Sponges

We assign value to the things that fall under the school of thought of which we've chosen to view the world through. It is imperative that we then also grow that view both horizontally and vertically.

And occassionally, when we chance upon a different other, we take on the lenses of some one else momentarily, and realise the myriad occurance in perceptions of the human condition, and give thanks that God made us heterogeneous.

At the end of the day, we still oscillate back to the same old school of thought, the one in which we have chosen to be us; that we have defined our identity with. But no one can deny that we've changed - if not transformed, but maybe just a little. That's the beauty of how human interactions allow cross disciplinary ideas to take root - the only way in which we can earn a fraction of how God sees the universe. (honestly, the only way in which humans can move beyond relying too much on a particular discipline to grow a particular aspect of society)

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Falling in love with magazine subscriptions on the kindle. It's amazing(pun) how fast a want translates to a have in a matter of seconds. Oh, but buy me a lifetime of subscriptions please.

1- Choice is an active sought after His will.

22 September 2013

"Where shall we go, to a land faraway?"

You hold the world in Your hand. A world of endless possibilities- and sometimes having too many choices gives one diminishing returns. Picking a country for STM is a very good example (in the literal sense). But at the same time, it feels like it all happened in a jiffy- going for missions festival and not knowing where to start(another story to tell in itself), but yet wanting it to be something of His will. 

中国新 got me a little more excited somehow. There was a trip (Xiamen) happening around the time HY and I were free. Given the period, it was a toss up between Cambodia (Crystal's LG was planning a trip) and China. I was rather glad that it got cut down to just these 2 Cs. Initially rather impartial, but somehow, praying more has had my heart drawn more towards China. Maybe because I was from a chinese school (sad experience there with the mother tongue then though), maybe because I did a short student exchange in China back in high school and thus feeling some sort of affinity, but maybe it was reactionary having watched an indie documentary entitled 班长 (detailing how values were socialised in kids at a young age, a thoroughly disgusting (and hopefully, larger than life) depiction of the breakdown of social values in the Chinese society), or maybe it was just because I'm Chinese afterall. I didn't really pray for a confirmation, but oscillated strangely to where my heart led me to.

Within 2 weeks, flights were booked, whatsapp group conversations ensued, efforts to get together began. 

A 4 day trip- What could we do in such a short time?

Age. Aged.

“Her delight in the smallest things was like that of a child. There were days when she ran in the 
garden, like a child of ten, after a butterfly or a dragon-fly. This courtesan who had cost more 
money in bouquets than would have kept a whole family in comfort, would sometimes sit on the 
grass for an hour, examining the simple flower whose name she bore.” 

― Alexandre Dumas-fils, La Dame aux Camélias

1700 days later, and I'm not sure where to find that part of me any longer- the urge to play a prank, wishful for a silly joke, the want to muse at life's perfection in its imperfections. I guess I still do so now, but with my mind wrapping a cruel sheet over the pure heart, trampling its innocence, muffling its ability to just appreciate the world as it is.

But oh, how the heart aches to find that space to breathe, and to be free once again.

God, would you help me through this?

And between now and then.

My last dated entry (28 September) till now, it's been almost 2 months. I'm at lost as to where to start. The gist of it, probably the eventful ones that sparked off some sort of spiritual hunger/re-evaluation/prayer within me.

1) STM happened
2) Han Yang left for overseas for a month
3) Busy period/loads of major refocusing at work
4) Gong gong got hospitalised for a pretty major operation

I think when you squish all 4 events together it is a pretty major disruption to my life, cos it constitutes just about all aspects of my life- ministry, love, work and family. (Haha, okay am glad friends remained the constant, not that we met up often these 2 months!)

1) STM: Ended up in Suzhou. Definitely a trip that I saw God's hand at and saw His love for the people of China. It's just amazing being part of the experience of Paul's prayer for the Ephesians. At the same time, a personal transformation within me as I reflect, on hindsight, how God has grown my heart to realise the importance of the Great Commission and how I really want to be a part of it as well. Have decided to share this all in prose.

2) Absence: I think the STM trip was definitely a great way that HY and I got to understand more of one another (perspectives about doing missions, how we serve, the way we work through disagreements and misunderstandings.) And then of course, the one month apart which I felt was a good time to re-evaluate things between us. (Though, I do think that other than being physically apart and thus having a new physical space was good for him to pluck himself out of the busyness to think more/experience more of God, that we still continued doing our weekly catchups and all which was nice. So it wasn't really so much of less facetime that fueled these new insights but a different physical space. New perspectives are yey!) But, yes, I really did kinda miss seeing his funny face weekly. Haha.

3) Work: Crazy month of training (which made me stop to think whether I can persist with such a lifestyle, and it wasn't even half of how much Jo probably feels heading most of the programmes.) But aye, when something fuels and energises you mentally, but yet drains you physically, what does one do? Anyway, refocusing the business to technology next year. I'm in the midst of praying through this one.

4) Gong gong: His health hasn't been tiptop of late, which sent family into a frenzy. I'm pretty emotionally attached to gong gong, went back 2 times to visit him. Both trips left me emotionally exhausted, cried loads of tears while praying for him. Spent 2 nights at the hospital and I think we grew closer through that experience, of just sitting beside him, talking, moving him into comfortable positions on bed up, turning him once every 2 hours, feeding him water every hour, calling on the nurse whenever something beeped (and my mom is indeed a superwoman cus she has been taking care of him for the past month). I'm well aware that God's been nudging me to share the gospel with him (even to the extent of preparing me linguistically by plonking me in Suzhou for 5 days), and there have been opportunities where we talk about grandma, the fragility of life and his worries where I know this is where I should come in with a Bible verse, or begin to explain who Jesus is, but I just don't know how to start. urh. I guess I'm grateful that he allows me to pray for him (he teared when I last prayed for him, I know God is doing something in his heart.). Small steps but I gotta be less fearful!

Have decided, in this month leading up to Christmas, to do a fast and extended time of prayer for these 4 aspects (That, and friends too). Wanna hear more from him, ultimately as I realise more and more how everything fits into the bigger picture of pleasing and glorifying Him.

(Check out this space more often, I want to share more about this period of fast and extended prayer too.)

Heart of Worship

keeping check on this exploration with Han Yang. i think the one thing i truly desire, is to steer us in the direction of a respectful and God-led friendship. there are times where i ask myself whether i should be sharing certain things- is it the right time to share, is it my own desires speaking that lead us into premature emotional intimacy, or will it lead to the breaking down of lies from years of unspoken assumptions and unasked questions, threshing through walls between us that, on the contrary, draws us closer to Him. or, perhaps it is just a fear of being vulnerable and powerless that i withhold what could potentially cause a breakthrough. it's a fine line, but i am learning to tread it. loving right is always a tricky pursuit.

and in the midst of these prayers to depend fully on Him (because my heart is truly deceitful and weak), that we talk more, pray more, inspire more, serve more, grow more, commit more to building His church.

i've learnt that commitment really isn't just all about setting aside time to serve, it is living in the presence of the spirit and hosting this presence for others. and it is clear- i want my life to be all about that.

all of it. through mountain highs and valley lows.

be still

"Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it.  

God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace."

and the best human relationships are the ones grounded in God's love, mercy and grace. praying always to speak truth in love.

the upside down kingdom.

"the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."  

Proverbs 9:10

why fear, why must fear rule us when we see the Lord? why not love? isn't love a better word to describe how a relationship motivated by love is the kind of love that grows you? so i've realised the hebrew word for fear, yirah (יִראָה) has 2 meanings. one of which- fear, dread as it is. and the other- reverence, awe, respect.

why then, is it important to not just love the Lord, but also fear Him? because love alone does not imply respect. love alone could move the mountains, but it may not cause one to procure wisdom. just like how God could love us but not need to obey us, one could love another but choose not to obey. 

in this proverb, i assume that love for the Lord is already a given. then this addition of fear- a deep reverential fear for Him, will cause one to obey, to bow down before the heavens in humility for the Holy Spirit to take over. all of him.

i want to fear the Lord.

the winged ox

just finished the book of luke. jesus is a lot more controversial in the bigger scheme of things than i've imagined (all along, i've only been ploughing through specific chapters/verses during sermons and quiet time, never a book through a span of 4 days). i mean, i've read the book of luke, but not in this way, ever.

consistency. that was what struck me the most of jesus' actions. how much it would have taken someone, as He went about teaching, healing the sick, casting out demons and taking on the teachers of the law and the pharisees. he wasn't mollycuddled and affirmed like how we are today with 32% of the rest of the population of the world backing us up. he was plotted against, accused, betrayed time and again. at the end of the day, the son of God, our almighty, could be tempted to waver. but he chose not to, despite most of his life being defined by rejection.

yes, so faith is a choice. it is a choice to die to myself daily, to take up the cross. i know at the heart of it all, why i make this choice. but yesterday's sermon had me wondering about how much i'm willing to die to myself to fulfill His cause.

(call me lazy, but i'm jumping right into the book of Acts! hehe)

a hole in the heart, made whole.

a gnawing hunger. one that rises up from my left chest, residing just beneath my skin. i want to know you, God. verbatim. i've never experienced something like that. the yearning of daily conversation with You. the heart beats, faster and faster when i find out another facet of Your goodness and mercy. remember that struggle months back, where i couldn't for the life of me find a heart conviction for that mind conviction? when i found the key to that heart conviction and unlocked it with prayer, little did i know what God would bring me through on this journey. of greater self knowledge, of breaking lies, of seeing light.

somewhere along the way, i've found that blueprint of God's design for me. of self acceptance instead of self condemnation. so it's been done, Hui Xin.

it is the start of feeding on manna, it is the start of doing and being. i was dead but now i live.

Psalm 95:1

14 years ago i had a love affair with a particular music instrument while peering over its huge black body. i was so in love that i got my mom to sign me up for classes. it was rather short lived (all of 4 months), because i got tired of playing scales and doing theory. i didn't care for playing silent nights and silly Grade 1 score sheets; i wanted to break out of that beginner's lameness. fast forward 4 years later, i got a good friend of mine to teach me chords during recess and after school. we only managed in C major, and from there, i started playing everything in C major. anything and every song that could fit into C major i did. emo i was, playing songs from uh F4, uh westlife, uh S Club 7, etc.

then the inability to play in other majors or do any form of chord progression hit me and made me really bored. so mom sold the white elephant away. i mourned over its departure for abit, and decided to go back to good ol' trusty guitar.

a few months back, i got pretty excited after fooling around with the keyboard on garageband, and figured out how to do chords in different majors. and to add on i think i was rather inspired by a particular mr lau's playing. so, thus began my search for the perfect piano to rekindle my love affair. to cut the grandmother story short,

this sexy P70 baby now sits next to me.

actually he's been sitting around for quite a few months now. i finally got around to recording something. surprisingly on the 3rd take! the slightly banshee-sounding harmonies are blessings from God after a quarter of serving in the worship team. so cool how they come pretty naturally. i love you God! :)