Growth

Been pretty stoked about life these couple of months, even though there's definitely tonnes of up and down moments but i don't know how to explain this, it's just unspeakable peace and joy that palpates through my veins through even the seriously crappy moments that i guess it's only possible through knowledge that God first loved. Got to do this random survey for some IMH data collection which was about state of being and spirituality, and it made me realize that I am a really happy person.

I'm gonna attempt to do an update about the status of things just to store my failing memory in this cache of a blog which i haven't been utilizing very well. Looking back to the beginning of last year when I decided to make the most amazing decision of my life, I think God has really been constantly moulding my character and mindsets. It's been a crazy number of breakthroughs that I've experienced, and every time it happens, a part of me dies inside to reveal a bit more of Christ, and I cannot begin to explain how that feeling is like. 

It's like, you wake up in the morning and no longer feel like you need to think about what to take on for the day, how to drive yourself to feel for something. I think that used to be me, fleeting from one interest to the next and never finding true value in anything. Now every morning as I open my eyes, I know that what I am doing for the rest of the day, be it work, or hanging out with my friends and colleagues, is really just a worship unto Him. Edifying His Kingdom. Being Christ-like and doing my best in where I am put in. It's amazing, how there are many things I would never have done, or many decisions that I would never have made without Him.

A couple of weeks back, I was with my sister, and we met her friend, who told me that he sees breakthroughs coming in my life. My first thought was. ah, bring it on! Breakthroughs are always painful but its really exciting for me cause I learnt a little bit more about Jesus's character and that always is amazing. 

Yea, so work wise, which makes up the majority of my week right now, is actually going on fine. Somehow, it was never really my priority in life but as I start to do more and more research and read up more and more about education in Singapore, I feel like there has never been anything more that I want to change about the system. I've been brought through days of floundering and wallowing in post-school depression from those bad memories of disengagement from not finding any purpose in schooling other than hanging out with friends, and it really hasn't been easy. It also brought me back to pretty dark years of my life, of physical and emotional abuse during those years and just the mere recollection of anything related to those years just sends dull, distant, aches in my heart. 

I don't want to remember days of being cooped up in the room, afraid to step outside, from having to eat my dinner within the confines of my room, of having to endure those constant taunts and lies about who I was. But yes, other than being brought through those moments, I know, that this is where I am supposed to be at this stage of my life, and I've never felt more amazed at how everything has fallen into place for this job. Only time will tell of the purpose, but I am pretty excited. 

Relationships at work, in particularly one of them, has been tough, and this is something that I can draw parallels with what happened with one of my friendships in secondary school. And right now, I am being put into the shoes of the girl whom I once hurt, and words cannot describe how it feels. Funny that we've been keeping in contact of late, because I know that the timing is apt, because of His timing. Even my sis who prayed for me told me about 'sec school' and 'unforgiveness' when she had absolutely no knowledge of what happened back then. it is, walls are crumbling and these are exciting days even though they are extremely painful.

ta.