Pure love restores death

lately, i've been thinking.

two hearts intertwined is a dangerous combination. 

hearts so intertwined with a soul connection, perhaps perceived (the very perception that it does gives truth to it)- the alignment of intellectual and spiritual depth that lends to the understanding of each others' thoughts.  i am talking about an attraction so severe, because you know that heart, the mind, the soul tells you so. things are unspoken, but still deep understanding is the common understanding. 

and it needs to be mutual, of course. (if not, it gets kinda delusional.)

when soul alignment takes place, the want to grow more into each other takes place. because even with that alignment, there are bound to be differences, but it is in our second nature to want to be one; God created us that way. (Ephesians 5:31)

that is why love either creates or destroys.

love creates when this love is God's kind of love. the gentle spirit of the slowing burning steadfast love of the Father. He acts in loving kindness because he knows it all, the essence of all things in the light.

love destroys when we seep in sinful human thoughts and ways. we stay in grey clouds of obsession, trample each other's righteousness by indulging one another. even in the keeping of love within a relationship, a force that God created to fight the darkness in this world, tends to lead down a slippery slope of disaster. love was never meant to be a selfish possession between merely two or a few people, but in such cultivation brought out to be light in this world. else it be explosive in nature, channeled towards lame ways, like possessiveness, or the testing of the extent of one another's love.

and here i bring in 2 Corinthians 6:14, one of the most used yet misunderstood verses in the bible about romantic relationships:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

and this makes so much sense to me now.

love is created when we choose to put Jesus Christ as our first love, when we know that despite human imperfections, if Jesus rules and governs our lives and relationships, that nothing can ever be "subjective judgment" anymore because God is the ultimate judge. in the building up of a relationship/friendship based on God above all, it grows from strength to strength, never to be shaken by the ways of thought that traverses through seasons and generations.

love destroys like mentioned in 2 Corinthians 6:14. perhaps it could work the opposite, that light overwhelms darkness. but that is the exception, not the norm. in most cases, it stumbles. when the growing of likeness presents a merger of both parties' beliefs and values, that is where compromises take place.

as nicholas sparks puts it, "pure love awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."

word, but only when Jesus Christ defines pure love.

Rest me

S: are you okay, hui xin?
H: that's a strange question. why would i not be okay?
S: cause you always seem so happy all the time, so i won't be able to tell when you're not.
H: i'm fine! (i think.)

--

well, i really am. save for really needing a long and deep sleep without worries about meeting next week's milestone.

you can do it!

Enlight-en'd

the age of enlightenment, a cultural movement by intellectuals in the 18th century, gave rise to the popularity of deism, where one believes in the existence of a divine authority, accepts the righteous practices that the doctrine calls for, but rejects the divine authority of a God that acts in supernatural and miraculous ways. Jesus was merely seen as a moral teacher.

i can totally imagine a bunch of intellectuals in the room, discussing about the practicality and goodness of righteousness in religiosity to improve civil society, yet dispelling the idea of God moving in supernatural ways. after all, belief in anything beyond would probably have marked suicide of their social capital and intellectual credibility.

this was the account of Benjamin Franklin who embarked on a project of attaining "moral perfection": 

I wish'd to live without committing any fault at any time; I would conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into. As I knew, or thought I knew, what was right and wrong, I did not see why I might not always do the one and avoid the other. But I soon found I had undertaken a task of more difficulty than I had imagined. While my care was employed in guarding against one fault, habit took the advantage of inattention; inclination was sometimes too strong for reason. I concluded, at length, that the mere speculative conviction that it was our interest to be completely virtuous, was not sufficient to prevent our slipping; and that the contrary habits must be broken, and good ones acquired and established, before we can have any dependence on a steady, uniform rectitude of conduct. 

He then came up with 13 virtues, with intention to "acquire habitude" of all these virtues.

I made a little book, in which I allotted a page for each of the virtues. I rul'd each page with red ink, so as to have seven columns, one for each day of the week, marking each column with a letter for the day. I cross'd these columns with thirteen red lines, marking the beginning of each line, and in its proper column, I might mark, by a little black spot, every fault I found upon examination to have committed respecting that virtue upon that day..

My list of virtues contain'd at first but twelve; but a Quaker friend having kindly informed me that I was generally thought proud; that my pride show'd itself frequently in conversation; that I was not content with being in the right when discussing any point, but was overbearing, and rather insolent, of which he convinc'd me by mentioning several instances; I determined endeavouring to cure myself, if I could, of this vice or folly among the rest, and I added Humility to my list, giving an extensive meaning to the word. 

I cannot boast of much success in acquiring the reality of this virtue, but I had a good deal with regard to the appearance of it. I made a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others, and all possitive assertion of my own. I even forbid myself, agreeably to the old laws of our Junto, the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix'd opinion, such as certainly, undoubtedly, etc., and I adopted, instead of them, I conceive, I apprehend, or I imagine a thing to be so or so; or it so appears to me at present. When another asserted something that I thought an error. I deny'd myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition; and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear'd or seem'd to me some difference, etc... 

In reality, there is, perhaps, no one of our natural passions so hard to subdue as pride. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself; you will see it, perhaps, often in this history; for, even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility.

the most painful piece i've ever read of some one's attempt to be righteous as an end in itself, just to be perfect for the sake of it. 

i think the point at the end of the day really isn't about whether he attained his defined perfection, or the questionable moral compass that he used to define perfection, or the fact that despite all that discipline his essay still bled self-righteousness, but really- drawing parallels of the situation back then to modern day christianity,

1)  are we using the spiritual habits and conceptions about God of the people around us as a yardstick to box up our perceptions of walking right with the Lord? 
2) do we imagine transformation of our lives to be the rational conditioning of habits, or do we stake our lives on the belief that He has a part to play in this, empowering us by the Spirit and changing our hearts to be pure, through and through?
3) and more importantly, what is our heart for wanting to attain the perfection of Jesus?

--

some thing struck me the other day while poring a book over a busride. what makes a disciplined person, and what makes a disciple?

in the words of John Orterg, "a disciplined person is someone who can do the right thing at the right time in the right way with the right spirit.", but a disciplined follower of Jesus, a disciple, is not someone "who has mastered the disciplines and never misses a daily regimen of spiritual exercise. A disciplined follower of Jesus is someone who discerns when laughter, gentleness, silence, healing words, or prophetic indignation is called for, and offers it promptly, effectively, and lovingly."

wow. 

when i read that, that was there and then that i realised what it means to be Christ-like. not attempting to be righteous through our means in hopes that the standards of righteousness could reach that of Jesus Christ's, but in seeking to know that heart of Christ- sharing His burdens and pains and sorrows and joys, taking on that cross, and in the process, attaining righteousness because the intentions of the hidden heart overflows into every aspect of our lives. so at the end of the day, righteousness is the spillover effect of attaining the heart of Christ, not the other way around.

and no human discipline or strength, but Love for you can make me run this race as Your good and faithful servant, because only Your love can make me whole. You're not a human-created concept of divinity with limitations, but the all powerful, omnipotent God, and Your son the way, the truth, and the life. (John 14:6)

so the real question, perhaps, is this: do we love Jesus enough?

There could be exceptions to this modus operandi.

i'd like to think i'm someone who has it all together. going about life, being strong.

the strange memories you remember from childhood? i was 11, and running a high fever one day. i refused to tell anyone because i thought i could still get by the school day. when my form teacher came around and discovered my head on the table and insisted that i went home to rest, i remembered feeling a strong sense of guilt even though it was probably my right to that MC. it was the first one that i ever took in my school life.  

when i was 13, i went for my first gym lesson and rolled over a bouncy gym ball and landed on my left arm. heard this strange sound followed by an excruciating pain. the gym instructor told me to call my parents but i insisted on getting through the day and going home myself. i reached home, and collapsed in a heap of tears when i saw my mom. my arm was wrapped up in a cast for a month.

taking on a parent's view of the world could well be beneficial to a child or not, depending on how close the parent is to God's ideals of parenthood. since young, i've always felt like i could relate very much to my dad. he was in every sense my role model. i took on his ideals and mindsets and beliefs, including the lie that everything always had to be held together in his own strength. when horrible things started to happen to me, i held up that strong front and never told a soul. the people whom i most dearly loved and depended upon crumbled, and the weight of the world was burdened upon my shoulders. they weren't that unsinkable crucible whom i thought they were, and i didn't know whom to turn to. but i knew i had to get all things together in my life because that was the very least that i could do as a daughter to love them.

for years after, 'the hero lies in you' was the mantra that kept me going. and sure, i kept those dark days to myself and thought i could hide them, and thought myself 'hero' in my own life, but no one ever gets away from hiding something like that without a spillover.

it's easy to share convictions, but so tough sometimes to lay raw problems and thoughts. perhaps inbuilt in me, that i shouldn't let one take on the burden of my problems, or the fear that they will never understand what i am going through. many things in life that i keep to myself, and manage to hide completely from even my own emotions.

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them—words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear.

Stephen King

i think the above sums up the why.

i'm always kinda happy. i focus on the things in life that let me awe at God's wonder, maybe because i know that happiness is a choice. but tonight, i woke up from a nap with a soggy pillow and a startling revelation, that God doesn't require me to always have it going and to always have the strength to be able to conquer everything in this world.

i guess a part of me thinks i have to be strong because i will be letting Him down if i feel weak since "we can do all things through Him who strengthens". but the realisation is that i don't always need things to be perfect and i don't need to be that perfect girl, it's alright to be weak, it's alright to feel hurt and it's alright to feel like a child because He wants me to cry out to Him when i'm helpless and not try to hold everything together. the most important thing is not to have all things in life held together, but to always have the faith that God will make all things right through utter dependence on Him.

well, right now, i'm not ok. 

Father, teach me how to come before you without needing to be strong in my own strength. let me feel like a child once more and rely on You for that comfort and love.

:'/ hui xin, you will be okay

Supernatural Spirit

today Ps Simon preached about knowledge of the embodiment of the spirit of God when one is able to see God's favour in all circumstances. that we can even be joyful about shitty spots in our lives and know this is all part of the process of moulding to the fulfillment of His purpose for us.

had this stored in my drafts and thought it could draw some parallels with today's sermon.

--

there are days where i fumble.

there are days where i feel trapped in the cycle of a comfortable habit.

there are days where i am self-absorbed.

there are days where i think about relationships, and how i could have handled them better.

there are days i wanna turn the clock the other way.

there are days where i get so hopelessly drawn into the past me, the person that i once was.

there is a queer romanticism in getting lost in one's thoughts. when you don't draw boundaries, you could imagine how these thoughts go out of this world, past the clouds and galaxies, flutter past souls and hearts and goes beyond reach. much like how everything has a centre of attraction, the creation of thoughts solidify them into matter, lending to a centre of attraction that cloyingly sticks to you and like a vortex, draws your entire being into them. it is seductive, almost desirable, to be a slave to our creations.

but, as we lay in bed before turning off the night lights, it sinks in. or maybe we're are just too exhausted and crash- the feeling carries over to daylight. it is akin to that of a hangover. or post-crappy joint. a swell of disconnect that weighs down the left of our chests- the heaviness of an emptiness.

--

and i thought life was gonna be smooth sailing after receiving His forgiveness.

we listen to testimonies of life transformation in others, and want the same life change, the same amazing things to happen. but we sit around, twirling our hair and fiddling with our thumbs, waiting for that supernatural transformation and healing to occur.

i could tell you that God is the miracle, beyond nature, whom can heal us instantaneously. you know, He could very well. but Kingdom economics just doesn't operate that way. at least, if you've been sitting around waiting for something to happen and it hasn't, something must be missing in the equation.

have we yearned enough, have we seeked enough, have we prayed enough?

it is common knowledge that we want the best for ourselves. it is head knowledge that God knows what's best for us. and thus, logically, we should always depend on Him for wisdom and direction. but why is it that we struggle to obey Him in the toughest moments? 

i've heard my fellow Christians. they say, "have faith!" 

seriously, how does one possess faith?

i've realised that at the end of the day, faith cannot exist without the experience of the extent of His love.

i don't know what's best for myself. partly because it is not in human wisdom to fathom that elusive and abstract 'best', but also because i am fallen and weak. in my own strength to fight off temptations of the world, the meagre love i have for myself and the perceived long term returns of building a good and righteous character is not enough to overcome the flippancy of the moment.

but of course this is where i come face to face with Jesus. nothing will draw me close to Him, nothing will make me desire more of Him, but the unshakable faith that i've cultivated from experiencing this- "He who loved, knows what's best for me." 

we could memorize the bible from cover to cover and be anointed to preach, but if we have not experienced the highest form of His love, nothing could ever save us when we hit the pit.

the turning point for me in my walk with God was one of which head knowledge translated to heart knowledge, some time at the beginning of this year. i read about testimonies, watched how He moved among the different nationalities, comprehended His heart for the people of the world, reflected on how He had guided me and blessed me through those dark days of my life. it made me cry real and hard tears. i remembered watching Passion, and it shook me so much i starting sobbing uncontrollably throughout the whole movie in front of my laptop screen.

ha ha. i know, it is such a silly spot to be hit by the glory and love of God, but that was really my transformative point. it was really crazy. that experience remains so so real and so close to me because it was the first time the tangible presence and love of God was revealed so powerfully to me. all i can say is that, this kinda experience stays within you. it shakes your entire being and perception of the world, and nothing is ever quite the same after.  you literally feel a different spirit running through you, and you experience an entire new spectrum of emotions- the positive, radiant, loving sort. everything i experienced, the people whom i interacted with, the perspectives i held all took a 180 change. it is amazing being filled with God's love. you want to pray, you want to minister, you want to love.

and back to where i was, on days that i feel so weak and a prisoner to my thoughts, this is what i turn to. knowing that He is real. knowing that He wants to help me.

i pray.

and He has never failed.

just 2 simple points tonight.
1) if we want our lives transformed, we ought to yearn, seek and pray dangerously for it.
2) the secret to staying close to Him in all circumstances is faith, and can only be cultivated by true experience of His pure, unadulterated love.

so i'm keeping Ephesians 3:16-19 close to me. let it be a prayer to the fulfillment of Proverbs 3:3!


not by my might or power but by Your Spirit. 

Starve that mind/heart clot

much as many imagine competency to be something that one works towards, i.e. progress happens slowly and surely with the effort. i totally believe in that, but i also believe there is something called the competency breakthrough.

i used to be quite a bad writer. no matter how hard i tried to spruce up a composition or how long i tried my hand, or how many times i squashed up pieces of carbon coated paper, everything i wrote came out flat. emotionless. like doing an oral exam paper. i couldn't string together a plot to save my life.

one day, i decided that my detest of writing cardboard essays had to end. i took on the shoes and mind of Arundhati Roy, and somehow my essay came out sounding like The God of Small Things. 

that was pretty crazy for me, because after that i never wrote quite like before. even stimulations around me took on a different sort of vibration. observing and living life became a little like Requiem for a Dream/American Beauty/Amelie-esque. 

i think my point is- sometimes our ill competencies are in every sense its literal meaning. ill for a reason because of a lock in our brain, or heart. sometimes all it needs is a shift in perspective, or something that clicks it open, and floodgates ensue, of that potential within us that we never knew existed.

--

a little off the subject, but i think it's really funny how God keeps sending these random strangers to me- physically hungry i know, but deep down, i know there's more to what they need. these kinda things always break my heart- why do i suffice with just an offer to buy dinner/breakfast and a silent prayer when i know my situation mirrors to a tee that of Peter in Acts 3!?! 

Jesus, give me wisdom and courage to use your name powerfully!

Perhaps this marks an avalanche.

many times during quiet time, i find myself trying to squeeze my reading into that short span of time i set aside a day. it is rushed, and never peaceful and still. i've decided that i want a breakthrough in the way i do my quiet time because it is honestly one of the key areas of one's walk with Christ.

after some prayer, i've decided that the next 21 nights i will go into a time of facebook fasting and prayer for specific areas in my life that i want to see His hand in, and at the same time examining the book of James. so, really praying for that free time, and for the physical strength to be obedient because it is always so exhausting at the end of a working day.

My Way of Life, My Way of Love.

as some one living in this world of endless wonders, possibilities and things that the human mind could yet fathom, it's crazy the amount of stimulations and influence we get from the things we experience around us.

and if you were some one who realised the importance of keeping your life real and true to your beliefs, perhaps there are many things in this world that you don't believe in, and choose not to be a part of.

i realised that i grew up with the luxury of having everything i needed in front of me, provided by a pair of parents who clothed and fed us lovingly as they perceived love to be. but on the other hand, they were pretty tight fisted with luxuries that we could well have afforded. sometimes i am really quite thankful for the values that we were brought up to possess, even albeit all the grumbling of knowing that we could have led an even more comfortable life.

but herein lies this dilemma. in this life, one could choose between 2 choices- to be of this world or not of this world. to be of this world, is to accept and feed importance to the things that society values or accepts, like pretty clothes, branded things, power to control, money, sex before marriage.. there are many more.

but if you refuse to accept these social norms as part of your value system, you are less of this world. of course there might still be the more positive social norms that you could accept like good grades, and a stable job which allow for adequate functioning of the individual. but when rejection of certain values start to occur, it is a dangerous life you are leading, because you run the risk of being anti-establishment. looking at the way values in society are slowly but surely morphing for the worse, you'd either go with the flow and be disgruntled in the long run, or you recognize where it is headed towards, thereby catalysing the process of disgruntlement. you might not think it is much at first. you might even try to create your own filter mechanism- let's all accept the good values of society and reject the bad.

it sounds easy, but it wasn't for me. it spilled over to other areas of my life, and even the things i was passionate about, i started getting disillusioned with. my course in university was amazing, but i just couldn't keep in step because i was just so engulfed by the fact that life was too scary to be handled. i had no idea where i was headed towards. there was nothing of this world i wanted to hold on to other than love, and even the very concept of love in our society had been reduced to the self-satisfying, unstable, ill-dependent types that threw me in a state of disarray.

being not of this world, initially something positive because it means you are grounded in your own beliefs, could potentially poison one into a bitter person full of angst and hatred for the world. it's hard to function like that, because you wake up with no idea where you're headed towards, you see people who are successful and joyful and jealousy seeps into your very soul even as you attempt to shrug off all these ill feelings of contempt, wanting to stay true to your very roots.

so i'd like to ask- where are the roots in which you ground your personal beliefs?

is it your conscience, of which its entirety depended upon your emotions and state of being? is it in a person- a lover, a sibling, a parent, or a friend whom you look up to and wish to model after?

i tell you now, these things fall away. because the very nature of humans is such that we are deceived by our own experiences. we form our ideas and values and beliefs based on the subjective human experience. it may have been fine if we went through a perfect childhood with perfect parents who never fought a day and whom loved us unconditionally. it may have been fine if we went to school and never got bullied, never felt like a lousy student because all we got were straight As, and never went through setbacks and failure. but obviously, who am i kidding?

modeling after a person we desire to be- i ask you, have you ever been the person people wanted to model after? have you always felt worthy of that title? the deep dark secrets of our hearts, even though unrevealed most of the time, we know that there have been times that we've failed, that we've been prideful, envied, angered, lusted and let gluttony, greed and sloth get the better of us. really, to have your hopes and world crumble when we discover the person whom we desire to be is just human after all. it is a painful experience.

we could be conscious of the fact that we're being moulded by our experience. we could repeat it a gazillion times in our mind- "i will never ever repeat the same mistakes that my parents did. i will never get my heart broken, i will never get attached emotionally to any one ever..etc." as we go through these experiences, we are hardened outside, but ultimately, there is a part of us slowly crumbling inside. and then one day, what is left of us is a hardened and hollow heart, too tired to give anything to even the ones we love.

**

humans are made to form attachments. i learnt that the hard way. holding on to the transient- music, people, interests, astrology.. you name it. nothing ever fulfilled that inner most longing to know something even higher, some one whom i eventually realised was the creator of all of earth, heaven, and above all, Love.

i set my firm foundation in Jesus. it sounds like something silly, cliche and abstract, especially since He existed what, 2000 years ago? but here's the deal. no one, even the historians and Jews and Muslims could deny His existence. the only disconnect lies in His claim as the son of God. so let us beg the question for a moment (seek for answers to your questions and you will find.). He is the son that our loving God sent to this earth to teach us the ways of living. and this is the reason why i seek to be like Him all the days of my life. 

just like how we form attachments with the people we love because we desire to be like them, that's how i form mine with Him. you know why? 

because He is infallible. because He is the constant, never ending, never failing, steadfast and sacrificial source of love and light in my life. He is the reason why i can look upon all the darkness and sadness in this world with that peace and joy because i know there is hope for every one of His people as long as we get to know Him. He is the perfect love, and that is how i want to live my life. 

just like He did.