i thought i would update more in this space, but IG has made me incredibly lazy in documenting my life here. it has been a whirlwind being in D.C. these past 2 years; a period of new experiences and realignment of life priorities.. i've finally had the space to breathe, catch up on sleep, spend (a lot of) time with han yang, being at one with nature, dip my feet into new hobbies and read more, and it was been a refreshing season.
though, i wouldn't say i've been the most focused. there are definitely things that i wish could come quicker. success is one of them. i have plans to do more with pottery and when you are building a brand, the toughest part to get over is the building stage where you don't see much fruits of the labor. many things i wish i could do simultaneously and quicker too. i know it's one of those things that i gotta be consistent with. i get distracted with a lot of other engagements; discipline is the theme of the year- in making, posting, creating, building. that's my main goal of the year, together with another goal of being more financially-savvy.
..and one other thing that i've prioritised this year (and perhaps in years to come) is a baby lol WHAT.
my burgeoning bump from 2nd to the beginning of 3rd trimester, already causing neck/ backaches & sleepless nights.
actually, i still can't believe that i'm gonna be a mum.
for the longest time, i didn't want to give up my freedom. my growing up years weren't the happiest with a lot of home drama/ instability while i was desperately learning who i was. in the past decade, i've gotten to a stage where i know my strengths and values, and life just gets better with that self-knowledge and acceptance.
i love the life han yang and i built together. i was happy as a single, and even happier when we got married. it's fun to do things together with a companion, and i could imagine a very fulfilled life with just the 2 of us. i enjoy taking trips whenever we want to, having friends over on friday nights, chatting about our hopes and dreams and fears.. and planning dreams while only taking into consideration 1 other person.
2 years ago, i considered the possibility of not having kids. i believe that no one should ever take for granted that having kids are a natural progression of marriage. just like how we are conscious and goal-oriented going into big decisions in life, like our careers, marriage.. it was important to understand why i wanted/ did not want to expand our family. (i speak of it as a personal decision, because han yang, being the more adjusted one of the both of us, has always wanted kids. it wasn't the same for me.)
the reasons why i did not want kids were mostly functional benefits, with emotional benefits of having more freedom to live my own life. and witnessing unsavoury bits of parenting - having to discipline them when you are tired, doing everything you could as a parent but still producing a shitty brat, having to compromise on my dreams and goals in favour of stability/ providing for them, having to deal with society's judgements on mothers, possibly having to deal with widening gender disparity at the workplace as a working mother.. all in all - i didn't like not having as much control over the quality of our lives once we became parents.
one reason why i might want kids:
though growing up wasn't easy, i enjoy being with my family. our parents love us unconditionally even though they might not sometimes know how best to handle us. i love having siblings that understand the nuanced and complex relationships within our family. a part of me wants to be part of something bigger than just the 2 of us.
but i felt that reason was a little iffy and wasn't enough to warrant having kids. to add to the reasons why i didn't want kids, i had a fear that i would not be a good parent. compared to 10 years ago, i'm definitely in a better place to be a parent, but i guess the last thing that i want to be is that parent projecting my own expectations/ insecurities on my kids. i could not find a good enough motive to bring up a child; reasons like "continue on family name", "child can look after me when i'm old", "child is a good investment" (having kids are the worst investment what are you talking about lol), "having kids will make me/ my marriage more fulfilling", "having kids will let us have something to work on for our marriage" were all either extremely outdated, did not make sense, or were preludes to heartbreaks/ mismatched expectations/ disappointments.
one fine day, a thought suddenly crossed my mind -
so why did God create humans? since we are his children, looking at his motives might clue me in on why i should be a parent.
"God saw all that He had made, and it was very good." - Genesis 1:31
and on the 6th day, he created humans.
there it was - the simple answer to one of the most multi-faceted (and important) questions of my life. i don't know why, but suddenly, everything fell into place. that fear of being a bad parent just melted away, knowing that this was the only reason that made sense for me to have kids - that i would like to share our world with a little one/ little ones, because i have seen it for its possibilities.
actually this verse felt very close to me. when i was going through all those years of being aimless and depressed before i found God, the battles were not only just internal emotional, self-esteem/ worth ones that i fought, but it was also reading about the ugliness of people and of the world that brought me down. but i never descended to a point where i felt it was not worth living. there was always a part of me that saw that glimmer of hope - the flip side of beauty & love in this world. and after i knew God, was when that beauty & love was revealed in a greater measure to me, and it has healed and made me whole.
so yes, my boy, we will show you the world in all of its being. it's a world that has both the good and bad, with good that far outweighs the bad, just because we choose to look at it this way. and we will not shield you from it, but promise to be there for you always, and to make sense of it together.
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saying bye to my old friend, sleep.