Her perfect second life

Lately, my strange sister has taken on a liking to some game called STARDOM: HOLLYWOOD. You start off as an E-lister and work your way up to an A-lister. Sounds like the perfect game to get hooked on to, as a 14 year old.

Jie: Look! So this is my room.
HX: Oh, that's alright. Oh wait, it looks kinda messy. (swipes to the right to look at the rest of the room) Ewwk, why is there a rat in there?!
Jie: Oh, it's alright. The rat sometimes gives me money.

And we're talking about people getting hooked onto the false reality of glamour in virtual reality games, here my sis is being contented with having a rat in her room in her second life. Kwa kwa kwa

Just to fill this space

I haven't been a faithful penner of lovely thoughts for the past few weeks since the last update. I need to find time soon to do so; I want to capture what God has done in my heart and share it. All I can say is, He is doing great work in the hearts of my family. But there is one thing I wanna desire more, and it's more of His heart. More of this soon!

My neck keeps creaking. Sure sign of aging!

And, I need a haircut!

Square Post

Ah, such joy to be able to toast in bed till 6.30am, get up with a renewed vigour, go for a morning swim, ask God to hold the rain till after the swim, finish off by 8 and be home for a hot cappuccino, play abit of piano and worship a little, blog. I've lost that momentum to keep track of my life, partly because I used to on my online space, and then somewhere along the way of my arduous journey to find the meaning of my existence, started to question my intentions. 

But lately, I've been thinking about how this reflective space really does me good because I get these thoughts running through my mind the whole day, sometimes they get a little too crammed. Also, that ever since I underwent this huge change in my beliefs about eternity and going about establishing this love relationship with God (and in the process being humbled just about a thousand times), that I somehow felt the wish to be more private about my personal life. 

Take it as a renaissance of some sort, but a few days back, I awoke with that joyfulness in me- that awe I had when I used to turn a blind eye on the realities of the world, and then lost when I decided to pay heed to the human condition. But now, I am grounded with the truths of this world. And with that, I really do think that old, extrovert side of me is starting to come back once more. Oh, happy day!

This meant to be a square picture post, but I realised that square pictures, even though pretty, are not space efficient! So here goes my square and rectangle picture post: a snippet of my life since the year started.

2-month cough: we don't see God in our darkness, but He is still there. 

Tuition With Love: Gabriel being a teacher to Max! I am very proud of him. Love that I've seen him through his shy, fun, annoying, naughty and good times.

A bunch of kids I've grown to love over the past year. Appreciate our church so much to live out our mission of impacting lives through the love of God

First bouquet of flowers from a boy. It is sweet in many ways, but mostly because he finds flowers to be impractical, but yet worth all that impracticality

One of those morning brunches, where the rain is trickling outside and you're still happy even though your plans to take a walk have been thwarted

This was our "break fast" after 3 days of smoothie/juice fasting in the office! I must say, it was a fun time of going crazy and drinking strange smelling spinach drinks. Been great with my funny partners + Jo 

Nutella, you've nailed it with your new marketing ploy.

Though our relationship with each other go high and low sometimes, these are the 2 people I will love dearly in my life. We had peking duck here!!! mmm oishi.

Sorry, but we're just too lame around each other.

Taking a photo with very eligible singles.

Yay, a rekindled friendship from Sec 1! Still the same feisty, something so comforting about a shared memory.

Retard who appeared in my face as a french maiden, almost couldn't recognise her.

Ooo, lookie! A huge brinjal! Stop what you're eating and look at my prized find of the day prease.

This is Bloomsbury Bakers, the brainchild of my best friend, whom I've seen through from 13 till now. And having known her for half my life, It's amazing to see childhood dreams come to fruition.

This was a day that a couple of friends decided to dedicate their lives to the couch. Sleep, Eat, Watch movie, repeat. What a life. Awesome day, but only so in rarity.

Brunch day with fionaaaa pohpoh. :) One happy day with 2 awesome people.

Easter sunday: <3 God loves us all. That is all!

And since yesterday: the best 3 months with you ever!

Time to be out!

What is Love

The depths of the journey is more important than its end. Is especially true in relationships. During service last Sunday, I remember the guest speaker mentioned about how even as there may be external pull factors tempting one into gratifying our physical and emotional desires elsewhere, knowing that you have gone through the best and worst of your life together and supported each other is the foundation of commitment to one another. I thought, what is the end in marriages anyway? Sex? Children? A house? Double portion of assets? Going by how it's actually easier to get these things without going through the emotional investment in a relationship and the legal investment of that piece of paper, they all didn't make sense to me.

In the past year, it's definitely been a whirlwind for Han Yang and I. This sense of guardedness on both sides, second guessing each other, being excessively cordial, seeing the less savoury parts of each other - try as I might, I couldn't imagine God not being in this picture. For every time we talked things through, every time we clarified - humility, openness, honesty and love brought us to a common point where we grew to trust each other because we attested to each other's accountability to God. Only after spiritual intimacy, did emotional intimacy grow. A strange start to a relationship but something that I am thankful to God for. And with this decision to take the next step of commitment towards each other, on top of the excitement in getting to know this strange but funny boy even better, I hope that the kind of love that exists between us will know no boundaries when it comes to loving and serving others.

One of the few photos that we've ever took. We need to keep more memories!

Love is cheesy. And very often, bashful. Hehe.

Nature, Nurture, or Bible?

Watched this a couple of years back, and whether anot it painted the reality of whether this truly epitomises the Chinese society, I thought it a good socio-commentary at least on the relationship between individual, family and society. How each influences the other, and vice versa. At the end of the day, I realise, how much an individual allows different institutions to influence him in (negative) social mores could be due to a number of factors:

1) Not realising that such a relationship exists (Ignorance, lack of education to think critically)

2) Not having a sense of right or wrong (Of which, I'm inclined to question if one possesses full maturity of his mental faculties)

3) The age in which they are socialised (The younger, the more susceptible)

Result of post-Maoism China, I believe, is a generation that believes in clenching onto newly found democracy (and meritocracy, which ever the context applies), yet as a result of the gaping hole of faith in which it had so readily purged back in the 70s, gives rise to it (democracy or meritocracy) in a ruthless form. Communism without faith gave rise to Maoism. Democracy without faith, I feel, might be slightly better given the underlying principles of justice and equality, but is just as dirty and slanderous.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter which political climate we live in, I think the only thing that could save us from (1) Not realising truth, and (2) Not knowing moral truth, is the presence of an anchor of which we derive these truths from. We could always choose to go with the flow and we could always choose to go against the grain. It is the presence of knowing unfailing truth that makes these decisions much simpler.

Perspective in light of reading The Heavenly Man. The kinda book that gives me heart palpitations and cry both tears of sadness and joy as I read Brother Yun's testimonies of witness to Christ. Kudos to the people who stand firm and believe in the miracles of our God Almighty!

Sponges

We assign value to the things that fall under the school of thought of which we've chosen to view the world through. It is imperative that we then also grow that view both horizontally and vertically.

And occassionally, when we chance upon a different other, we take on the lenses of some one else momentarily, and realise the myriad occurance in perceptions of the human condition, and give thanks that God made us heterogeneous.

At the end of the day, we still oscillate back to the same old school of thought, the one in which we have chosen to be us; that we have defined our identity with. But no one can deny that we've changed - if not transformed, but maybe just a little. That's the beauty of how human interactions allow cross disciplinary ideas to take root - the only way in which we can earn a fraction of how God sees the universe. (honestly, the only way in which humans can move beyond relying too much on a particular discipline to grow a particular aspect of society)

-----

Falling in love with magazine subscriptions on the kindle. It's amazing(pun) how fast a want translates to a have in a matter of seconds. Oh, but buy me a lifetime of subscriptions please.

1- Choice is an active sought after His will.

22 September 2013

"Where shall we go, to a land faraway?"

You hold the world in Your hand. A world of endless possibilities- and sometimes having too many choices gives one diminishing returns. Picking a country for STM is a very good example (in the literal sense). But at the same time, it feels like it all happened in a jiffy- going for missions festival and not knowing where to start(another story to tell in itself), but yet wanting it to be something of His will. 

中国新 got me a little more excited somehow. There was a trip (Xiamen) happening around the time HY and I were free. Given the period, it was a toss up between Cambodia (Crystal's LG was planning a trip) and China. I was rather glad that it got cut down to just these 2 Cs. Initially rather impartial, but somehow, praying more has had my heart drawn more towards China. Maybe because I was from a chinese school (sad experience there with the mother tongue then though), maybe because I did a short student exchange in China back in high school and thus feeling some sort of affinity, but maybe it was reactionary having watched an indie documentary entitled 班长 (detailing how values were socialised in kids at a young age, a thoroughly disgusting (and hopefully, larger than life) depiction of the breakdown of social values in the Chinese society), or maybe it was just because I'm Chinese afterall. I didn't really pray for a confirmation, but oscillated strangely to where my heart led me to.

Within 2 weeks, flights were booked, whatsapp group conversations ensued, efforts to get together began. 

A 4 day trip- What could we do in such a short time?

Age. Aged.

“Her delight in the smallest things was like that of a child. There were days when she ran in the 
garden, like a child of ten, after a butterfly or a dragon-fly. This courtesan who had cost more 
money in bouquets than would have kept a whole family in comfort, would sometimes sit on the 
grass for an hour, examining the simple flower whose name she bore.” 

― Alexandre Dumas-fils, La Dame aux Camélias

1700 days later, and I'm not sure where to find that part of me any longer- the urge to play a prank, wishful for a silly joke, the want to muse at life's perfection in its imperfections. I guess I still do so now, but with my mind wrapping a cruel sheet over the pure heart, trampling its innocence, muffling its ability to just appreciate the world as it is.

But oh, how the heart aches to find that space to breathe, and to be free once again.

God, would you help me through this?

And between now and then.

My last dated entry (28 September) till now, it's been almost 2 months. I'm at lost as to where to start. The gist of it, probably the eventful ones that sparked off some sort of spiritual hunger/re-evaluation/prayer within me.

1) STM happened
2) Han Yang left for overseas for a month
3) Busy period/loads of major refocusing at work
4) Gong gong got hospitalised for a pretty major operation

I think when you squish all 4 events together it is a pretty major disruption to my life, cos it constitutes just about all aspects of my life- ministry, love, work and family. (Haha, okay am glad friends remained the constant, not that we met up often these 2 months!)

1) STM: Ended up in Suzhou. Definitely a trip that I saw God's hand at and saw His love for the people of China. It's just amazing being part of the experience of Paul's prayer for the Ephesians. At the same time, a personal transformation within me as I reflect, on hindsight, how God has grown my heart to realise the importance of the Great Commission and how I really want to be a part of it as well. Have decided to share this all in prose.

2) Absence: I think the STM trip was definitely a great way that HY and I got to understand more of one another (perspectives about doing missions, how we serve, the way we work through disagreements and misunderstandings.) And then of course, the one month apart which I felt was a good time to re-evaluate things between us. (Though, I do think that other than being physically apart and thus having a new physical space was good for him to pluck himself out of the busyness to think more/experience more of God, that we still continued doing our weekly catchups and all which was nice. So it wasn't really so much of less facetime that fueled these new insights but a different physical space. New perspectives are yey!) But, yes, I really did kinda miss seeing his funny face weekly. Haha.

3) Work: Crazy month of training (which made me stop to think whether I can persist with such a lifestyle, and it wasn't even half of how much Jo probably feels heading most of the programmes.) But aye, when something fuels and energises you mentally, but yet drains you physically, what does one do? Anyway, refocusing the business to technology next year. I'm in the midst of praying through this one.

4) Gong gong: His health hasn't been tiptop of late, which sent family into a frenzy. I'm pretty emotionally attached to gong gong, went back 2 times to visit him. Both trips left me emotionally exhausted, cried loads of tears while praying for him. Spent 2 nights at the hospital and I think we grew closer through that experience, of just sitting beside him, talking, moving him into comfortable positions on bed up, turning him once every 2 hours, feeding him water every hour, calling on the nurse whenever something beeped (and my mom is indeed a superwoman cus she has been taking care of him for the past month). I'm well aware that God's been nudging me to share the gospel with him (even to the extent of preparing me linguistically by plonking me in Suzhou for 5 days), and there have been opportunities where we talk about grandma, the fragility of life and his worries where I know this is where I should come in with a Bible verse, or begin to explain who Jesus is, but I just don't know how to start. urh. I guess I'm grateful that he allows me to pray for him (he teared when I last prayed for him, I know God is doing something in his heart.). Small steps but I gotta be less fearful!

Have decided, in this month leading up to Christmas, to do a fast and extended time of prayer for these 4 aspects (That, and friends too). Wanna hear more from him, ultimately as I realise more and more how everything fits into the bigger picture of pleasing and glorifying Him.

(Check out this space more often, I want to share more about this period of fast and extended prayer too.)

Heart of Worship

keeping check on this exploration with Han Yang. i think the one thing i truly desire, is to steer us in the direction of a respectful and God-led friendship. there are times where i ask myself whether i should be sharing certain things- is it the right time to share, is it my own desires speaking that lead us into premature emotional intimacy, or will it lead to the breaking down of lies from years of unspoken assumptions and unasked questions, threshing through walls between us that, on the contrary, draws us closer to Him. or, perhaps it is just a fear of being vulnerable and powerless that i withhold what could potentially cause a breakthrough. it's a fine line, but i am learning to tread it. loving right is always a tricky pursuit.

and in the midst of these prayers to depend fully on Him (because my heart is truly deceitful and weak), that we talk more, pray more, inspire more, serve more, grow more, commit more to building His church.

i've learnt that commitment really isn't just all about setting aside time to serve, it is living in the presence of the spirit and hosting this presence for others. and it is clear- i want my life to be all about that.

all of it. through mountain highs and valley lows.