forgiveness

It's easy to become parched. Work for 10-12 hour days, weeks on end. Spend more than 2 hours packed like sardines on the train everyday. Crash when you get home, with work nagging at the back of your mind.

That's my life right now.

Just as an exercise of self-reflection, I put my 22 year old self into the situation I am in right now- the self that had yet to know God.

I think I would probably have spiralled into depression at the aimlessness of life.

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But even after knowing God, it's still a struggle when life overtakes you.

It's easy to lose focus. 

We all need something to get us through days, even as we may have a bigger picture in mind. For me, I know the reason why God put me at my workplace.

But when I started to spend less time with Him, I also started to derive satisfaction from cheap substitutes throughout the day. Not only that, I became more impatient, and lost my sense of empathy. My mind/second nature probed me to help, but my senses were numb; compassion lost. 

It's been a while now.

On thursday night, I just felt lousy.

As I made the decision to spend some time to worship him, this song came on, and the verses mirrored completely my thoughts/emotions. 

When it got to the chorus, I cried a puddle of tears as I got down on my knees, and repented for being steeped in my own desires, for letting Him down. 

And I ask you

How many times will you pick me up

When I keep on letting you down

And each time I will fall short of your glory

How far will forgiveness abound?

And You answer, “My child, I love you
And as long as you’re seeking My face
You’ll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace.”

Your kindness leads me to repentance.

Just eternally thankful that I've an Almighty Father who sees me not for the things that I do, but who I am to Him - His daughter.

the reality of dreams

my life has been madness!

it is so mad that i've decided not to bother with sentence case in this post.

first of all, i am extremely upset at the state of my room right now. no, disturbed. having these long nights out at work/ church-related stuff/ meetups do not help either. i need to take some rest, and do some clearing up of my room. and soul.

second of all, the beginning of work has marked the mortality of sleep for me. i've been busy. overlaps of deadlines of multiple projects. though, i must say, i really like research. just not the whole managing of projects part. i'm extremely bad with managing multiple to-dos and things always slip through my pea brain. but that is something i want to get better at. for a while, i struggled with being efficient. compartmentalisation of thoughts have helped, but could get way better.

third, i've said this countless of times, but i really need to spend some time in God's presence. of course, i still am reminded of Him throughout the day and as i go about making the many decisions in life. but i've not had time to soak in His presence, just enjoying some alone time talking to Him. prayer of late has been a one-way communication where i just assert my requests and do not even wait for Him to speak. and those are only in desperate times. the rest of the time, i just knock out at the end of the day. see, even the way i write has been stripped bare and flowers have wilted in paragraphs and i no longer write as poetic as i used to. communing with God will bring back that beauty in life.

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felt a little emotional while worshipping Him this saturday. it was after 2 sleepless nights of subtitling and attempting to export serene's wedding video from final cut pro (which had me on my toes till 9 a.m. on the morning of the wedding, freaking out and making last minute plans to do a raw preview directly from my comp. next time, plan ahead for contingencies as such. but thank you God for showing up; my desperate pleas must have been heard by You.). i had not much strength to even lift my hands to sing, but in those weak moments that i felt my physical body was going to cave, i seriously felt thankful to God for sustaining me through the week.

sermon this week was also insightful. the preacher covered some interesting points to reflect upon our speech, not so much as a reflection of who people would think we are, but the motivations and intentions behind speech. reflection was not so much upon my speech, but more upon my actions. well, to cut things short, i realised that not all pure-intentioned actions are good, as how not all good actions are pure-intentioned. i guess in the former, that requires communication, and in the latter, a distillation of motivations. interesting thought that i will keep in mind in the next few days.

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in this week, i'm thankful for family who keep me grounded in life. doing simple things like celebrating papa's birthday with him, bantering and discussing life with the siblings, being able to sit down on sunday afternoons to chat with mi mama and papa, it's a great feeling!

han yang has been a great pillar of support- sitting by watching the bags while i filmed last sunday, putting his god-speed typing skills to good use by transcribing the video in 15 mins (or less), spending our lunch time at the printer's, going down to the florist to pick up flowers together with me (and knowing the essentials of flower arrangement - what a rare breed), accompanying me to the church the day before to help in decorations. in what were once one-man experiences, made much more fun in his presence. to see him lay down his what-could-have-been-more-productively spent time with me, i've felt blessed beyond measure.

han yang gifted me red roses/white eustoma combi on my birthday, which was also polling day. also because i really love Singapore (he knows me best)! (am holding off any comments that points towards my political preferences here because i don't want to simplify such a complex conclusion over a photo of me awing at flowers hehe)

 i got to spend last sunday with my christmas family :) oh, this joy could bury, 10-fold, any magnitude of festered sadness.

Reason to Sing

I've had a love affair with sewing since home econs back in 2001 (I am ancient). Since I didn't have a sewing machine at home, I would sneak into the sewing room by removing those layered window panes and climbing in during recess and after school to work on sewing projects.

Then when I was 17, my mum finally bought me a sewing machine! I had oodles of fun with it and went crazy with it! Kept buying cloth and zips from Chinatown and experimenting with inner linings (which are the prettiest details ever). I should have taken more pictures of those things I sewed, mostly tote bags, pouches, pencil cases, even PVC bi-fold wallets!

I even sewed my own school bag.

This is the best picture I could find, it was a desigual-esque patchwork cos I was super into bohemian/flower prints/crazy prints/batik then

These are some stuff I sewed for a carnival.

If you can see what's in the picture,  those on the bottom right were pacman PVC pencil cases which I was very proud of. I was super into clear stuff then but wanted to change things up a little bit. I binded my own notebooks too! Fun days.

Then my sewing machine went bonkers :( First the bulb blew, then bobbin winder stopped working and I had to wind it manually.

I was not happy with this machine.

And then one day, I happily chanced upon a lady demonstrating a Singer sewing machine. She stepped on the pedal, and without using her hands, the cloth was sewing parallel to the seams! I was shocked, I've never thought it was so easy to sew, because my machine can never sew straight without my hands guiding it.

From then on, I vowed that Singer shall be my next baby.

Soon enough, the bobbin threads started to run everywhere and then one day the machine just got stuck and couldn't be repaired. I was sad and grieved its demise, but excited that I could get a new one!

Was procrastinating on this for the longest time when Val messaged me last week with a photo of her new sewing machine.

And with renewed motivation, I went out to get one over the weekend!

This baby shall sing together with me :)

Life, for lack of a better title

Too busy to update, but here are some snippets of my life in the past few weeks(?), or months. Not in chronological order:

Qinpei is holding a bottle of oil in the MRT, and we have just received fresh, to anoint our places of influence. Hmm, what is conclusive?

A couple of girls delighted to be gifted koala/kangaroo key rings, proceed to adorn them fingers.

The subject of my distress on a saturday night upon hearing from Weiwen that she has seen 3 cases of brain infection from eating raw fish!!??!?!?!?!

Mr Lau looking his usual suave self at his brother's wedding.

My brother likes to send me pictures of dogs that he grooms at work. This was entitled "Chicken".

It was a pleasure serving the most high King at conference.

My ever faithful lifegroup.

After a report-filled day, I texted HY to tell him that I felt nauseous from the report-typing. He decided to get me sour plums (+ accompany me on the bus ride for music practice!)

heehee<3, this is one boy whom I really treasure.

Pop Pilates!

I've always been a believer of keeping fit. Not so much to the extent of being a fitness nut/guru like the ones you see on Instagram, but it is always a good feeling to start/end the day with a nice and refreshing work out. Contrary to how we think exercise tires one out, when done at the right intensity and frequency, it is extremely refreshing and gives me energy for the day.

Over the last 11 years, I've managed to routinely intersperse running, swimming and badminton as part of a weekly/bi-weekly regime. Things were so easy in school where there was a gym and pool. But as I started work, it was extremely hard to drag my tired body at the end of the day for a full-on cardio workout. For a while, I was extremely unfit and constantly prey to the flu bug and cough monster. After quitting my previous job, I decided that I wanted to feel healthy again, and following the advice of my sister who stretches every day, I chanced upon pilates! 

I initially thought it was an extremely pointless form of exercise. No sweating during exercise = time wasted. The first encounter I had with pilates was at the start of my internship in India where Joyce introduced me to an extremely boring series of pilates videos when we were trying to figure out how best to keep fit in a place where curry and biyani more or less made up our daily meals. I eventually did not buy into it and ended up running every morning on our roof top.

Fast forward to these past couple of working years, I was getting constant back aches from being at the desk most of the time and remembered that my spine doctor had advised me to swim and do stretching. So I decided to find an exercise that I could do in the comfort and convenience of my own home. I did some research, chanced upon Cassey Ho's videos and loved them! She's humorous, entertaining, encouraging, relatable, has extremely pretty backdrops and does these less than 10 minute clips for target spots, so it's perfect for people like me who needs things straight to the point. I've been doing it for some time now and have more or less settled on a fixed routine. I especially like the stretches to relieve lower back pain at the end of the set!

I find pilates really helps me to train my core muscles and tone up the different areas, which is great cos running just burns fats and doesnt do much toning. Toning makes you look fit and good, and overall, less effort exerted for physical stuff.

I've also been trying to train myself to do splits and other more fancy stuff. Heh, maybe check back here in a few months for some progress update?

A girl could dream

I'd be the world's happiest girl if I ever get the honour of catching this great man live in action!

For now, I will stick to my spotify playlist :X.

What being in CO for 15 years taught me

One of few liuqin concertos. Lovely. And I miss playing in an orchestra so much. As much as I love singing and it speaks to my soul, it is plain music of the heart when I listen to these nostalgic tunes. It goes deep. It is knowing how much effort goes into the interaction of musical notes from the different instruments, having gone through hours, days, weeks, even months perfecting a song, learning how vital each and every instrument is to the weaving of intricate sounds, growing up and breathing chinese music, the constant from primary school all the way up to Uni, that this is a part of me that nothing can take away.

Today, papa said "There is no fun in studying. There are some things in life that you just have to get into your head by pure effort and putting in the time to master. And in those times, it isn't fun at all." A few years ago, the idealistic me might have begged to differ, protesting loudly at the rigidity of old minds like his who had such a fixed way of what it meant to learn. Today, I nodded vehemently. A few years of roughing it out and I've finally realised- I know there are ways of learning that could make learning interesting and more "fun". But ultimately, when the rubber hits the road for real learning to take place, you just gotta put in your time and effort to internalise these things.

What has that gotta do with CO?

I look back on this part of my life with fondness now, but I know that practices were nowhere near "fun" back in the day. Of course, there was the company and slogging it away with the fellow peers who made practices so much better, but the gist of practices was: we practised, and practised, and practised. We could practise 10 bars of a song for 3 hours and not get it right, then get forced to play them individually so that the instructor knew who was the one dragging everyone down. We practised till our fingers split and bled. It was a true horror story of how we committed 3 - 5 days of 8 hour sessions every week during the school holidays when we could have just rested at home if it had been a slacker CCA. 

So why did we subject ourselves to this pure torture?

Because... for one, these split fingers- they healed. And callouses formed. That was a defining chapter for us. Hooray to callouses! We could finally practise without fear of our fingers splitting! 

Secondly, when the orchestra came together for combined, and after many many many practices of making instruments interact with each other for what we have practised during the sectionals, the music was heavenly. It was what we lived for. We memorised by heart, bits of pieces in the song that we loved, we even verbally sang our parts when we gathered for lunch. 

This is how I learnt about life. The Generation Y in me cries out in protest. I want things done fast and quick, I want to get somewhere high up there without trying too hard and getting hurt. I realise today, that my chapter with chinese music instilled an iron in me.

A revelation that I couldn't have come to, given my stubbornness, without God.

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.  

Job 23:10

Grow me, but stay close to me God, for I can't do this without You! :) 

All set

What is it that I want to be moulded in this year? Reminded of God's kindness this weekend. And God's kindness always leads to repentance. My heart was filled with so much gratitude as I stood at the alter, wanting more of the Holy Spirit to be in my life.

I would like Him to transform my habits this year. Simple things like sticking to good habits like waking up early and not needing to have a breathless start to the day, spending some time of the day talking to God, sharpening my mind by being disciplined with what I've set out to learn, making exercise a routine part of my week, being faithful with my relationships at home and with my friends.

It starts this week! 6.30 a.m. days for pilates and praying. And HS, guide me!

Reliving Memes

Question memes used to be super popular. I haven't done them in a while, and I think they have ceased to be memes, because people just don't pass them around anymore. But just because it's a friday night, and I'm at home winding down from my first full week at work, this (un)meme seems to be the most exciting thing I want to do right now:


What hair color looks best on you and what's your natural color? 

I haven't gone beyond a lighter shade of brown, which isn't much deviation from my original hair colour (brown). For a period of time I had tried to do jet black (think purple black) hair. But somehow my hair always seemed to fade back to its dark brown. I now think au natural looks the best (and easiest to maintain).

Do you tan easily? 

Unfortunately, yes. Though I am fair by standards.

What is your favorite show to watch? 

Right now, Fresh Off The Boat! But for something more evergreen, it's probably Planet Earth, Brainiac, National Geographic and the different versions of Hana Yori Dango (Taiwanese, Japanese, Korean).

What is your favorite perfume/candle fragrance? 

I have a few. Zara's textures, Body Shop's White Musk, Kenzo's Flower.

Do you want to kiss anyone right now? 

I think we are all human.

What was in your last meal? 

I had a McNugget Happy Meal with some salmon avocado sushi from Ichiban. It was a wind down meal, yum.

Do you sing? 

Yes, and I love it!

Do you wear necklaces? 

I used to wear this gold necklace with a key, but the clasp broke and I never got around to bringing it to the jeweller's. Other than that, sometimes I wear if it fits the outfit.

How many piercings do you have (if any)? 

Now, 2 on my ears. In my uni years and eager to try crazy things, I had a nose and a secret tongue piercing for several months (at separate times.)

Do you blush easily? 

Not really, though I am pretty shy.

Have you ever broken a bone? 

Hairline crack on my left arm on my first day at gymnastics class because I went over a gym ball and fell on my left arm.

Are you an artist/writer? 

I guess I could consider myself a leisure artist and writer. It is through doing crafts and writing that I connect well with my thoughts and emotions.

Do you play an instrument? 

Yep, the guitar, piano (floundering though with chord progressions), the 阮 (one of my first loves, but of which I've neglected for some time) and 柳琴 (too tiny and high pitched, it probably sounds the best with the orchestra).

Are you in love? If so, does the one you love know? 

Yes, I am, unabashedly! And though it was a long time coming, he knows, every day. And it grows deeper. (If you're reading this Han Yang, I love you!)

Do you smoke cigarettes? 

Nope.

Are your maternal/parental instincts strong? 

It didn't use to be, but I do think age has done something to surface these instincts.

Do you feel confident in your body image? 

Yes, I'm happy with the way I look.

Are you flexible? 

A few have told me that I am, but I just feel creakier with age.

Do you like to dance? 

I think most of my dancing stints have gone wrong because I have very bad motor memory.

Has anyone ever called you ugly? 

Not that I know of.

Have you ever cheated on someone? 

No.

Have you ever been arrested? 

Nope.

Favorite pair of shoes? 

Right now, it's my black Jelly Bunny shoes, which are extremely versatile and still looks pretty formal despite being rubber. I wear them almost everyday. I am also trying to find an occasion to wear my Feiyue sneakers, which arrived in the mail a while back. I adore how they look!

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Okay, I'm having fun, so here's another:

Would You Rather
Pierce your nose or your tongue? 

Have done both. I think I prefer nose. Since I don't have to contend with problems eating cos my tongue hurts. (Though I did contend with other problems like digging my nose, but it wasn't something I had to do frequently.)

Drink whole or skimmed milk? 

Whole milk FTW. Skimmed milk tastes like white water.

Die in a fire or drowning?

Um, can I say none? Both are extremely tragic ways to pass on.

Spend time with your parent(s) or enemies?
Parents of course! This meme might be targeted at angsty teens.

Are You?
Simple or complicated? 

I think quite complicated, though I do attempt to be simple.

Tall or short?

Pretty short. 

Right handed or left handed?
Right

A lover of music or a lover of books?
I am a fervent fan of both, and they each hold so much significance in my life!


Do You Prefer
Flowers or sweets?

Um, is that a question? Give me a bunch of lovely blooms any day.

Grey or black?

Black. It's versatile.

Color photos or black-and-white photos?

I fancy both for different moods. I like coloured photos cross processed, faded, highly contrasted or filtered, and there's some thing romantic about B&W.

Sunrise or sunset?

Sunset, because I am a late riser and will get cranky if I have to wake up just to watch an everyday phenomenon.

M&Ms or Skittles?
M&Ms. Chocolates over candy.

Staying up late or waking up early? 

I tend to stay up late, but I really prefer waking up early. As my dad always said "早睡早起身体好"(One of his pet phrases).

Sun or moon?
Sun, because it serves a practical purpose.

Winter or Autumn?
Autumn over winter please, I don't wanna freeze.

10 acquaintances or 2 best friends?
2 best friends.

Rainy or sunny?
Sunny when out, rainy when in.

Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?
Strawberry?

Vodka or Jack?
Neither. How about some Moscato from Brown Brothers! Or some whiskey, HY's pick.


About You
Name?

I'd rather my blog not appear on Google search engines.

Nicknames?

Sins, Huisin, Safety Pin, Halibut, Cherry Blossom, 开心果

When is your birthday?
A sad day for Americans.

What do you want?

A life surrounded by people I love, doing things that challenge and fulfil me and helping people know true Love.

How many kids do you want?

Min. 2, Max 3

What would you name a girl? What would you name a boy?

Haven't thought of it, but I would like them to be meaningful chinese names.

You want to get married?
Yes of course :)

What kind of music do you like?
I don't listen to a particular genre, but I love acoustic covers.

Unique
Nervous habits?

I don't look the person in the eye, or be quieter than my usual self.

Are you double-jointed?
What's that?! 

Can you roll your tongue?

Yes, I can roll my tongue into a flower too.

Can you raise one eyebrow?
I think so. (I just tried it in front of the mirror.)

Can you cross your eyes?

Yes


Random
Which shoe goes on first? 

The left. I also always put the left side of my contacts on, and draw the left side of my eyebrow and eyelid first when doing makeup.

Ever thrown something at someone?

Yes, many times. Especially back in school.

On average, how much money do you carry with you?
Always $40, cos I don't like drawing $50 and having to break the note.

What jewelry do you wear?
I used to wear tons of costume jewelry in younger days, especially during my indian/hippie fashion phase (bangles and toe rings!). Upon aging, I've mellowed down and now prefer classic looks. It's almost always just a pair of earrings, unless I find occasion for a necklace or a jade bangle. And I really like pearls!

Do you twirl or cut spaghetti?
Twirl! I'm aghast. Who wastes time cutting spaghetti?!?!?!

Have you ever eaten Spam?

Yes, and I like it!

Favorite ice cream?
I used to really like ice cream. To the point where I made ice cream and wanted to set up an ice cream cafe. But my sweet tooth seems to have weaned. 

How many kinds of cereal are in your cupboard?
None! I used to love Post's and Marks & Spencer ones. See, no sweet tooth anymore.

Last
Car ride?

Huiyi's when she gave me a lift home.

Song played?

No idea! My ipod's been playing lotsa podcasts of late.

Person you saw?

Papa

Time you cried?

Um, yesterday when I read an article and cried on the MRT on the way to work. Don't ask me how and why. I can't control my tear ducts and it's embarrassing sometimes.

In fact, today I saw an old man who reminded me of Gong gong and the next moment, it felt like something bored a hole in my heart and I really really wanted to have him next to me. I guess it is in these moments that I'm comforted knowing that he is in heaven with Jesus, so this emptiness I feel is rather transient.

Shall end off on a happier note with a random picture that I found today:

This was what, 9 years ago?!?!?! These boys are now mature young men, towering wayyyy above me. I must say, those were happy times!

Just a little frivolous moment.

Follow Hui Xin's board white/lace on Pinterest.

There is something about white that intrigues me. Clean, pure, canvas-like, perhaps. But a good ol' white outfit always streamlines a look, and lace adds a subtle complicated touch. I love it so much! It has gotten to the point where my wardrobe has every form of article in white, and whenever I'm out I look to expand it further.

I love white, and more so white lace! And as though my predominantly white room is not enough, I'm going to line the glass of my book cabinets with lace. Hooray!