More of You, less of me.

2015.

was an extremely trying year. 

i was stretched. pushed out of my comfort zone. given responsibilities that i would have liked to push away. had a huge chunk of my time taken up by work, questioned my purpose repeatedly, even as God continued to show it to me. knowing myself, I honestly don't think I could have lasted through without hanging on to that sliver of knowledge that He was sovereign in my life. there were days I refused to pray. I was so upset that i was being pushed to my limits, and as a result, not getting chances to spend time on the things that mattered - ironically - time with God, han yang, my family and friends, interests - that I got angry at Him. why put me in a job to go through such task-consuming and sometimes meaningless tasks when there were so many other pressing things in life to think about - ushering the people out there who were desperate to find hope and love in life an inch closer to what they needed?

i've seen brokenness in life. if only a fraction compared to worse situations out there, i lived through brokenness myself for 8 years. the heaviness of that emptiness, thinking that life was meaningless, and humans were nothing but a self-glorifying bunch; it sickened me. of course, outwardly, it never seemed to be that bad. i was materially sufficient, and seemed like i had it all together.

i was extremely miserable. My mind was a battlefield where negativity shrouded my every thought. i was angry, depressed, and had no control in my life despite seeing bits and pieces of hope here and there.  

i confess, i think if i came from a normal and happier family, it would probably have been an easier time for me. i'm probably that individual with 2 short alleles of the 5-HTT gene that you study in psych. i thrived on stability and a loving environment, and crumbled without its existence. days of refuge in my room and living in fear - oh how i do not want to relive those moments. i only have God to thank that He saw me through with below expected but decent grades throughout these years, enough for me to pull through to be where i am now.

when you have been through this, and you learn of hope, of the existence of God and his son Jesus who loves you so much as to die for you - you cling on to that knowledge like you haven't had water in 40 days.

and when you've experienced unmerited grace - you can't stop yourself from being thankful. that was the beginning of how i crawled out of depression and hopelessness. little by little, i got healed. little by little, i began to find desire to love life, to be thankful for who i was, to see beauty in imperfections, and to embrace my painful past to look forward to greater things in the future.

the truth is that I have a story to tell. i have a story of love and hope.

and the sheer heaviness of work has drained away a huge part of the time, and desire to do so.

but i know, it's something that needs to be worked out. that in spite of such difficulties in life, it never changes who God is, and the fact that He is my saviour. He is the reason why I no longer teem with anger at the littlest things, He is the reason why I'm no longer unreasonably skeptical and spiteful towards anything I could possibly find fault with, He is the reason why I'm free from past hurts that bounded me in chains of regret and unforgiveness.

Positive change doesn't take place without some pain. He wants to mould my character, and there are still disciplines and skillsets He wants me to build up through this job. Only God knows where i will end up in a few years' time, but I would like to relish in what i'm given right now.

Keep calm, and look up.

prayer - the first key to this year.
2016, I'm ready.

I hope to do a photo recap of the year when I find some time!