morning catching up about the family, love, and his dreams. words can't describe this melody we launch into whenever we share about each others' lives. it's moments like these when i realise how insanely i love and treasure my family, and it renews that yearning for their salvation.

so zhi taught me a really valuable lesson. love is an honest to goodness sacrifice of our inner struggle for control, and cannot ever be prideful. when there is pride, no way could the experience of a relationship ever reach the standard that God intends for it to be.

thank you for the openness, and for holding what we share to high esteem.