Some things, you lose to gain

Luke 22:42 - "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." 

i believe on the day we accept the Lord and so occurred to us the presence of light and darkness, we were probably marked on Satan's blacklist. i've been tracing back on my past, and it has hit me, that it really was right about the time i accepted God, 10 years ago, that i started to let go of my own will to let the tirades of life push/pull me along.

perhaps i belong to the odd minority of humanity, for my will was not that i wanted things my way, but that i recognised that i had a will but couldn't be bothered to take control of it. the greatest lie probably ever told to me was that i could lose control of what was happening to me, and let my life be controlled by fate. or possibly that divinity would look after me. or possibly that being anti-establishment was the easy way out of not desiring achievements in life.

so as much as i had let passivity gotten the better of me, it turns out that divinity did see me through these years. the point of turning back to God saw a confluence of many reasons, one of which, was recognising that the only reason i had managed to pull through life since drawing away from Him, given minimal effort on my part, that it was high time i acknowledged His blessings and stop being an ingrate.

God helps those who can't help themselves.
God helps those who can help themselves.
God helps those who can't be bothered to help themselves. (guilty as charged)

the idea here is this -
given how selfish we all are, God loves us all the same anyway. so much that He gave us the freedom of choice hoping that one day we would come to yield to Him when we start loving Him too. all these under the wings of His protection.

the question now is -
do i wanna continue shortchanging Him by just scraping through life, yearning for these cheap thrills of blessings, without first willing myself to put my all in what i do?

first, break me out of the mindset that anything that requires discomfort is beneath my mediocre, carefree life.

so done with this part of me.

Endless light

it's been 4 days since popo passed on.
there are mornings i sit in bed praying
wondering where she is
could i have done anything differently
there are nights that i'm awakened by gong gong
standing over her. breaks my heart.

i know Your ways are higher than our ways.
i continue to pray for popo to rest in peace.

john 4:14

my one fear in life, is that I do not do the things I do with the root of a heart conviction. to me, a mind conviction is a flow of logical thought processes that i was trained and conditioned to make choices in life. that of which the world teaches us to do.

mind convictions worked in my life for the short term. a project or a major exam, i could put in my 100% and saw through them. they never worked for long term commitments like random CCAs, being consistent in my school work, interests. on the contrary, the only heart convictions i've seen through is my commitment to follow God and music.

which was why when i was repeatedly brought to question the consistency of my spiritual habits, i actually did know what the right thing to do was. which was of course,

more prayer + bible study → know God's character more → make Godly decisions in line with His Kingdom

uh, yeahhhh.
today i realised how much of a silly i am.

i'm not just reading about a God to know Him more.
i'm meeting Him, i am talking to Him, i am listening to Him.

who am i to confess that He is Lord and that i love Him and am in a relationship with Him when i don't even take the effort to meet and talk and listen to Him? if i could make it a point to meet my family and friends because i love and care for them, then what more God, whom i've chosen to follow?

this is my heart conviction:
prayer + bible study → meet and talk to God, the love of my life → understand His ways and His character more → love Him even more → wanna serve Him and His people even more


i confess that i love God above all,
but my actions thus far have shown otherwise.

the great gatsby

concluding thoughts from the movie:

themes discussed could seem larger than life (or not, perhaps in part living in a privileged and sheltered world), but no matter, the darkness of the fallen world is always relatable. the fact that we humans get so disconnected with our sins of pride, greed, gluttony..etc, is something i recognise and am both repulsed by at the same time. i.e. we are still the same people who spat at and sent Jesus to the cross.

crowd pursuit of the material dream is a universal delusion of how we've managed to believe in lies that we are living right in a world of fallen standards. a scary thought and definitely much reason to pray about.

and,
mutual indispensability is romantic. (the notebook)
unrequited indispensability (coupled with perceived mutual indispensability) is cruelly delusional and sad. (the great gatsby)

matthew 25:33

i've uncovered the key to the long distance race.

focus on being faithful, not fruitful.

we be faithful.
and the fruits of faithfulness are for God to bear.

now the question is, how.
be back soon with the answer!